


A New Kid in a (Very Much Not) Quiet Mountain Town

by Painful_Parody



Category: Fractured but Whole, South Park
Genre: Anxiety, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-typical Insanity, Cis Female New Kid, Don't Ask, Dysfunctional Family, Explicit Language, Gen, Misgendering, Powers are apparently real somehow, South Park is a crazy place, South Park: The Fractured But Whole, South Park: The Stick of Truth, Superheroes, Surprisingly optimistic, The New Kid - Freeform, The New Kid is a girl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-08-02 10:52:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 74,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16303784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Painful_Parody/pseuds/Painful_Parody
Summary: Mia's the New Kid in South Park, but is forced to pretend to be a boy by her paranoid parents. Within a few hours, she's already beat the tar out of some kids she doesn't even know.Things only get weirder from there, as Mia discovers that South Park is absolutely insane. She adapts well enough, beating up other kids for some kind of LARP, making friends and smacking down bullies. But worse than that, can she handle an increasingly toxic home environment and her own rapidly growing anxiety?Probably not, but she can at least make some friends to help her stay on her feet when it all inevitably goes to hell.





	1. A Fresh Start (And Punching People)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. This is a thing. A silly, self-indulgent thing. Might change the rating but... come on, it's South Park, you should know what to expect. That's really all I have to say. Enjoy.

The worst thing about the move wasn't the climate, amazingly. Rather, it was the fact that Mia had to go by "Michael" in public. She  _hated_ it, but her parents were endlessly dodgy about it. She had taken to not talking out of protest, and found that she actually kind of liked not talking. Her parents just… kind of shrugged it off, much to her frustration.

Eventually, her father kicked her out. To go out and make friends like "normal kids".

She sort of wanted to punch him in the jaw, but she couldn't reach and he was still probably capable of outpunching the aggressive little girl. She refused to mentally call herself a boy.  _Fuck. That._  She had her hair cut short enough to pass as a boy, and didn't wear that much "girly" stuff anyway. Sure, occasionally slipping into a dress or wearing a pink tee was nice, but those were to be kept in their closet until her parents decided that she could actually be herself for once.

"You shall die by my warhammer drow elf!"

Oh hey. Two kids LARPing. They looked about her age. And holy shit, they were really going at it- the kid playing the elf had a wooden sword but was whacking the crap out of the smaller blonde boy, and the blonde boy had a bona fide ball-peen hammer that could probably break some bones if it got swung hard enough.

At first, Mia just kind of watched, but then decided she would root for the underdog when the blonde kid got knocked over and the "drow elf" started kicking the crap out of him.

Mia, running mostly on aggression, walked up behind the "elf" and punched him. In the neck.

"Ow! No fair!" He yelled, bolting, rubbing his neck. She  _had_ held back a bit, not wanting to actually cause any serious harm to him. A full haymaker to the throat would probably render him involuntarily mute for a while. She'd just smacked the side of his neck.

"Thanks kid! I didn't realize he had a health potion."

Oh geez. This kid was really into it.

"My- My name is Butters the Merciful! I'm a paladin!" Well, he was friendly, even in-character. "I live right next to you! Maybe we can be friends!"

Mia, still on her vow of silence, offered him a smile and pulled out her phone.

**Silent out of protest against parents. Would like to be friends.**

She paused, then added a smiley face. Why the hell not?

* * *

Butters was pretty nice, but the "Grand Wizard" (who she eventually found out was named Eric but usually went by his last name, Cartman was… well kind of a dick, but he seemed fine with letting her play despite her status as "The new kid".

Although he ignored her attempt to communicate her name as "Michael" and just called her "Douchebag".

To be honest, she'd rather be called "douchebag" than that stupid "Michael" name that wasn't even her  _real fucking name_.

But seriously fuck Cartman.

"I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight…

Beat up Clyde."

" _What?!_ "

Okay, maybe this game could be fun.

"Go on new kid, kick Clyde's ass!"

"What'd I do?!"

" _I'm the king Clyde! And the King wishes to be amused!_ Go on new kid, kick his ass."

Cartman was a pushy jackass, but honestly, any game that involved beating someone up was aces with Mia.

* * *

Clyde was a pushover. Or he was going easy on her because she was a newbie. Either way she beat the  _fuck_  out of Clyde.

Then some other stuff happened. She learned the general plot of this "game" and the whole deal with the Stick of Truth. While it was simplistic, it was decent enough to keep the game going. And more importantly, these kids were, despite all being total dorks (not that Mia was claiming otherwise),  _really hardcore_ about this. Seriously, they were going for actual blood against each other. Maybe not a hospital trip but definitely a doctor's visit.

And she kicked the crap out of those "elves" that Cartman sent her up against.

Okay she was really enjoying this. Even if it was just a wooden sword, smacking it into some kid's face was just wonderfully satisfying.

And yet, somehow, despite beating some kids stupid, and getting a few bruises herself, the Kingdom of Kupa Keep (yes seriously) lost the Stick of Truth.

" _THAT WAS YOUR ONE FUCKING JOB, CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!_ "

Holy shit, Cartman could  _yell_.

* * *

Mia had no idea how the hell anyone here put up with Cartman, but as far as "dangerous missions" went, breaking into a school sounded kind of weirdly fun. After all, the best time to be in school is when there are no classes happening, right? And while they were a pain and actually could hit decently hard, the hall monitors went down pretty fast, especially with Butters and "Princess Kenny's" help. (He played the princess role really well. It was kind of endearing). Things were going pretty smoothly...

Until she got the key to the cafeteria and a shadow loomed over her shoulder.

"That's far enough intruder."

Mia scowled and turned and… okay. This kid was a lot bigger than her. And was he wearing actual honest-to-fucking-god body armor? Holy shit was this town hardcore.

"Where's your hall pass?"

She tilted her head awkwardly.

"No hall pass? Then it's time to write you a referral."

Aw, shit. Mia had been clobbered with a tetherball before, those things  _hurt_  and this kid- he was wielding it like you might use a morningstar.

She dove aside just as he swung, the ball slamming into the door where her face had just been.

Fuck. She could probably win but she was definitely going home with some bruises. Mia could hear Butters's little yelp.

"Oh, jesus!"

Yeah that was about right.

* * *

Well, Mia would have to figure out how to explain her new black eye. Her parents had made it pretty clear that getting into fights was a quick way to get her ass grounded. It then occurred to her she could just say she got hit in the eye with a ball. It wasn't a lie. Besides, she'd done this kind of LARPing shit before.

Only it was less hardcore and less stupid.

Seriously, these South Park kids kicked the shit out of each other. Was this just what Colorado was like or was it exclusive to this little town?

She'd already beat the shit out of a bunch of kids, a security guard, and a couple meth heads.

_And it was only like 2pm._

So what could some so-called "Bard" do that hadn't been done to her?

Apparently, not only spring an ambush that got the crap beat out of Cartman, but also get enough kids to follow him that Mia got a few more bruises.

Okay, Mia was pretty sure that the music wasn't  _that_ soothing, but somehow it was hard to keep her eyes open. She had no idea how the fuck he was doing that but she was gonna make him stop right now, probably by either smashing her heavy wooden sword into his head or cupping a fart right into his mouth.

She was pretty quickly jolted awake when suddenly the Jimmy (the Bard in question) raised his crossbow and fired a hefty rock at her. That was a rock right? It hurt like one. At least he didn't aim for the face.

And jesus, whatever that other thing he did- that low, deep note- it didn't seem to do whatever it was supposed to, but Mia's stomach was in violent turmoil from it. That did it. She'd been holding back because she didn't want to actually injure him, but Jimmy had  _earned_ a pummeling.

* * *

Mia was never going to speak of what happened in her first night in South Park ever again. No. Not ever. Never. She wasn't even going to  _think_ about that.

Just

No. No.

Nope, nope, nope.


	2. You Call This Town Quiet?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something something writing practice
> 
> Something something is behind on South Park and needs to watch more
> 
> Something something smartassery
> 
> Enjoy.

Mia was beginning to think that she missed living overseas. Her parents had dragged her across all four corners of the USA since she was born, and even taking a trip to Australia for a month or two. She'd never really been comfortable anywhere, but Australia, despite that apparently being a part of her heritage (a small part, but the biggest recognizable one at any rate), she hadn't enjoyed living there at all. Too many things that slithered and crawled, and too many people had picked on her for being "that weird american kid".

But this town was fucking  _psychotic._  Sure, the Stick of Truth game was honestly kind of a blast. Beating the hell out of kids for fun instead of "not losing her teeth"? Great. But last night she had crashed a goddamned UFO after-

No. No. She wasn't gonna think about that.

...Okay, she needed to address at least part of it.

...Her ass  _still_ was sore.

But the important part; she had crashed a UFO into South Park, and instead… woke up in bed, unhurt. But there was definitely proof it had happened, other than the smouldering wreck in the distance. For one, she still had that weird satellite probe. And that painful, but ultimately non lethal blaster-thingy. It was cool.

Oh, and Randy was on her facebook friend's list, but that was growing weirdly fast anyway.

Again.

She took a low sigh, as she scrolled through her phone, sitting on the couch. She was startled out of her thoughts by a sudden bang on the door. It sounded urgent. She sighed, peeking out through a window. She saw a familiar wizard's hat. Reluctantly, Mia straightened and opened the door.

" _Agh!_ " Cartman burst in, completely freaked out. "My  _God!_ " He was babbling, speaking fast. "They came outta nowhere! There was a huge earthquake and then there was burning in my backyard!"

Oops. Mia decided to play dumb, tilting her head, doing her best to look puzzled.

"Didn't you hear about it?! It's all over the news!" The overweight boy glanced about, before snagging the TV remote from the coffee table. "Here, look!"

"...here with a report, is a midget, in a bikini."

Mia blinked.

 _What._   _Jesus, that guy must be freezing!_

"...Government workers are assuring everyone nothing out of the ordinary has happened."

Bull. Shit.

"...they claim that the only reason huge tents have gone up to cover this area is to mask the construction of a huge Taco Bell which will open sometime later this month."

Mia sighed. Damn, that was pretty convincing. Very few people would doubt that story.

...Wait, yes they would.

...If she was anywhere but South Park. God dammit this town was getting to her.

She flipped up her phone, holding it up.  **At least they canceled school over this shit.**

For a moment, Cartman broke character and nodded, before snapping back to reality. Well, his reality anyway.

"It's horrible. You don't understand… The Elves! THEY TOOK THE STICK!"

**...Again? Already? Fucking seriously?**

"And it's bullshit because that's totally  _cheating!_ " Cartman exploded. "We  _specifically said_ "no trying to take the stick at night"! Elves are  _dirty little liars!_ And we have to lay waste to their  _entire base!_ "

 **Who do I have to beat up first?** Mia typed, maybe a little too eagerly.

"Not quite. You have some incredibly ability to make friends quickly, Sir Douchebag."

Mia held back a cringe at the "sir". She decided to mentally change it in her head to "Ser". It was mostly a meaningless mental change but at least it looked more gender-neutral on paper.

"I'm sending you on a quest to go out into the lands of Zaron, and recruit a whole other  _faction_  to Kupa Keep."

**Who?**

"Find the goth kids, and give them this letter."

**Fuck.**

"I know, they're fucking assholes. But they  _also_  are actually stupidly fucking good at beating people up but they never give enough of a shit to actually do that!" Cartman took a breath, composing himself. "Get them to join our kingdom and we shall lay waste to the drow elves once and for all!"

Cartman stormed out. "Fucking cheaters…"

Somehow Mia knew it wasn't going to be that simple.

* * *

Okay, Mia was a procrastinator. She did some favors for some people. And some… not-people. Basically she did some favors and scrounged for some stuff. Played with some genuinely good hide-and-seek playing kindergartners, but finally, she wound her way behind the school, where Butters had told her she could find the goths.

There they were. Four of them. Smoking.

Jesus  _Christ_  this town.

"...Who's that?"

"I think it's that new kid people are talking about."

"Beat it new kid, this area is strictly for Goth kids."

Mia cracked her knuckles, but remained silent as she dug out the scrap of paper Cartman had handed to her, rolling her eyes.

 **Here. Fat kid told me to give that.** She typed out. Man, she loved how she could write with the big text on this phone. Made keeping her mouth shut so much easier. While she'd rather just talk, she knew her voice was a bit too… well not good enough to pass for a boy's voice.

Each kid glanced at it, passing it about.

"...Sorry Frodo, we don't play Dungeons and Douchebags."

Ouch. That actually stung a bit. Still, she was proud of her dorky nature and was ready to pick a fight over that, but reluctantly reined in her inner rage.

"Yeah, beat it, new kid."

"Aw come on, let's do it, we never do  _anything_." The tiny one spoke up, before taking an impressive drag on his tiny cigarette.

Did… did he make that thing himself? It was way too small to have been from a regular pack.

"No way! We can't do what this kid asks us to do! He's a  _conformist!_ " The oldest one snapped. He said "conformist" the way a racist man might spit out a slur.

 **Fuck. You.**  She typed.

She swore she saw one of the other three bat an eye. Maybe not crack a grin, but there was a subtle exhalation of air through a nose, which was probably the closest thing to a laugh you could ever get out of them.

"...Tell ya what new kid. Get the right clothes and some cigarettes and coffee, and then talk to us."

"Yeah! If you want to prove you aren't a conformist then you need to look exactly like we do."

...Did these jagoffs even know what that word  _meant_? Whatever. Dress up like a goth. Mia was pretty sure she had plenty of black makeup and clothes from her… very brief phase.

She cringed at the memory.

* * *

First, Mia went to get the coffee. Mostly because that was the easiest and wouldn't get her phone taken away if her parents found out about it. Considering the cash she'd earned from beating people up (who deserved it (mostly)), she could easily afford it.

But that wasn't what was interesting. What was interesting was her getting jumped by elves.

"There he is! New Kid!"

"New Kid! The Elf King has requested your presence! You can either come quietly or you can fight! But a fight at this point is a complete waste of time, and you might as well come with us!"

Mia considered it. She glanced between her weapons, and the four kids surrounding her.

She shrugged. Why not? This could be interesting.

"You chose wisely, New Kid. Come with us."

Butters opened his mouth, but Mia just briefly flashed a grin and he awkwardly shuffled out of the way as the other kids pulled her arms behind her and led her off.

* * *

She had to admit. The backyard base for the Elf King did have some neat stuff. A platform up in a tree, for one, which was something that Mia had always kinda wished to have in her own yard.

Also, Kyle, the Elf King himself, had a pretty damn cool outfit.

"So, you're the New Kid everyone's talking about. What's your name?"

"He doesn't talk, Elf King! He thinks he's hot shit or something."

Mia shot a glare at him. Her hands were tied, so she couldn't use her phone, or punch out annoying assholes.

Kyle exchanged a glance with a kid standing next to his (again, pretty cool-looking) throne, both of them with puzzled, raised eyebrows. The kid hopped down, and approached Mia.

"You're playing for the wrong side, dude!" Kyle snapped suddenly. Mia blinked, head tilting from side to side.

"What did wizard fatass tell you?"

Mia bit her lip to resist a snicker at that. Kyle kept his expression stony, but she could see some hint of pleasure at the fact that insulting Cartman had got a laugh out of her.

"That we broke the rules and took the stick last night?"

She nodded, eyebrow raised.

"He's LYING!"

The kid with the blue cap spoke up.

"Cartman is the one you should be fighting against! He's hiding the stick, which is cheating! And now he's acting all sad and betrayed to get  _you_  to recruit more people to fight for him."

Aw fuck, that was totally something Cartman seemed like he might do. Was he actually an evil genius and Mia hadn't caught on?

"We tracked a Twitter raven who says you are currently trying to recruit the goths for the wizard. Go recruit them… But bring them to  _us!_ "

She chewed her lip, pondering the idea.

"I'm trusting you to do what's right. And kid, if you betray us…"

Mia looked Kyle in the eye.

"...we'll tell  _everyone_ … that you're a  _butthole._ "

She shrugged. She could live with that. At least her hands were free now. She pulled her phone out, fingers flying over the screen before she held it up.

 **Michael is my name, btw.**  God she loathed that.  **I don't think I'm hot shit, I'm not talking because it pisses my parents off and they deserve to be annoyed right now.**

Kyle and his Ranger, Stan, exchanged a baffled look.

"Yeah, I don't uh, really get it, but whatever dude." Kyle shrugged. "You do you."

She nodded. Kyle seemed to get it. Her fingers were getting really fast on that touchscreen.

**So is fatass actually way smarter than I thought? Cause he seemed like an idiot. Is he like an evil genius?**

"He's an asshole." Stan muttered.

"He's uh, really good at manipulating people and doing horrible shit to people." Kyle grimaced. "Trust me, if anyone here is cheating,  _he's the one."_

It seems she had a choice to make.

...To be honest, she sort of really wanted to punch Cartman, just because.

* * *

Mia groaned, nursing her jaw. She had elected to help Stan retrieve his phone from the "She-Ogre."

Holy shit, his big sister made Mia's haymakers look half as strong as they were just by comparison.

"You okay dude?" Stan glanced over at her. At least Shelly had taken something resembling pity on Mia and didn't aim for her eyes. The left one was still swollen from the Hall Monitor. She nodded. She'd kicked Shelly hard in the lady-bits in retaliation for that punch.

A lot of people don't realize, but regardless of what parts you have, being kicked in the particulars hurts like a  _motherfucker._

* * *

After digging around in her room, Mia found what she needed. High black boots, faux-leather, fishnet gloves, a black hoodie, a black cap, and black makeup. Fuck, she felt stupid for having that stuff. She retreated to the bathroom, sighing as she applied some of, but not all of the black makeup. Just her nails and some eyeshadow to give her that "Haven't slept" look.

Dressed up and in full goth gear, Mia reluctantly made her way down the steps. It's a good thing she just could wear regular black pants and still pass as goth, because if people saw her in a dress right now she probably wouldn't hear the end of it until she just yelled that she was a girl to the world. She glared at the two boys Stan had sent with her, who were waiting downstairs in the living room, daring them to say anything. Sadly, the message didn't get across.

"Oh my fucking god." Stan groaned.

"W-w-whoa. That's c-certainly a c-convinc… a convin… a really real goth getup."

**I hate everything about this. Let's get this shitshow overwith please.**

* * *

"You gotta admit he looks better." One goth kid mumbled.

"Yeah, he's  _almost_  a goth."

Mia thought she might get used to being called "he" but… no, it just kept getting worse.

"Being goth isn't just how you dress… It's a frame of mind."

Oh sweet jesus please save her from this lair of obnoxious, melodramatic fucks.

* * *

Well, at least their next request was simple. And she had to admit, the handwriting on the sign was decent. Just go up to the PTA meeting and take a picture of that sign. What could possibly go wrong?

Mia should have known better than to have ever asked that question in South Park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote like 6 chapters before posting them here so they're all goin up at once.
> 
> Leave a comment if you like.


	3. Violence is Always the Answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill right? Enjoy!

Mia got a little lost trying to find where the community center was. That was okay, though because in front of the Mayor's office, there were three older girls bullying another fourth grader like her.

Mia  _despised_ bullies. She didn't even wait for Stan to catch up with her, she rushed in and slammed hammer-first into the biggest of the bullies.

"Ow! Shit!"

The girl kicked hard, sending Mia stumbling, but she was back on her feet with a feral snarl. Before the girl could recover, she snapped her hand up, slamming a fist into her gut. Stan rushed forward, catching up, but he sort of awkwardly slowed. Mia was  _pissed._

"Holy shit!" He blinked as Mia whipped about, lashing out with hammer and fist, scattering the bigger girls, who fled.

"Ow! You like hitting girls? Jerk!"

Mia panted. She had a split lip from a pretty nasty punch she had taken, but other than that seemed to be fine. Just exhausted by the sudden spike of rage.

"Whoa…" The blonde girl picked up her toy- Mia didn't really pay attention to what it was, she just hated  _hated_  bullies with what she could only describe as "murderous passion".

* * *

After making sure the girl who had been getting pushed around was fine, Mia had attempted to get the picture for the goths.

Of course, this being South Park, it was  _hardly_ that simple. And now, somehow, Randy (who she learned was Stan's dad in the meantime), had roped her into investigating that "Taco Bell". Figures. With some trickery, and impressive control of her ass, she managed to sneak in, steal some mysteriously child-sized SWAT armor (which she would probably wear under her costume later) and now she should be able to-

"What the fuck."

Okay, Mia had broken her vow of silence, but the situation sort of called for it.

Nazi Zombies. They weren't particularly dangerous-seeming- despite their slow gait and awkward stumbling, they seemed to be killing the government agents and SWAT teams nearly effortlessly.

Which was really stupid because her and Stan managed to kill them before they even did that much to them; some judicious use of fire, and Stan violently decapitating several was all it really seemed to take.

"These weird green german guys really seem to be fucking up these Taco Bell guys."

Stan seemed to know that this wasn't a Taco Bell, but he kept calling it that and for some reason it was really getting on Mia's nerves.

"Whatever. Let's get that recording to my dad, Douchebag."

Man, everyone was calling her that. It was definitely better than "Michael" though so she owned it.

Besides, she had a slightly bigger problem. She didn't have a great grasp of scale but she was almost certain that her new house was more-or-less within a "three block radius" and even if it wasn't, it was close enough that underground charges would probably level it anyway. Maybe with her parents inside.

Sure, she butted heads with them sometimes, but she refused to let them get hurt because of some paranoid, incompetent government agents.

* * *

While they were clearly idiots, the adults at least seemed to be rightfully horrified at the whole "obliterate everything in a three-block radius" thing.

At least she got that stupid picture for those jackass goths, after watching some of Randy's rather theatrical reactions to discovering the whole "Taco Bell is gonna blow up a ton of South Park" thing.

"You may  _look_  Goth… but can you  _dance_  Goth?"

**I would rather put this cigarette out on my own skin.**

"...That's pretty Goth."

"Yeah he seems pretty Goth."

"Yeah."

"I feel his pain."

_Not how I expected that to work but I will fucking take it._

"All right New Kid, you have officially proven yourself."

"Yeah, just tell us where you need us and we'll be there."

Mia nodded, walking off. As soon as she was around the corner she violently snuffed the cigarette and threw the whole pack into a trash bin, hoping she hadn't actually got too much of that stuff inside her.

* * *

"New Kid, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I hereby make you a member of the Drow Elves of the Forest!"

That felt kinda good? Maybe just being recognized was nice, even if they were still calling her "Douchebag."

"My Lord! My Lord! We now know where the humans are hiding the stick!"

Ooh, things were about to get interesting.

"Wait, really?"

"We intercepted their message on twitter-

"A-ah! You shot down their message raven!"

Oh, yeah. LARP. She'd been so busy doing errands and kicking the ever-living fuck out of bullies that she'd almost forgot she was wearing fake armor.

Well, she had a SWAT vest under her outfit but she would keep quiet about that just in case someone decided it was cheating. But she doubted it, since she remembered some of the vicious ways these kids were attacking each other.

"Right, right, we shot down their Raven-" Stan cringed a little as he said this. Mia vaguely recalled he chose to play as a Ranger due to his love of animals. "And the evil Wizard King has hidden the Stick inside his desk at school."

Huh. Made sense. Where do you hide something from a bunch of kids? School, the place no kid wants to go.

"Ah dude, of course!  _I knew Cartman was cheating!"_  Kyle brandished his 9-iron in the air. "We shall march on the school, and make the hallways drip with their blood!"

The other Elves all pumped their weapons in the air. "Huzzah!"

Mia idly pumped one fist, a few seconds late, expression somewhat flat. She got a few annoyed looks, but it amused her.

* * *

Mia had to admit, the assault on the school felt like an actual  _war_  now. Even with wooden and cardboard weapons (although Stan's sword was definitely metal and Jimmy's "crossbow" shot actual  _rocks_ ) the fighting was genuinely vicious.

She was having a  _blast_.

Until they finally pushed into the basement.

"Stay back you guys!" Kyle's eyes were wide, frantic. "Something is  _seriously wrong_ with the hallway monitors!"

The ginger kid was on his back on the floor, reeling. "...help… please…"

"Dude, that's Gary Nelson."

"Careful, he can still bust us for not having hall passes!" Kyle's voice cracked a bit- he was clearly a little freaked out by how pale the monitor was- even paler than normal for a ginger.

"We came to school after the earthquake to report for duty-" The kid coughed hard. Mia cringed. Even if these monitors were jerks she felt a little bad for him. "We didn't know school had been canceled…"

"We heard a sound from down here. We found this green goo, it… changed the other hallway monitors."

Green… Goo? Uh oh.

"Well, it kind of serves you write for being a p-p-patsy ass hallway monitor in the first place." Jimmy said flippantly, looking around the basement.

"Something in the goo… it… it…"

Mia yanked Stan back as the kid convulsed, skin going from sickly pale to sickly green, whirling to face the kids, eyes full of loathing, spewing out violently angry german.

Kyle let out a yelp. "AAAH! That goo made them somehow even  _lamer!_ "

* * *

So, there were Nazi Zombie Gingers in the school basement.

_Were._

Still, this wasn't good. Even if the government guys blew up three blocks, it seems like the goo had begun to spread somehow. She was  _just_ starting to possibly be able to tolerate this batshit town and she'd probably have to move again.

That...

That sucked.

* * *

 

"Well, if it isn't Kyle's lapdog- the traitor Douchebag!"

For the first time playing this game, Mia felt kind of bad. Despite being sided with an abusive jerk like Cartman, Butters was genuinely nice. Her first friend in this town. But she couldn't show mercy because he sure as hell wasn't showing it on her. Jesus he could really fling that hammer.

Even with Stan and Jimmy's help, Mia found that Butters was putting up a decent fight.

 _Ah, geez, of course. He knows how I fight because he watched me beat up a_ lot  _of elves._

Still, Butters couldn't keep up. It was three against one, and eventually he hit the floor with a little sob of pain.

"...Man, I feel kind of bad about beating up Butters." Stan mumbled.

Mia nodded, lightly sitting up the dazed boy against the lockers. He'd be okay. Just very sore.

* * *

Cartman had tried to get her back on his side, but Mia answered with a nice left hook.

"Oh you son of a bitch! I knew you were a traitor Douchebag!" Cartman growled.

Mia idly raised a middle finger. Cartman pulled out an aerosol can and began shaking it.

_Oh jesus, he's serious._

Mia dove aside as the short stream of flaming air spray shot through the air where she had been standing, flipping desks over to act as cover. As soon as the flame died down, she leapt up, raising her hammer…

And then squarely kicking Cartman in the balls.

" _Eek!"_ He let out a squeal, crumpling for a moment, slowly pushing himself to his feet. "Not. Cool." Cartman groaned, before suddenly lashing out with his wizard stick. Mia blinked. That… barely hurt at all. No wonder Cartman went for being a wizard. He reached up to the top of his head, violently jabbing at something.

"Oh shit." Kyle muttered. Mia looked around and noticed everyone was hiding.

"Fuck! Shit! Motherfucker!" Cartman began spitting the words out. He looked… like it hurt for some reason. "Butt-fucker! Doucheback, dick!" Sparks began emitting from his hands.

"New Kid! Take cover!" Kyle screeched over Cartman uttering strings of profanity.

"Damn! Shit! Bitch! Dogshit taco! Fucking cock ass titties!  _FUCK!_ "

Mia dove behind the teacher desk, with what could only be described as a baffled panic, as bolts of lightning went everywhere. When the smoke cleared, Cartman swayed, looking like he was in serious pain.

"Fucking- Damn it Cartman!" Stan shouted. "I thought they took  _out_ that fucking V-chip!"

Cartman pinched the same spot again, grinning. "Fuck you guys, I'm not gettin rid of that!"

"You will be when I show the video to my mom!" Kyle retorted. Cartman's mouth dropped open.

" _DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE KYLE!"_ He shrieked.

Mia threw a basketball at his face, hard.

"Fuck you… Douchebag…" He growled, flicking his lighter. " _I'm the grand wizard king here!_ "

* * *

 

Mia kicked Cartman while he was down. Her farts, as it turned out, were worse than his.

"Weak…" he groaned, face-first on the floor.

Mia rubbed at her hair, which frizzed with static from his earlier cuss-storm.

Kyle kicked Cartman too.

"Asshole!" He snapped. "Whatever…" He cleared his throat, getting back into character. "Victory! Goth Kids! Take the stick from his desk!"

Mia leaned against the wall. It had been a very long day. Too long.

"...Hey wait, the desks at this school don't have insides."

"...w-what? But… twitter said…" Kyle stared in stunned awe.

"Hey, there's writing here. "Check my locker"."

"Who's desk is that?"

Cartman raised his head, groaning, his own expression confused and even a little concerned. "...That- That's Clyde's desk."

* * *

Holy shit, Clyde had totally played everyone and built what was honestly a  _kick-ass_  fortress in his backyard. That was kind of rad, and meant she wasn't done beating kids up. Sweet.

What wasn't sweet was the revelation that he was using the green goo to make nazi zombie animals.

What  _also_ sucked was that it was past bedtime and if she didn't get home soon her parents would be  _mad_.

Mia ran home, sprinting fast as she could.

* * *

Once again, Mia decided to put every piece of effort in her mind to erase the night from her memory. She did get a neat bag of Gnome dust she could use to change her size, but she didn't want to remember the night any more than she did the night with the aliens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mia's having a rough week.
> 
> If you could comment that would be great, kay thanks
> 
> Goodnight everybody


	4. Girl's are SCARY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, just uh, still posting all 6 pre-written things here. I totally forgot to post them here for some reason which is why they're all going up at once.

Mia was kind of glad she was sat in-between the Human and Elf factions because something told her that if she wasn't, they would have tried to kill each other. Well, someone would have. Kyle was right, however. Clyde has created an army. Lots of weirdos, for sure, and Mia also recognized at least a few people she'd punched in the face up in his tree fortress.

And now, worst of all, she was getting roped into recruiting another faction; the girls.

Nevermind that Mia  _was_  a girl. She was masquerading as a boy after all. Sure, she liked some more girly stuff on occasion (she had  _refused_ to get rid of her dresses and "cutesier" toys, leaving them in her closet. She figured she could just tell anyone who found out about it that she was gay or something. Not technically a lie).

As it was, she wasn't sure how to go about this. The girls had a secret base of some kind (no clue where), the boys had excluded them from their LARPs in the past (not the best footing to stand on for sure) and they were, according to Cartman anyway, "kind of scary". At first she figured that was just Cartman being Cartman, but Stan had visibly cringed when he said that and Kyle had shivered.

If  _Kyle_ was agreeing with something Cartman said, then the girls must  _really_  be scary.

Princess Kenny had just giggled. Even though Mia wouldn't be able to bring Kenny along, she figured that him playing as a girl character might help at least get a few girls to want to join up, but to stand any chance, Mia'd have to find the girls' base and convince them.

Stan had suggested she try to find Annie, the blonde girl that Mia had rescued the other day, since they were Facebook friends. It was worth a shot.

On an unrelated, but pleasant note, Butters didn't seem to hold any hard feelings against her for switching sides, and neither did Kenny.

So that was nice.

Still, time to hunt down Annie.

* * *

"I do owe you one… I can take you to the girls, but I don't think they'll be very willing to play with boys."

At least she was honest. Mia offered a little shrug, as if to say "good enough".

"...You um. You're kind of quiet, huh?"

Mia sighed, grabbing her phone.

**Long story. Kind of stupid.**

Annie just sort of awkwardly shifted. Mia was getting that  _look_  a lot.

"...Okay. Do you… want to talk to the girls now?"

Mia nodded.

And was promptly blindfolded. Yeah, okay.

* * *

The blindfold was removed, Mia was in a big, bright room. This was… huh, okay. This was somewhere between "not expected at all" and "kind of exactly what she'd expected."

"The four hundred and twelfth meeting of the girls is hereby called to order. Sparkle, Sparkle."

"Sunshine!"

Mia bit back a sigh. South Park was pretty tiny, but she didn't really see anyone who fit the whole "tomboy" thing she had going on for herself. She shook her head. No sense giving up hope. She still played with dolls and makeup sometimes, who's to say one of these girls had never beaten anyone up?

"Sunshine, Sparkle. Millie Larsen has the floor."

Mia rubbed her temples. This was weird, right? Like, not "alien probe" or "underpants gnome" weird, but… still really weird.

"If it pleases and sparkles, I move that we vote  _immediately_ on the urgent matter involving Monica Ryland."

A choruses of "yes's and yeah's!"

This felt like a cross between a cult and a very prim and proper political meeting.

"Excuse me, but I have an urgent matter that I believe needs to be addressed first."

Well, Annie seemed right at home here. Was this just like a clubhouse for all the fourth-grade girls?

"The chair acknowledges Annie." The girl in the tallest seat leaned forward a bit, curious. Mia was pretty sure she'd seen the girl with the beret around town once or twice but couldn't particularly place where.

"If it pleases and sparkles, a messenger comes with a request from the boys."

Groans and expressions of distaste filled the room. That wasn't a great sign. Mia wondered if she should just spill her identity before she got lynched.

Luckily, beret-girl seemed at least willing to hear everything out.

"...What request do the boys ask of us?"

Mia cringed, fumbling with her phone and the letter Kyle had handed her.

"...He… Doesn't really talk." Annie clarified. Good, that meant Mia wouldn't have to…

"...That's hot."

Mia flushed a bit. She was gonna punch Kyle for putting her through this. Not hard, since he seemed like he wasn't as bad as a lot of people in South Park. Just a light smack on the shoulder.

"The boys are playing some new role-playing game and the New Kid wants us to join his team."

Mia chewed the inside of her mouth. That was sort of an understatement but close enough. Nazi Zombies were becoming more widespread, it felt like. Not just humans, but the animals too; she'd already seen what Clyde had done to that dead cat…

" _What?!_ We don't have time for that! Something  _very_ big has happened and we  _must_ do something!"

Annie glanced apologetically at Mia.

"I know, I thought maybe he could  _help_."

_Gosh, golly, gee. What a goddamn shock. Me, being volunteered to help someone in exchange for another thing? I never could have seen that coming._

"Oh, that's not a bad idea… I glitter Annie's idea!"

* * *

The plan seemed a bit convoluted, but Mia was, at least in her current outfit, androgynous enough to pass as Bebe's "boyfriend". She sort of had a "pretty-boy" look, at least to anyone assuming that she was a boy.

Mia arrived at the park with a sigh. She might end up having to get in trouble with her parents at this rate. It had been three days and already this  _boy_  thing was driving her insane.

"Alright I'm just gonna stay out of the way and watch everything possibly go to hell for you, Douchebag."

She wasn't sure why Cartman had been waiting for her until now, but then it clicked. He fully expected this to go south and wanted to watch the fireworks.

...To be one-hundred percent honest, she'd probably do that too if their positions were reversed.

She glanced about and saw the girl that she'd been instructed to meet, remembering Wendy's words.

" _Just do your usual "not talking" stuff and you'll be okay!"_  She had said.

Mia approached, a bit awkwardly.

"Oh, hi… You must be Mike."

 _I think I hate that even more than Michael._ Mia realized, but reluctantly sat when the girl patted the bench, inviting Mia to talk.

"So, you wanna talk about Bebe, huh?"

Mia gave a meek nod, shifting and adjusting herself awkwardly.

"Well, look, Bebe's my friend. I think she's really great…"

Oh geez, was this gonna take hours? Maybe Cartman would get bored and sneak off before the ordeal was over…

But probably not until he'd finished that popcorn… Where was he hiding that?

"...I don't know if she's the end-all-be-all of girls, I mean- she can be a  _little_ two-faced if you ask me…" Monica awkwardly gestured, seeming weirdly flustered. "But hey, I read a lot of your facebook profile and I think you're a really interesting boy…"

Oh fucking hell.

" _AH-HAH! We knew it! You two-faced manipulative WHORE!"_

Mia nearly jumped out of the bench at how suddenly Bebe exploded into the scene. She could swear she saw Cartman cackling from the other side of the park.

"What the heck?!" Monica seemed more baffled than upset. Mia blinked. That didn't seem like someone who'd been caught chatting with someone else's "boyfriend", that just seemed like a really confused girl.

"Thank  _god_  we sent the New Kid to spy on you, huh girls?"

Mia groaned and burrowed her face into her mittened hands. This was going downhill for her too.

"YEAH! Now we KNOW you're a two-faced  _bitch!"_

"What are you guys talking about, you guys are my best friends!"

"Then why are you hitting on  _my_ Facebook boyfriend?!" Bebe exploded. Mia sunk into her coat, refusing to look away from her phone.

She could hear Cartman trying not to laugh as he shoveled down popcorn.

"We brought someone  _else_ who might be interested…"

"Monica? What the  _fuck_  are you doing?"

"Uh-oh... hey, Jake…"

Oh those stupid, stupid brats. He was gonna kill  _Mia_  not Monica.

"Have fun you two-faced skank!" The other girls bolted.

"Guys wait, please, come back!"

"...What's the big idea tryin' to fuck my girlfriend?"

Mia hopped off the bench, sighing and pinching her brow.

"Nothin' to say, huh?! Well maybe you'll understand  _this!_ "

Mia snapped an arm up, so that his fist collided with her elbow instead of her nose. She hadn't even meant to do that, just to avoid him breaking her nose.

"Ow! Son of a-"

Mia kicked him in the kneecap, knocking the boy on his ass. He was being a jerk, but he didn't  _quite_ deserve a case of roshambo just yet.

It didn't take much to beat up Monica's boyfriend, and she huffed, storming off. She glanced at Cartman who had fallen off his bench, laughing so hard he was choking. She delivered a quick slap to his back so that he coughed up the popcorn kernel that'd lodged itself in his throat.

"Fucking… gold…" he wheezed. "Worth it…"

* * *

Mia was again, secretly led to the hidden base of the girls. She was radiating a kind of slow-burning, but incredibly hot and harsh kind of rage. Her anger was only  _slightly_ abated by the fact that the girls had forgiven Monica when they realized she was innocent- apparently because some girl named Heidi Turner hadn't mentioned that Mia was Bebe's "boyfriend" on Facebook.

And really, Mia was just so  _done_  with everything. This was such a fucking debacle.

"...we need to know if Heidi Turner is the two-faced bitch who's spreading rumors about Allie being spotted at the abortion clinic… But in order to do that… We need people to think you're a girl."

Mia's eyes flicked up from the spot in the they'd been burning into the rug, anger beginning to fade.

" _Makeover!"_ One of the girls yelled.

Mia bit her tongue hard to hold in a smile.

* * *

Okay, maybe she had a  _little_  too much fun dressing up as a girl and  _maybe_  Mia wore those pumps a little too well to pass as a boy but the whole point here was to pass as a  _girl_. Makeup, a pretty dress, a wig, and a bit of strut.

" _Wow!_ " A girl called from the crowd. "He looks  _really_ convincing! Like, like an actual girl now!"

Mia rolled her eyes, cracking a rare smile at the girls.

It felt  _really_ good to get a chance to almost be like herself for at least for a few hours

* * *

After an… uncomfortable experience with the doctor (thank  _god_ he was utterly incompetent), Mia donned some mysteriously child-sized doctor's garb and snuck into the records room. She finally found the most recent records. Past week. There were… a lot of them actually. An uncomfortable number. Still, Mia snapped a photo at each one, her thumb working over the pictures of the records, rapidly e-mailing them to Wendy.

The moment she'd taken the last picture though, there was a sudden crash.

"Agh!" then softer. "...dammit."

"...Mr. Marsh…?" Mia muttered, so soft she was sure he didn't hear.

"...Oh! It's you! Thank god!"

He… recognized her? Even with all that makeup and the doctor's mask? Randy must've been more observant than she'd thought.

"Something strange is going on here! The PTA reviewed that tape you gave us. The Taco Bell has something called a "Plan B". They've been here looking through these records…"

That… what? Why would they want the gynecological files of the women of South Park?

"But… Why would they be interested in the gynecological files of the women of South Park?"

Sometimes Mia forgot that she wasn't thinking out loud.

"I'm afraid now you know too much."

"Oh shit."

"We have two more asking a lot of questions."

A muffled reply. The two men grimly drew weapons, flicking the safeties off. Mia had dodged gunfire the other day, but that had been zombie gunfire, with floppy decaying arms that couldn't hold guns too steady.

These were professional killers. Total idiots, sure, but killers nonetheless.

Luckily, it seems something else was here. Something bigger than an idiot and a child (Mia wasn't sure if she was an idiot or not anymore).

Suddenly, the place was crawling with government agents. Things were getting a  _lot_ more complicated.

The Nazi Zombie Virus. Of course. As if this fucking day couldn't get any more stupidly convoluted.

* * *

Mia was really glad she was decent at silent improv, because she had no idea how abortions worked and had been forced at gunpoint to fake one on Randy. She really wished she'd grabbed a mysterious child-sized nurse outfit instead of doctor's garb.

* * *

The whole place was falling apart, and Mia could hear german shouts from the walls. She was surrounded by government agents, but they seemed to be no longer interested in her.

"...Mathers? Where did you find the alien goo?"

"Broken vials were in the trash can, sir…"

"What could have come into contact with it in the trash can at an Abortion clinic?"

There was a pregnant pause.

"...Oh my god."

The room exploded into pandemonium; Mia was small and managed to duck and avoid the wild gunfire and flying Nazi Zombie Fetuses, groaning. This day was really sucking. And now, the snarling little creatures were facing her.

"I'm here for ya buddy!"

Butters. The boy had broken in through the roof, and crashed down, landing awkwardly on his back. Luckily, he crushed a fetus that had been about to attack, but it still looked painful.

"God dammit." Butters squeaked, before rolling to his feet. The battle was on.

* * *

Mia and Butters managed to escape. Despite all the horrors, the turret, the fetuses, the giant fetus… They escaped.

 **All this bullshit to get the girls on our side;**  Mia typed.  **I am so so tired.**

Butters patted her shoulder. "There, there lil' buddy."

* * *

"New Kid, the girls are  _very_ thankful for you texting us the abortion records."

Mia just kid of sighed. That black eye she'd got the other day had  _just_ started to heal and she hadn't noticed due to the whole "trying not to die" thing but she'd taken another hit already in the  _exact same place._  At least the girls had taken pity on her and made a makeshift ice pack of snow and a towel had her press it to her own face.

"We are one step away from finding out which girl among us is a two-faced bitch."

Mia was getting tired of that term.

"...Unfortunately, the records keeper at the abortion clinic is from Paris, and so everything is written in french."

Oh for god's sake, really?

* * *

Mia had no idea if anyone in South Park spoke french, and to be honest, the records keeper was probably dead after all that havoc in the clinic, so Mia was left with little option but to return to Kyle's base and ask for ideas.

Eventually, it was Cartman of all people who pointed her in the right direction. Two fake passports that only needed photos. This time, Kyle elected to go with her; first to show Mia the way to the Photo-Dojo, and after beating a pedophile nearly to death (she was seriously impressed when Kyle hit a golf ball right into his groin and then his eye at full force), they were on their way north.

It didn't take very long to get to the border, which baffled Mia, but she'd given up on questioning things for now.

* * *

The adventure in Canada was…

Well it was mostly just  _really stupid_. Still, she finally got what she'd needed. And further cemented Kyle as an ally by sparing the Bishop of Banff. And beat up a bunch of Dire Wolves and Dire Bears and other Dire animals.

You know what Dire animals are right? They're like animals, but they're Dire.

Still, meeting Terrance and Phillip from the TV show was sort of neat. And they taught her a new technique. She didn't really like having horrible gas, but she had to admit, making it useful was kind of nice in a weird backwards kind of way.

* * *

"...And right there it says Nancy Turner, 3:30 PM!"

"That's Heidi's mom! So Heidi Turner  _was_ the two-faced bitch."

"The evidence is irrefutable. Thanks new kid. We now know it was Heidi Turner all along who was spreading the rumors."

"Freakin  _whore!_ "

"Two-faced buttrag!"

"Fuck Heidi Turner in her two-faced ass!"

Jesus  _Christ_  these girls were scary.

"But Heidi is really sorry so we're deciding to forgive her."

Wh-

_What._

Mia took a deep breath and  _siiiiiighed_. Luckily, the girls seemed satisfied with the outcome.

And, now she was an "honorary" girl. Mia wondered how the girls would react to her telling them the truth, but she bit it back.

She wished she had the guts to give the proper "fuck-you" to her parents and just fess up on the spot, but she didn't. She couldn't tell anyone, not yet. Still, the girls were on board with the game now, at least. Now all she had to do was get back to Kyle's backyard fortress and tell him the good news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mia's terrified of girls and she IS one. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!


	5. Storming the Castle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a boring chapter title. I apologise. 
> 
> Had to go back and edit after the previous edits didn't take. :c
> 
> Also heads up, this is a long one

Mia stood near the forefront of the crowd. There were… a  _lot_  of kids that the others had managed to wrangle together while Mia was off making friends with girls. She'd also taken the opportunity to add a bit of pink flair to her outfit, but fortunately no one really questioned it. The nice thing about LARP is that even when it's gone too far you can be nearly anyone you want.

But then, Mia supposed that's what led to Clyde becoming an evil dark overlord.

That and lots of Nazi Zombie Goo.

"Today, we are not elves and humans!" Kyle had a voice that, despite being kind of shrill, carried well. "Today… we fight as one!"

Oh, right, fantasy LARP meant dramatic speech before the final battle.

"What we do now… will be written and sung about on YouTube for days to come!" Cartman butted in. Had they… scripted this? They seemed to be working in tandem surprisingly well.

The kids cheered. A short, upbeat shout.

"Let us besiege the army of darkness with the courage of dragons! Let us delve their dungeon with swords and sorcery!"

"Let us charge our shields and use photon torpedoes to vaporize the Klingons!"

The cheering stopped. Cartman stared for a moment at the boy, before sighing.

"Kevin… God Dammit. Every fucking time, Kevin… God  _fucking_ dammit, seriously."

The boy meekly looked at his feet.

"...I'm sorry."

Cartman shook his head, seeming to decide it wasn't worth it, raising his staff. " _Armies of Justice! Prepare!"_

Mia raised her blade, grinning toothily.

"Ready?!"

The crowd tensed.

"Then… LET'S BEAT UP CLYDE!"

With a roar, the kids charged forward.

It was slowed to a steady trot for a moment, because they had to funnel through the door to get through Clyde's house to his backyard.

"'Scuse us Mr. Donovan." Someone called as they passed Clyde's dad, who looked very confused and a bit worried, but stood aside to let the small army through his house. Once they were in the backyard, any semblance of order fell to chaos.

* * *

There was something resembling a plan at least; Stan led the pirates (a swarm of surprisingly vicious little kindergartners) up the sides of the tower, While Mia led the charge through the center.

There were a  _lot_ of kids on Clyde's side. Again, Mia recognized at least a few kids she'd beat up before. Bristling with energy, Mia let out an uncharacteristically loud cackle and bulled through the crowd, all her new friends at her side.

* * *

Mia kicked one of the Nazi zombie kids to the floor below, gritting her teeth. Clyde was  _really_ stupid to be messing with this stuff. She idly wondered who these people were, and she really hoped that they were assholes before all this happened to them.

Mia's scowl softened a bit as Ike began beating on the unconscious kid who had punched him in the face. Seriously, who the hell just up and punches a tiny little kid like that? Still, she had made sure to blast him extra-painfully with Ike's fireworks. Soon, the tower on the right side collapsed- although she was mildly surprised to see the bully girls who had attacked Annie in the opposite one.

She smiled as she cracked her knuckles. Hey, more time to beat the hell out of some bullies, right?

* * *

Advancing into the central tower, Mia gave an exasperated sigh as the gate fell shut behind them.

"Ah-ha! You're trapped! I am a level 14 thief and the Dark Lord's chief assassin!"

Craig. That kid that Mia had helped break out of detention. She remembered he was a pretty good lockpick earlier, but hadn't really seen him fight before.

"And you will perish here and now!"

Were those… Nazi Zombie Cows? How the hell had Clyde managed to get those fucking things up here? Whatever. This needed dealing with  _fast_.

* * *

 

A bit of trickery and with some assistance from Stan and Ike, Mia had at least managed to tip the odds into her favor a bit.

Craig seemed nonplussed by the fact that two of the cows had been dropped to their deaths.

"Now let's see how you fare against the Dark Lord's chief assassin… And… a cow!"

He leapt from the upper floor, landing nimbly

Thinking quick, Mia dodged to the side, hurling a burning hunk of wood. Craig sidestepped it. The Nazi Cow was less lucky and was spewing out german, wildly trying to put itself out. Stan leapt from the upper floor, stabbing it. That was one problem dealt with. Now for a much more dangerous one...

Craig's expression didn't change, he just silently flipped Mia off, before attempting to sucker-punch her.

Well,"attempt", meaning he landed a punch right in her jaw and then jabbed her with his wooden blade.

She retaliated by throwing a wild haymaker punch. Craig hopped away nimbly, though she could tell by the brief widening of his eyes that he had felt the air rush past his nose.

"Why fight one Craig when you could fight five?"

What.

There was a burst of smoke, and suddenly she was surrounded by five kids, all dressed the same, all almost identical to Craig.

Except for the black kid, he stuck out pretty obviously.

Stan suddenly rushed in from the side, slamming into one of the "Craigs" who vanished with a yelp. Mia lashed out quickly, spinning and whirling her heavy hammer, forcing the clones to back off quickly or suffer some nasty bruises… Which of course was when the door behind them finally was broken through. Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Butters and Jimmy had been trying to break in the whole time.

Mia smirked as one by one the Craig clones were swatted away, and she casually planted a foot on Craig's chest.

"H-hey, wait a sec-"

She kicked hard as she could, sending the kid flying back until he smacked hard into the wall.

He looked up with a groan, and Mia silently flipped him off.

"...Fuck." He muttered, head lolling.

* * *

"I found out what they were doing at the women's clinic!" Randy sounded frantic. Also, was the abortion clinic just an all-purpose women's doctor? It wasn't out of the question in South Park.

"They were looking for a candidate to put a  _snuke_ into! They're going to nuke  _all of South Park!_ "

Oh. Shit. That raised the stakes a bit.

"A snuke?!" Kyle's eyes went a little wide.

"You don't understand, they put the snuke  _here!_ " Randy gestured at the ground. In… Clyde's yard? How and/or why?

"Who did?!"

"Whoever these people are  _claiming_ to be Taco Bell!"

Oh wow, Randy had caught on finally? Well, he was rambling about the quality of Taco Bell's food and character now, so maybe not through the same logical way most people that had figured it out, but he'd at least realized.

"Dad, where is the woman with the Snuke?"

"...They didn't put it in a woman…"

* * *

"All I remember was there were these big government guys, and they wrestled me to the floor at my house! And I remember thinking "well this is fun, but wait! Is that a thermonuclear device?" Mr. Slave glanced awkwardly at the floor. "I had a few drinks, so putting a thermonuclear device up my ass wasn't  _completely_ out of the question…" The man's eyes widened. "Oh jesus christ… how long do I have?"

Mia wasn't sure why she felt so calm. Probably because if all the panic in her system got released now she would throw herself out a window.

"We don't know, Mr. Slave… It could be a matter of minutes!"

Mia groaned and rubbed her brow as the others began arguing and pondering.

"Oh come on," Cartman snapped at Kyle. "Who do we know who can do abortions  _and_ get really really small?!"

Mia looked at the bag of gnome dust on her belt. There wasn't very much dust left. Maybe enough for one more shrink-and-grow.

"Hmmm… Who? Who could  _possibly_ make themselves tiny  _and_ know something about abortions?"

Maybe she would let the snuke explode and kill her instead of… Well…

"Who could it be?!"

"There's got to be someone."

Mia sighed, opening the gnome-dust bag.

Everyone looked right at her. She looked at the floor, uttering a single word.

"...Fuck."

* * *

Mia was getting really good at blanking things out of her mind. She could have told you what happened inside of Mr. Slave- the facts of it anyway- and how she really  _really_ needed to spend a few days in the shower furiously scrubbing to make the gross feeling go away- but the important thing was, she had disarmed the snuke.

She felt about ready to puke right now though.

"Great job, New Kid!" The Catatafish… ghost? She'd assume it was a ghost.

"But your journey is not yet complete." The Sparrow Prince added.

"Yes. But should we ever need your services again, we will call." The Frog King added, and suddenly, from nowhere, drew a crown and placed it on her head.

"...don't." she muttered, huffing the last of the gnome dust, springing to normal size, walking to the window and puking.

Everyone cringed, but she was grateful they didn't say anything else about that.

"Great job. You disarmed the snuke! South Park is saved!" Randy sounded impressed.

"Yes. Now, let's finish this New Kid. Let's beat Clyde once and for all and take back the Stick of Truth!"

"...gonna kick him in th' balls." Mia muttered. Well, she'd broken her silence twice. Might as well do it more on occasion. Her voice was rough from not speaking for a while, and could pass as a boy's.

"Hey, the New Kid's actually talking!" Butters crowed. "I knew he could do it!"

Mia rolled her eyes but gave a small smile.

* * *

Clyde stood next to a (pretty kick-ass) makeshift throne, hand resting on a barrel that glowed faintly.

"Fools…! You thought you could conquer the fortress of darkness!" Clyde sneered at them.

"Clyde! Get away from that stuff!"

"Oh, but I have yet to complete my army! You have yet to witness the powers of darkness…!"

Mia's eyes widened in disbelief. Clyde had gone  _nuts_.

"Stop, Clyde!" Kyle pleaded. "You have no idea what that stuff is!"

"Yeah-huh it's green sauce from Taco Bell, I took it from their construction site.

Mia groaned, burrowing her face into her mittens.

"Dude, that's  _not_ Taco Bell sauce." Stan sounded just as annoyed as Mia felt.

"Then why'd I find it at the Taco Bell?"

" _IT LEAKED OUT OF A UFO CLYDE!"_ Cartman suddenly exploded. " _IT'S TOXIC GOO FROM ANOTHER GALAXY!_  Think about it, since when did Taco Bell have a green sauce dude!?"

"...Actually since about a year ago." Kyle mumbled sheepishly.

"What?"

"Taco Bell has a green sauce now."

"No way!"

Mia couldn't help but smile. There was something nice about them just… talking about this. Even Clyde seemed distracted from his insanity by the back-and-forth.

"They've had it for more than a year, I've always gotten spicy green burritos."

Mia couldn't really comment on this; she couldn't handle spicy food. Her already painful gas for the past few weeks just would be made worse by that.

"Yeah, no, I'm saying in the packets. They just started putting it in the packets."

"The  _fuck_ , how'd I miss this?" Cartman sounded legitimately upset. Not even in his whiny or furious rage, just a mild kind of irritation.

"Ha-ha!" Clyde grinned confidently. "I don't sound so foolish now, do I!?"

"That doesn't mean  _you_  have Taco Bell sauce, dipfuck!" Kyle snapped, clearly regretting having even brought it up.

 _Dipfuck. I like that one. I'll have to use it sometime._  Mia noted silently.

"Yeah, Clyde, why do you think that shit's  _glowing?!_ "

"...maybe because of the… three varieties of chili peppers." Clyde mumbled evasively, clearly not having an actual answer.

"...Just give us the stick, asshole."

Mia stepped up, punching a fist into her palm meaningfully.

"Or what, you'll beat me up?! Hahahah… I've got another surprise for you!" Clyde grinned. Then he turned the handle.

Mia's eyes followed the tube as the glowing Nazi Zombie goo flowed from it, pumping rapidly along, eyes raising as it entered a coffin. The lid cracked and a hole was torn in it, and a very large man hoisted himself out.

" _I'm gonna make love to you womaaaaaan~"_ He sang.

" _AHHHHHH!_ " There was a collective, horrified scream from the kids. Mia looked around. What made them so frantic? " _Chef!"_

 _Chef?_ She glanced over the kids, and realized that they were staring at him with very mixed emotions.  _Was he… a friend?_

Chef rose, slamming into the floor loudly, raising a single arm.

" _Sieg Heil!"_

Even though the man didn't look  _too_ special other than just being big, Mia had a dreading feeling that this was gonna  _suck._

"Kill." Clyde said, sitting back in his throne.

Mia leapt back, startled at how fast the lumbering Nazi zombie rushed her, yelping.

The zombie chef lashed out, whirling a spatula that collided with her face, sending Mia sprawling. She rolled to her feet, groaning. At least she didn't get hit in the black eye  _again_.

"Come on Douchebag. We've gotta do this." Kyle said, helping her up, 9-iron at the ready. The kids spread out, all ready to avoid whatever the zombie threw at them. They all rushed in, striking at him, but each blow seemed to have little effect on the huge zombie. He suddenly snagged Mia, lifting her up, attempting to sink his teeth into her.

She went ballistic, punching his face, kicking at him to get him away, flailing wildly. Just as it seemed he was about to tear her neck apart, he stumbled, dropping her. Everyone had grabbed and yanked him backwards, tearing his grip from Mia, who growled and smashed her hammer into his legs, causing him to tumble. The kids leapt away as he slowly rose up.

His expression was… different. He didn't seem hostile and crazed. He just seemed… confused and frightened.

"...I'm sorry boys." Said the man, but his voice was muffled and stilted. Then he lunged again, but he seemed less in control- or perhaps that wasn't right. It was more like two parts of him were fighting for control. Mia managed to more safely knock him back, shoving hard with her hammer.

"Hey, I raised you from the dead, you have to obey me!" Clyde called, annoyed, lifting a super soaker and spraying Chef with more of the goo, cackling. Chef convulsed, and was back to the slavering, raging beast again.

_Reminder to self- Punch Clyde a lot._

More of the same continued, until Mia delivered a  _vicious_ left hook to his head. Chef stumbled, eyes refocusing again. They traced over the kids, pausing only briefly over Mia, Butters, and Jimmy, before landing on Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny.

"...Children! Everybody!" His voice was no longer muffled. It was clear, and it was genuine. There was… a jovial, friendly tone to him, and he seemed happy, excited. Mia smiled a little.

" _Enough of this!"_  Clyde screeched, suddenly, lighting up a rag in a bottle.

Oh jeezus.

" _Ha-hah!"_  Clyde laughed as he hurled it at Chef. Mia shuddered. " _Burn them! BURN THEM ALL!"_

Holy  _shit._  Clyde had gone  _batfuck crazy_.

Chef rampaged about, on fire, in an absolute panic.

 _Sorry guys…_ Mia thought, closing her eyes and turning her back towards the burning zombie.  _Looks like I have to kill your zombie friend._

* * *

 

"Your eons of torment are at an end, ruler of darkness."

Cartman was  _pissed_  sure, but the way he glared at Clyde was a sort of calm rage- like he was so angry he couldn't even yell properly. His voice was low and dangerous. It was so angry it seemed to snap Clyde out of his insanity.

"Uhm, okay uhm, you know what- I'm not playing anymore…" Clyde backed away a little.

"You have broken the rules of the stick and for that I banish thee…" Cartman stepped forward, and Clyde backed further, the stick falling from nerveless hands. "I banish thee from  _space and TIME!"_  And with that, Cartman lunged with speed that belied his girth, and delivered a powerful kick to Clyde's face.

Clyde staggered, and crashed through the railing on his evil overlord balcony, tumbling with a little cry, catching himself a floor lower. He struggled to hold, struggled to pull himself up, but his makeshift armor was much too heavy, and his grip slipping.

Clyde screamed as he fell, three more stories down, crashing into the dirt below with a pathetic little yelp.

Mia had to admit, Cartman was a dick but that was pretty goddamn cool.

"We did it dude!" Stan crowed in delight. Cartman straightened, clearly pleased with himself, the Stick of Truth momentarily forgotten as he turned to face his friends, turning to Mia specifically.

"That was  _awesome._  You did it! Your noble quest is at an end! And for all your deeds and for all the time you put into this…" Cartman tapped her shoulders. "I hereby proclaim you…  _King Douchebag!_ Congratulations."

The kids clapped and Mia sheepishly rubbed the back of her head, grinning weakly. "King" bugged her, but she supposed recognition and adoration were a decent enough trade for that.

There was a little pause.

"Quickly. Now let's get the stick back to safety, before anyone else can-"

Helicopters. Low and loud and a lot of them. They came seemingly from nowhere.

"...Fucking  _really?_ " Mia muttered, looking around, going from disbelief to annoyance to mild fear as suddenly, ropes descended, and soldiers dropped, filling the room, blocking any and all exits.

"We've got him! We've got the Dragonborn!"

"What." Mia muttered, baffled.

"Th- Dragonborn? What the- who, what?" Cartman looked more confused than he did scared.

"So it really  _is_ the Dragonborn..."

Oh great, General Eyepatch McBadguy was there too.

"Just can't stop being a thorn in our side, huh?" The general knelt, picking up the Stick with mild disinterest.

"What the fuck?" Mia uttered again.

"...He has the stick of truth." Cartman nervously backed up a bit, pushing the others back a little too.

"How does this guy know you, King Douchebag?" Kyle asked. Mia shrugged.

" _King Douchebag?_  Is  _that_ what you told them your name was?" The government agent raised a brow. Mia irritably pointed at Cartman.

"He gave me the name."

"Why didn't you tell them your real name…"

Mia cringed, waiting for the reveal…

"Dovahkiin."

"What?" Mia looked up at him.

"You…" The general stared at her, a surprised look crawling across his face. "...don't remember, do you…? How we tried to find you?"

"Look, that Stick belongs with the Fighters of Zaron, give it back." Stan snapped, interrupting him.

"Fighters of Zaron?" The general sneered. "Boys, what's going on here is  _much_ more complex than that. This isn't the first time a UFO has crashed into earth. See, in 1947 a UFO crashed in Roswell, New Mexico."

"Oh god…" Cartman groaned.

"Oh, brother, spare us…" Stan sounded just as annoyed.

"Hang on!" The General growled, annoyed. Mia could see the other soldiers looking similarly annoyed. This wasn't the first time. She mostly tuned out the backstory, sending a group text to her friends.

**But seriously my name isn't fucking "Dovahkiin". That's dumb.**

Finally, the general got to the point.

"...until four years ago, when we investigated a child."

"...Me?" Mia raised a brow.

"A child who had an unnatural power inside them! I had orders from the president to secure the child, so that we could harness their powers before our enemies could. But he slipped through our hands…"

Wow even the government thought she was a boy? How stupid were these guys?

"The government wants the new kid… for his  _farts?_ "

"That's  _dumb._ " Stan said bluntly.

" _Really_ dumb." Mia added, expression that of someone who was  _done_ with this.

"His farts? No! His amazing ability to make friends so quickly on any social media network. Before he was five years old, he had 3.2  _billion_ friends on Facebook alone!"

The kids stared at her and she cringed.

"Do you have any idea the kind of power that yields in today's world?!"

"Not really." Mia muttered, irritably. The general paused, having ost his steam, visibly annoyed by being cut off again.

"It's time to come with us Dovahkiin. Time to stop resisting and use your gift for your country."

Mia ignored him, fiddling with her phone.

"What are you doing?" He snapped.

"Recording all of this." She deadpanned. "I still have access to the account with the most followers." She raised a hand. "I press one button and billions of people become aware of this and form a multibillion person lynch mob."

The general's mouth dropped open. Guns clattered to the floor  _instantly._

"I even have an app so I can put it on several social media sites at once." Mia murmured, voice rough and raspy. "Imagine the fallout."

"Now-" He coughed, clearly changing tactics, trying to convice her. "Now now, Dragonborn-"

"That is  _not_ my name dipfuck."

 _Yes._  She already got to use that word.

"Are we really so different you and I?"

"UGGGH." Cartman groaned. The government guy ignored him, turning to stare down Mia.

"You have to do what the government tells you, just like me. We're both just pawns in their game. I'll admit you are fascinating."

He pointed the Stick of Truth at her, and Mia was acutely aware of the other kids all trying to hide behind her.

"You have more power than any child I've ever come across, and yet all you really seem to care about… is this."

"Don't need ambition." She mumbled, but nobody seemed to hear her.

"It must be  _very_ important. What does it do?"

"...Whoever controls the stick controls the universe, dumbass." Cartman rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, stupid." Stan added.

The General's eye went wide. "Controls the…" He stared at the little branch in his grasp. "But then… I wouldn't have to do… what I was told anymore… I could… Hah… ha ha… hahahahaha!"

"Oh nice going guys." Kyle groaned.

"I CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! GET BACK! BACK I SAY!ALL OF YOU!" Suddenly he whirled, brandishing the stick. The soldiers jumped, backing away with wide eyes. "I CAN DO ANYTHING! Anything I want! I no longer  _need_ you, "New Kid". I CONTROL THE UNIVERSE!"

"Y- You never  _did_ need me you stupid fuckass!" Mia screeched, but her voice was cut off by utter confusion as the General ripped his clothes off, cackling as he fled.

Mia glanced about at all the soldiers.

"...So uh…" One said awkwardly.

"Guess we go home now?"

"Nothin personal kid, just doing our jobs."

"We'll just uh… Pretend that never happened I guess. You uh. Please don't post that video. Please."

They sort of awkwardly scattered, many climbing ropes back to the choppers, although the choppers remained, lights shining on where the General had run off to.

"...Come on." Cartman groaned. "Let's get the fucking stick back."

* * *

After a final, climactic battle with Magical Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny, and after saving the world and finally being rid of the government, Mia found herself with Stan, Kyle and Cartman at Stark's Pond. The ice had begun to melt. Spring was beginning to approach. It was still chilly out, but much less cold than it had been the first day that Mia had arrived at South Park.

Funny how all she had to do to save the world was to fart on a princess's balls. It had been an eventful few days.

"You guys sure about this?"

"There's no other way."

"It drove our friends to madness and nearly killed us all." Stan looked down.

Mia quietly crossed her arms, eyes low, nodding once. She'd gone back to not-talking, her throat sore. She'd talk to a few people, Butters and some of the girls mostly, but mostly she'd gone back to being quiet.

Cartman leaned back, and gave the stick a hard throw, flinging it into Stark's pond. It floated at first, as wood normally does, but it was a fairly heavy little branch, and not quite buoyant enough to stay afloat.

It sank to the depths of the pond. Mia tipped her head from side to side.

"So… what do you guys wanna play now?!" Cartman asked, excited again. It was a bit jarring to be reminded that it was all a game. Well, except for the zombies and the government and the feral animals and… okay, a lot of it sucked.

But Mia had to admit, it was kind of fun. She smiled as she listened to the boys throwing suggestions of various games to try.

She was jolted out of her reverie by Cartman, surprisingly.

"Let's ask Douchebag! What do you wanna play next, dude?!"

Mia opened her mouth for a moment, then closed it. She picked her phone from her pocket.

**I have had possibly the worst three nights of my life with the best three days. I am fucking exhausted and probably going to sleep until monday.**

"Oh. Yeah." Kyle sighed. They seemed… disappointed. Having real friends and not just Facebook friends felt… nice.

She grinned.  **Another time, but for right now…**

Mia did her best impression of Eric. "...Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Stan and Kyle bit back laughter. Cartman, not realizing the joke, seemed mildly put off. But they waved her off and she made her way home.

* * *

"There you are!" Her father sounded a bit mad, but mostly relieved, and he scooped her into a bone-crushing hug. "We've been worried sick about you!"

"What on earth happened last night sweetie?" Her mother looked at her eyes wide. She wriggled free of her dad's grip, sitting on the couch and patting either side. While she would… omit a lot of it, she supposed she could at least tell them some things. She grabbed a notepad.

**Throat hurts from not-talking and then starting to talk again. Sorry.**

Then she began to write an abridged version of  _some_ of the night's events. Not wanting to worry her parents, she omitted most of the government stuff, but she told of the strange green ooze and the effects it had, their little LARP game, how Clyde had found a barrel of it and gone totally insane, and how somehow, everything ended safely.

Somehow, they believed her. They'd seen the Nazi Zombies roaming the streets and attacking people, and the flash of light that mysteriously saved them all. Still, she was in trouble for coming home late. They made her eat, before sending her right up to her room. It wasn't really a punishment because right now Mia just wanted to sleep. She drew her curtains, tossed off her LARP gear in exchange for pajamas, and clambered sleepily into her bed. If anything woke her up that wasn't her parents, she was probably gonna kill it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the SoT chapters. There's one more to go before I have to go back to writing them instead of posting them in batches like this.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed
> 
> Leave a comment if you did or if you didn't
> 
> Goodnight everybody


	6. Quiet, Everyday Madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok after this my chapters will be more uh... sporadic
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy this little between-game thing

South Park slowly began to calm down for a little while. Mia was pretty sure it wouldn't really last, but it was definitely less insane than it had been. Sure, sometimes her and the boys would play their games- Stick of Truth was the most common one, but they'd play other things depending on the day. Despite the beginning of Spring it was still  _fucking_  cold out, but Mia found that she actually was getting used to it. Things came and things went, but Mia remained the New Kid.

She didn't really have a lot of friends, but those that she did have she got along with well enough. Cartman she avoided mostly, but Stan, Kyle and Butters were pretty solid friends. She also was still considered "An honorary girl" so she occasionally had time to be a bit more feminine without risking exposing herself and getting her parents upset. But she was really starting to get sick of this.

At least they'd let her grow her hair out again. For some reason her memory of exactly how they came to South Park was still a bit spotty, but she could remember  _why_  now thanks to the General. She still had the blackmail she needed, but something told her that she wouldn't really need it.

Mia stood on a little stool to reach the sink, brushing her teeth. She had to admit, she was starting to look less like a feminine boy and more like a boyish girl. While that might not be the most "PC" way of thinking (South Park had recently become somewhat focused on being politically correct, and like everything, took it a few steps further than was necessary), it was still the most accurate way to describe her.

She'd fought tooth and nail with her parents; they said that they wanted her to seem like a "normal" boy. At which point she had  _exploded,_ almost breaking her vow of silence with them to yell, but had managed to ground herself. She pointed out via writing there were  _lots_ of feminine boys in the world, and that she would probably be more masculine than  _they_  were.

They relented, especially when other people in town started being at least somewhat more tolerant of people who didn't fit in with gender norms.

And so, she grew her dark hair out, keeping it in a tight ponytail most of the time. She sighed. It was something anyway. She liked having her hair long, sure, but she would probably clarify that she was a girl before too long; even going so far as to warn her parents as such- there was no way she could do this for much longer.

They had barely protested, reluctantly warning her that it was important that she keep pretending, but otherwise didn't say a lot. She was in fourth grade, how long could they really expect to keep the little firebrand on a leash?

She left the bathroom and slipped across the hall to her bedroom, idly turning on her computer. Mia's social media was somewhat under control, these days. Sure her name was listed as "Michael" but she had taken to just ignoring friend requests entirely these days due to her unsettling popularity online.

Still, online communications with various "real-life" friends was a decent way to pretend that she didn't have millions of followers for doing almost nothing. She scrolled through her friend's posts, pausing at one from Kyle.

**Clyde's out of the hospital and back from power-crazy therapy. He's sane but needs to stay away from stuff that makes him crazy-powerful for a while**

Mia blinked, head tilted, before leaving a reply.

**Power-crazy therapy is a thing?**

Kyle replied surprisingly quickly.

**I guess so. He's still in an arm cast but he asked if he can play with us again**

Cartman's reply came next.

**Fuck no, I banished him from space and time!**

There was a long pause, before Kyle's next, longer message appeared.

**I think we should. He really does seem better now.**

Mia shrugged.

**Why not? If he's an idiot again we'll just break his arm again.**

She sighed, clicking away, leaving the others to argue about it, no longer too interested. If they could forgive Kenny and Craig, why not Clyde? It wasn't like had been especially in control of his faculties when the whole Stick of Truth debacle had occurred.

It was kind of hard to get a read on Clyde honestly- Mia realized she hadn't actually got to know most of the kid's she'd played with. She knew almost nothing about Token, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, even Jimmy who had helped out quite a few times. She knew a little about them, but was better acquainted with Butters, Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Cartman. She did make friends with some girls but because she was a "boy" to them, she just got a weird vibe from being around them.

It was  _really_ weird being flirted with. It wasn't like she disliked the attention, really. She just felt like there was something dishonest and fake about it. Not "fake" like the way those waitresses at that one restaurant Clyde kept going to where they would flirt to rake in more tips (she heard an interesting story about Butters not quite grasping the concept), it was more like she was lying.

Well. She  _was_  lying. And Mia realized numbly that she  _hated_ it. More than pretending to be a boy, she hated having to lie to all of these people.

Mia jolted slightly. She could hear her parents downstairs, voices raised and she cringed. They had begun arguing lately. She couldn't be entirely sure what, but she was pretty sure it was her. They'd been arguing more and more, and it was almost every night now.

Sighing, the girl walked to her window, staring outside. It was late. A cloudy, dark night sky. Staring into the dense cloud cover above her, Mia realized something that had been true for a while now.

"...I'm not very happy." She whispered, eyes low. "... _shit_."

Mia leaned forward, her forehead lightly bumping against her cold window, dark hazel eyes staring out into the dimly-lit streets, before she pulled her head back and drew her curtains closed. Slowly, Mia sat on her bed, and plugged in her headphones so she couldn't hear her parents fighting.

She looked at her phone, chewing her lip thoughtfully. There was a post from Wendy, and her eyebrows shot up.

**Sleepover at Bebe's house next weekend! If you can see this post you're invited! Don't tell anyone else about this post!**

Then, below that.

**Since I KNOW you're gonna ask to be sure, yes, you're invited New Kid.**

A sleepover huh? That was something that "normal" kids did, right? Mia was far from normal, but maybe… Her thumb tapped the "like" button.

There was a shout from downstairs. Mia cringed and sent a direct text to Wendy.

**Saw the facebook thingy about the sleepover. What day's it on? I wanna avoid having to listen to my parents fight again**

Mia rubbed her brow.  _Why_  did she mention that last bit?

Wendy texted Mia back surprisingly quickly.

**Your parents are fighting?**

Mia sighed. Well, the cat's out of the bag

**Not too bad yet, but its been getting worse. They're not really "yelling" but they're not being quiet exactly.**

Mia watched her phone as the three little dots indicated Wendy texting.

**The sleepover's saturday! But do you know why they're fighting?**

Mia cringed again.

**Me probably. Not sure. Not listening. Makes me anxious and I freak out a bit.**

**Well, you're an honorary girl, so you're welcome to come if you can make it!**

Mia grinned.

 **A night away from home sounds good right about now.**   **Thanks.**

* * *

Mia effortlessly guilt-tripped her parents into letting her go. Sad eyes, a little pout, arms-crossed, silent pleading and they caved.

Mia had her hair down, and a backpack over her shoulder. She even had snuck on a little makeup when her parents weren't looking. Since the girls were already aware of her feminine little habits, they didn't even bat an eyelash at her, as she sat among them.

They  _still_ thought she was a boy, which she had to admit, was kind of funny in a weird way.

Still, it was a fun night. Just talking (well, mostly her listening, only occasionally speaking up), snacking, playing party games and board games, mostly sticking to being wrapped in a blanket in the corner on a beanbag.

"Hey, New Kid!" Annie looked over at her, head tilted. "Can I ask you a thing?"

Mia tilted her head, then shrugged and gave a nod.

"Why did you not talk for a while?"

Mia sighed.

"...cause my voice…" She needed a lie. Still wasn't willing to confess her actual identity. "...S' too high. Boys'd make fun of me if I talked." Mia shrugged. "Not much of a talker anyway."

Bebe tilted her head. "It doesn't sound that high to me. It kinda sounds like a low girl's voice."

"...only people who'd play with me at first was Butters n'  _Cartman._ "

There was an awkward quiet for a moment. Cartman's sheer pettiness and just overall selfish egotism was well-known.

"So… that's it?" Annie blinked, surprised.

"...no. Also annoys my parents." She grinned. "Other afternoon, dad said he'd give me twenty bucks if I said  _one_ word."

"Did you?"

Mia shook her head. "Uh-uh. M'not giving in that easy."

"Is that why- um. Nevermind." Wendy bit back her question. Mia sighed, relieved. She was about to ask about her parents fighting. That wasn't something she wanted to talk about.

"...I'm just kinda quiet when I'm not mad." Mia shrugged. "...When I'm mad, I yell a lot. Mostly swear words."

There were some awkward giggles. Mia grew quiet again, as the conversation rose up again, only half paying attention. She didn't even really react to someone braiding her hair at one point.

"I think you should stay a girl- Girl's are way better!" Another girl joked. Mia didn't really notice who but it took every ounce of self-control she had not to bust out laughing.

"I don't really know." She admitted. "I like girly stuff like pink and dolls and makeup and stuff, but my parents aren't too keen on it…" She sighed. "...but then I also like beating people up and "boy" stuff too."

"Well I mean, you're  _here_  right?" Annie tilted her head. "Instead of at some boy's house?"

"I mean I could probably do that too." Mia shrugged softly. "I could convince them to let me do  _that_ at least… I can't win everything with puppy-dog eyes and guilt trips though…"

She blinked. Okay, Mia needed to shut her mouth now before she had a bunch of people asking her what she meant by that. She didn't want or need pity, she just wanted and needed distraction.

A hand landed on her shoulder and she jolted slightly, glancing at Annie.

"...You okay New Kid?"

 _No_. Is what Mia wanted to say.

"Mhm." She nodded.

Annie's mouth pursed. Shit. It was  _girl-sense._

That's just what Mia called it, anyway. It  _seemed_ like girls were better at figuring out things about other people's mental states. Whether that was true or not, she couldn't say, it just seemed to be that way to her.

"Okay." Annie said quietly. Mia exhaled, giving Annie a relieved smile. She was still staring Mia down, with a very strong  _I didn't believe you at all and am going to give you hell about this later, but for now I'll leave it be_  look on her face.

Mia's anxiety never really went away all night, but it definitely was less there, and despite it, Mia had a good time for the rest of the sleepover, until finally the lights went out and Mia curled up in a sleeping bag. The stocky girl sighed a bit, closing her eyes.

 _I'm more okay now than I was before._  She decided, sleepily letting her eyes fall shut.

* * *

**So are you actually okay?**

Mia sighed when she got home and saw that on her phone from Annie. She sat on her bed and chewed her lip, trying to figure out how to respond.

 **I think so.**  She finally texted.  **Had a rough couple of nights. Last night was good for that. I'm better now.**

Honest. Not very clear, but honest.

**Ok. Glad you're feeling better.**

Phew. Awkward conversation averted. For now. But Mia knew she wasn't fully out of the fire yet, so to speak. After all, Wendy knew her parents were fighting, and Annie suspected something else was up.

But for now she could…

...keep this all to herself and hope it blew over.

Mia groaned, burrowing her face into a pillow with a deep sigh. She was nine years old, she shouldn't have to deal with this shit.

"...fuck everything." She muttered softly, brushing her hair from her eyes, sighing. "Everything sucks forever."

* * *

After that, everything sort of turned into every-day blandness. There was still a kind of insanity that plagued her life, but it was a much more quiet sort, the kind you could go on the next day pretending hadn't happened. She learned some of the past events- the kind of weird things that would have seemed hilariously implausible if Mia hadn't seen some of South Park's weirdness firsthand.

Things drifted to her playing the various games with her friends, trying to avoid being around whenever her parents started fighting, coasting through skill on fairly good grades…

Until Cartman decided that he wanted to get a $100 reward for a cat through a superhero persona…

And told Mia she couldn't play because she was a dork.

Mia would break the fucking  _door_  down if she had to. She  _was_ playing this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeere we go.
> 
> Leave a comment if you wanna.
> 
> Goodnight everybody!


	7. Coon and Friends (And Friend)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having fun with this story. :3

It took Mia a good four minutes to get past Cartman's "security grid". Although one of those minutes was spent dicking around with the buttons to make the keypad spew silly phrases. Eventually though, she got bored with that and entered the proper passcode, hearing the door click as it opened.

She could hear voices downstairs, and quietly crept along the staircase. Around the corner, she could see the boys seated around a table, all wearing handcrafted, makeshift costumes. Cartman, Kyle, Craig, Jimmy and Clyde.

Well, she said makeshift costumes, but Craig had done almost nothing but tape an "S" to his shirt. Listening to them banter, she began identifying their superhero names. Coon, Human Kite, Super Craig, Fastpass and Mosquito.

She probably should be paying more attention. Something about a missing cat, a $100 reward, and things called "Coonstagram" and "Freedom Pals".

Her eyes were drawn to a cork board on the wall.

"Coon and Friends Franchise Plan"

There were names scratched out here and there, but she had to admit it looked like an unfinished mess. Judging by the way Cartman was talking, parts of it kind of were.

 _Wonder what happened._  She thought, sidestepping Jimmy as he politely squeezed past her on his way up the stairs.  _Some kinda falling out? Whatever._

She dropped stealthily down the steps, Cartman being the only other kid in the room, yelling at a "computer" which appeared to be a tablet set into a cardboard setup.

"Super Craig? Super Craig, the fuck are you?" He snapped, fully engrossed in his Coon persona. "I repeat, the fuck are you?!"

Well, at least nothing seemed to have changed that much, other than the game the kids were playing.

Mia decided the best way to get Cartman's attention was to give a light tap to the thing clearly labled "do not touch".

" _Hey hey hey!_ " Cartman screeched, sounding genuinely panicked and mad. "Do  _not_  touch that! That device can blow up the entire Milky Way Galaxy, Jesus fuck!" He snapped his head up. " _Mooooom! The new kid is trying to play with the cube of ultimate destruction!"_

"You be nice to all your friends Eric! Be a good sharer."

Mia's brow shot up in tandem with Cartman's.

"Good sharer?! IT'LL BLOW UP THE FUCKING GALAXY! Stupid bitch…" Cartman took a breath, composing himself. "Look dude! We already told you, you can't play! You aren't a superhero! You don't have a costume! You don't have any superpowers!"

Mia idly raised a hand as if to smack the Cube off it's display table.

"Guh! Look alright you can  _watch_ us play superheroes as long as you don't get in the way!" Eric stormed back to his tablet. "Make yourself useful- go grab me the Stafernisky Device. It's over there."

It took her a moment to figure out that he was referring to an old Viewmaster toy. Mia didn't really know why, but she sighed, picking it up and handing it to him.

"Well, that took long enough." He grumbled, making some odd beeping noises as he fiddled with it. After a moment, he sighed, lowering it. There was a moment of quiet, before he looked Mia in the eye. "...So, you really wanna be a superhero huh?"

Mia nodded.

"Play with the big boys?" A hint of snark, but Mia nodded anyway, expression still blank.

"Well… maybe.  _Maybe_ you can be useful."

It was really hard to tell if Cartman was being "in-character" or if he was just being… Cartman.

"Have a seat at the table, Douchebag."

Mia walked to the opposite end of the table, and Cartman- who she decided to refer to as "The Coon" for as long as he was in character at least once in a while- sat down in his own seat.

"All right, in order to play superheroes, you have to have a Superhero persona. That way you can fill out your character sheet on Coonstagram."

"How long ago did you make that?" She muttered. Coon ignored her question.

"Oh boy, you're not even on Coonstagram."

Well, it  _was_ probably a lesser-known platform. Maybe her online presence wouldn't be as stupidly high as it was on Facebook.

"Okay…" Cartman had clearly just skipped anything else and set one up for her, leaving most of the stuff blank for Mia to fill out later. "First thing we need to fill out on your character sheet is your class…"

* * *

It took some thought, but eventually Mia settled on Blaster. Brutalist was too much like what she'd been doing for the Stick of Truth, and she had a feeling Fastpass's power was too similar to the Speedster's, so, Blaster it was.

Cartman invented some backstory for her- she sort of cringed at how dumb it was, but knowing Cartman she wouldn't win if she argued, so she let him have his way, claiming that she chose to fight crime because her dad fucked her mom. She wasn't about to shatter Cartman's weird illusion of how things worked- in a way she kind of felt bad for Cartman. He didn't even have a dad in his life.

Any pity was pushed aside for annoyance with how much of a jerk he could be, though.

But all things aside, she could only remember vague snippits before South Park. She wasn't even sure why. She remembered bits and pieces- getting bullied for being "that weird American kid" in Australia, and after that a few bits and pieces from various homes in the US… But most of it was blurry, like bad photos printed on wet paper.

However, The Coon had assigned a new duty to her- to get followers on Coonstagram and to meet up with the other heroes- starting with the Human Kite and Super Craig. He even gave Mia some makeshift costume bits.

...Yeah, she looked like a dork. But she was good with her hands. Mia was sure she could craft a better costume eventually. But later.

* * *

First stop: The Broflovski's House. On the way though, she was stopped by Randy Marsh.

"Hey kid, you know anything about this?" He gestured to the scratches all over his car hood. Mia shook her head. Randy's frown deepened.

"Somebody's been keying my wife's car at night." There was a pause, while Randy glared at his car as if hoping the scratches would fade from the intensity of his glare alone. "It's happening  _every_  night. I thought it was one of you damn kids, but… well... here, c'mere, take a look at this!"

Randy opened the garage door, and Mia followed.

"Whoever's been keying the car has also been leaving notes…" He looked at the handful of papers, shuffling them. "I'm just scared it's a jilted lover or something." He flipped to one. "You won't forget me that easy." The next one. "I thought we had something." And a third. "I'll tell the world about you bitch."

Mia tugged at her ponytail, raising an eyebrow. That was certainly a mystery.

"Listen, I'm sick of having to buff this shit out!" Randy grabbed his car waxer, glancing over his shoulder at Mia. "If you can catch whoever's keying Sharon's car tonight, I'll follow you on Coonstagram."

Mia blinked. Weird trade but hey, if she was out at night she'd keep an eye open. She continued down the street toward Kyle's house- or rather, the Human Kite's base, Palace of the Clouds.

For some reason that made her crack a grin.

* * *

Kyle was already fully in-character. He gave Mia a half-hearted wave, before pretending to have never seen her before.

"Who the hell are you?" He tilted his head. Mia rolled her eyes. "... _Really?!_ You sent a newbie to my distress call?! You're such a  _dick_  Coon!" Human Kite sighed deeply. "Sorry kid, but my problem is too big for a rookie. A few days ago, there was an anomaly in the universe- Another version of me. The Human Kite from an Alternate Universe…" He shook his head in despair. "It showed up and started ruining everything. Right now it's Upstairs in my room."

Mia cracked her knuckles.

* * *

"Oh hey Kyle! I'm baaaaack!"

Mia was already annoyed. She put up with the back and forth, until finally, Kyle announced that if Kyle 2 wanted to play superheroes and wanted to be Human Kite from an Alternate Universe, he would have to learn what fighting really was like.

Mia didn't hold back- she lowered her hands and-  _whoa!_

She did  _not_ expect to throw actual fireballs at the boy, who yelped, dancing in pain, but no permanent damage, which was good because she had a feeling that Mrs. Broflovski would  _literally_  kill her if she did.

Kyle 2 winced. "D-didn't your parent's ever tell you not to play with fire because look what's happening now! Oh my there are a lot of decisions in this game aren't there?"

"You could not play!" Human Kite called from the sidelines. "That's a decision you could make!"

Mia sighed. She almost felt bad about beating up this kid.

_Almost._

* * *

After mostly just letting Alternate Human Kite beat himself up and finally getting him to quit, and beating down a sixth grader who was bullying some random kid, Mia found her way to Craig's house.

She knocked, and Craig answered.

"Greetings citizen. It is I,  _Super Craiiiiig_!" Mia had to admit, there was a tiny hint of enthusiasm. That was a lot more than what Craig usually showed.

"I'm sorry but I cannot assist anyone with their problems right now.  _Super Craiiiig!_  Can't find his guinea pig." He lowered his arm and head sheepishly, but did let Mia in. "Stripe isn't just any normal guinea pig. He belongs to me and my ex-boyfriend." Mia's blinked, trying not to express surprise.

"That's right.  _Super Craiiiig!_ is gay." He shrugged. "I think Stripe is hiding down in the basement."

* * *

It took some doing, as well as "borrowing" some snap n' pops from Craig and a fair amount of leg and ass work, not to mention Craig's  _incredibly_ passive-aggressive commentary but Mia managed to help Craig recapture the little guinea pig. He picked it up carefully, giving the animal a few gentle strokes to soothe him, before placing him in a large pen on the floor.

"Yes Stripe, a brilliant rescue. But it wasn't just me. We have ButtLord and his sickening asshole to thank."

Mia grimaced a bit. "Almost worried I was gonna hurt him for a sec there." She mumbled.

"You still helped me catch him." Craig shrugged. "If you ever need help, you can count on…  _Super Craiiiig!_ "

Mia just gave him a thumbs up and headed upstairs.

She also was tasked by Craig's father to find yaoi fanart of Craig and Tweek. Which was sadly, still not even close to the weirdest thing anyone had ever asked her to do in South Park. Besides, she had to admit, she was mildly intrigued about this whole thing.

* * *

Sixth Graders. Big, strong, dumb and mean ones. Gross and actually kind of scary.

Mia growled, a fireball glowing into her hand. It was fight or get her ass kicked hard. Luckily, she didn't have to go it alone- she had Super Craig and Human Kite at her side.

"...I am out of fucks to give." Craig muttered, before charging and headbutting one of the Sixth Graders square in the legs. The lanky kid buckled with a grunt.

"Ow, fuck! For fourthie scum you guys are kinda scrappy…"

Mia lashed forward, her flames knocking a pair back. They were surrounding and bearing down on her.

Suddenly, a kite landed in front of her, before vanishing. One of the Sixth grader's fist connected, but struck some kind of barrier.

"It's a shield!" Kyle called as he dodged a spitball, grimacing. Mia grunted, hurling flames. The three covered each other's weaknesses pretty well; Mia could stay back with Human Kite and keep the sixth graders from approaching, while Super Craig beat the shit out of them, or just taunted them to draw them close so he could beat them even harder, and Kite could protect them with his kite and launch lasers, as well as draw them back in case they risked being overwhelmed, his winds pilling them to him.

So in other words, they beat the  _shit_ out of some Sixth Graders.

And then Cartman spoiled their victory by telling Mia that it kind of sucked for her because it meant that the Sixth Graders would blatantly come after her.

Mia was prepared for that. She'd already beat up a good number of them, what's a few more to an aspiring ass-kicker such as herself?

Mia glanced at her Coonstagram page. A decent number of followers already, but not an obscenely high one like she'd expected. Also, her names that were listed made her crack a grin.

"The New Kid, AKA The Amazing Butthole, ButtLord, Douchebag."

Dumb, but kind of endearing in a weird way.

"Wait a minute!"

Mia jumped as Cartman initiated a video call through Coonstagram.

"You didn't fill out your Kryptonite! What so you're invincible, that's bullshit! Go find Mosquito, he'll help you fill it out."

There was a pause.

"I'm also uploading some other places you should go to fill out your character sheet."

And with that, Cartman hung up. Mia fiddled with her apps for a moment to find the map, with little pins in it where Cartman wanted her to go. Mia sighed, tucking her phone away. This was gonna be an interesting day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Leave a comment if you want!
> 
> Goodnight Everybody!


	8. Character Sheets, Gender Stuff and Beatdowns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy, this is a long one. Enjoy!

Mia had to wind her way awkwardly though an alley to get to Raisins. She'd passed the place once or twice before, but had never really looked at the place. Was it weird that this place existed?

...After reviewing the past few weeks in her head, Mia decided that, no, it wasn't really that weird.

"That's Raisins, New Kid." The Coon cautioned her over the phone. "Mosquito must be inside. Get in there, but do not be tempted by their amazing wings and hot bitches."

Oh geez. Nothing was ever simple in this fucking town, was it?

Mia pushed the door open, stepping inside and adjusting her ponytail nervously. She was quickly approached by a waitress and ushered to a table.

She knew the whole "flirting" thing was fake, probably trying to sucker more tips out of customers or get them to hang around and order more food, but good god it was effective and Mia was flustered. Luckily, it didn't take long to find Mosquito.

_Jesus Christ, Clyde._ Mia thought, shaking her head as she watched him getting doted on by a pair of waitresses for a moment.  _You are the biggest sucker._   _I better get him out of here before he bankrupts himself._

She sighed, pushing back from the table and approaching him with an annoyed glare on her face.

"Hey, beat it kid, these are  _my_ women!" Mosquito sneered at her, so distracted by the waitresses that he didn't even recognize her as the kid who had been partially responsible for the hospital trip he'd taken a few weeks ago. "What superhero are you!?"

His eyes widened, a bit of haziness clearing. "Super… wait… Oh my god! The mission! My fellow superheros! I completely forgot!"

He aggressively shoved out of his seat, scrambling to the ground. "Back away temptresses! Mosquito knows what you are trying to do!"

Mia sighed, shrugging apologetically at one of the waitresses.

"Uh, what are you talking about kid?"

Mosquito whirled to face Mia, eyes frantic. "The Raisins Girls are Mosquito's Kryptonite! You gotta get me out of here!"

"...Uh… Well, Okay then, here's your bill…" One of the girls held up a rather long sheet of paper. Judging by the length, Clyde had been here for a bit too long.

Mosquito took it, and then grinned. "Ha-ha! I think not! You tried to  _charm_ me! I will not pay this bill!"

"You have to leave a tip, asswipe!" Another girl shouted. Oh geez. Maybe Mia should slip out before things got ugly. She started to edge away, but then Mosquito looked her right in the face.

"They aren't going to let us leave without a fight kid! Let's do this!"

_Note to self: Slap Clyde._ She thought, irritably, as the Raisins surrounded the pair.

She quickly hit the button on her speed dial to contact any other Coon Friends nearby. This was gonna get a bit violent.

* * *

And  _holy shit_  did it get violent. These girls weren't the best at throwing punches- but they  _knew_ that so instead they would full on slam their elbows, or scratch with perfectly manicured, razor-like nails. The only reason Mia wasn't throttling mosquito right now was because he was covered in painful looking scratches. Still, the Raisins girls were all knocked about, utterly dazed by the Coon Friends- Mia refused to think "Coon and Friends" unless Cartman was actually there.

"I wanted to order a lemonade but I guess it's too late." Super Craig rolled his eyes, giving his fist a rub as they quickly escaped the restaurant. Mia was tempted to drag Mosquito back and force him to pay his bill, but she was too exhausted from the brawl. Another time maybe.

"Those wenches are my Kryptonite. And you must have saved me just in time. I'm forever in your debt, Butt… Hero." He paused. "What is your Kryptonite?"

"S'what Coon sent me here to have you help with." Mia shrugged, pulling up her character sheet.

"Dude, you can't be a superhero without something you're powerless against."

"Entirely powerless or just mostly?"

"Just mostly, really. Any particular phobias, any emotional hang-ups? C'mon there's gotta be something."

"I mean if I rattled off my hang-ups we'd be here all day so I'll just pick one."

Mosquito nodded, clearly a little thrown off by the way she stated that.

"...I guess pretty girls. Not just Raisins, pretty girls in general."

"No arguments from me! I've learned to resist pretty girls in general, but have never managed to escape the allure of those witches!"

"Okay, whatever, just pay your tab next time, I'm not always gonna be 'round to yank yer ass outta the fire… or the bug light."

Mia added "Pretty Girls" to her character sheet.

* * *

Next stop was school. This would be the third time she'd gone after school was closed. She gave Annie a little wave upon seeing her friend, who raised a brow in amusement at the sight of Mia's latest outfit, but didn't say anything.

She walked until she reached the counselor's office. She'd only briefly seen Mr. Mackey before- back when she'd busted Craig out of detention, he hadn't really noticed her that time, too frustrated by Craig's escape. That was fine with her, though.

"Oh hi, you're the new kid, right?" Mackey seemed much calmer and more approachable than the time she'd busted Craig out of detention. Something must have really set him off that day. Probably her. "Oh great, thanks for coming, have a seat."

She awkwardly clambered into the chair. Mr. Mackey sat in front of his desk with a little clipboard, flipping through papers for a moment. Probably notes from the Principal. She'd never seen him, but she had heard his booming voice, usually aggressively correcting a microaggression. Very interested in political correctness, that man.

"As your counselor, you can talk to me about anything, mkay?" Mackey set his clipboard in his lap for a moment, adjusting his glasses awkwardly. "Now, I understand you wanna talk about… sex?"

"What." Mia uttered softly.

"Mkay see, I'm highly trained in, uh, sex issues, mkay, and you don't have to be afraid…"

"What."

"Mkay new kid, it's really simple, when, uh, when you wanna talk about your sex, you start by saying- you can simply start by saying, you know, I'm a, a boy, a girl or other."

Mia blinked. "Oh. That makes more sense… Um, Mr. Mackey, I thought sex was something different…"

"Mkay, it sometimes is." Mackey nodded, pausing. "But I'll check with the principal, just to be safe. For now though…"

"Right…" Mia nodded, taking a deep breath.  _Fuck it_.

"I'm a girl."

Mr. Mackey paused, blinking- he seemed surprised but beyond that it was hard to gauge his reaction.

"Uh… You're a girl?" He glanced at his clipboard. Oh, must be her student ID or something. "Mkay, we were all under the impression that uh…" He paused, making a little note. "...Can you just hang on a minute, I need to call your parents, mkay?"

Mia buried her face in her hands as she heard him dialing. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck she was in trouble now. Her parents loved her dearly but they'd be mad about this…

"-and your child has just let me know that um, that she's actually a girl…"

A pause. A surprisingly quiet one.

"Oh you  _knew_ that… Mkay..."

Mia's head popped up.

"Well no no, of course- it's fine, it's just that I- I believe everyone was under the impression that he was a boy- that  _she_ was a boy…"

God it felt so good to be referred to as a "she".

"Mkay, so the whole "King" and Stick of Truth thing- that was a girl the entire time… Yeah, no! That's great! That's- that's great to know. I really think I can- mkay, I can be of help from here on. Mkay. Bye bye now, mkay."

He hung up and Mia breathed a low sigh of relief.

"...Maybe um, it'd be better to be more confidential about that stuff…" She suggested gently. Mr. Mackey's heart was clearly in the right place. "For uh… future kids I mean…"

Mackey blinked, but didn't comment, just scribbling something down. Still, he seemed to be fine with everything.

"Mkay… Well this is a shocker, New Kid…"

"Surprise!" She wiggled her hands half-heartedly.

"Perhaps we should clarify by what exactly you mean by "girl"." Mr. Mackey went on to explain the difference between cis and transgender- something Mia didn't really know anything about. She eventually managed to clarify to Mackey that she was a cis female.

"Mkay, great! I mean- I mean it would also be great if you  _weren't_ cis-"

"I get it." Mia smiled meekly.

"Mkay…"

He tapped the top of the paper. "And- and your name? Mkay, is it still "Michael" or-"

"Mia."

"Mmmmkay!" He edited it on the paper.

This felt… good. Like Mia was finally getting some kind of validation from someone about something other than her ass-kicking skills.

"Just- Just be careful, mkay, cause there's- there's a lot of people out there who won't accept you for who you are, and and you're gonna have to deal with them… But- but come see me any time…!"

Mia managed a grin and nodded. "...T-thank you, Mr. Mackey." She felt… maybe not "right" but definitely more whole than she did before. She'd eventually have to fess up to more people, of course, but this was a good start, right?

On the way out, a large, shitty pickup slowly rattled up.

"Well, well, well! If it ain't a cisgendered girl! We don't take kindly to your kind around here!"

Mia doubted that the fuckheads even knew what cisgendered meant, but she'd be happy to educate them.

By smashing their stupid redneck faces into the pavement a few times.

* * *

Mia was puzzled by the macaroni picture that Father Maxi had given her, and why the heck Morgan Freeman worked a taco shop and had her make an enchirito, but nonetheless, she got Cartman his taco. On her way out, however, the smooth-voiced man paused her.

"One more thing…" Mia turned to face him, her head tilted. His eyes bored into hers. "...They say that some farts are so powerful they can… bend the fabric of time. You be careful now."

For some reason this made Mia shiver.

Mia entered the Coon Lair, walking down the steps into the basement. The Coon was at the end of a long table.

"Ah, new kid! Have a seat."

She pushed his taco towards him and Cartman's eyes lit up, as he pulled it out of the take-out container.

"Sweet." He took a huge bite, chewing noisily and swallowing. "So… How's it going out there?"

Mia raised a suspicious eyebrow.

"Uh… So-so. Mostly well."

"...Alright, cool, good talk, uh… well, listen, I think you show some potential, And uhh… I'm gonna upgrade you… to somebody's sidekick, or something. Congratulations."

"Mhm?" Mia quirked her head, rather intrigued. "Go on…"

"I just wanted to talk about your superhero character a little bit… Your character… Sucks. To be honest." Coon pursed his lips and Mia winced. Ouch.

"Oh. So uh. Improvements?"

"Yep. I think I'm gonna let you dual-class…"

* * *

After dual-classing as a blaster-psychic, Mia felt like Cartman really didn't know much about creating backstories. Still, more ways to beat people up right?

Except now she was stuck in a civil war apparently. Coon and her arrived just in time to see Super Craig and Tweek arguing. Craig was uncharacteristically emotional.

"We were supposed to be a team, remember Tweek?!"

"Yeah, I remember!" Tweek spat, twitching violently. "So when I walked out on Coon and Friends, you should have walked out with me!"

Tweek had a little headband- "Wonder Tweek." And she vaguely recalled Cartman calling Token "Tupperware" and she had to guess that the one with the hood and mask was "Mysterion." Who she was pretty sure was Kenny? She wasn't sure but that would probably be right.

"I like Coon and Friends!"

Oh, Timmy was there too, but Mia wasn't sure what his superpower was.

"Because you had your own movies!" Tweek looked ready to tear out his own hair.

To be honest that was only slightly more stressed than usual.

Human Kite glanced warily at Mia. "...Thank god, you're here… They're really going at it…"

"Super Craig  _had_ to have movies before Wonder Tweek was introduced! It made no sense otherwise!"

Tweek exploded. " _Your whole group makes no sense!"_

"Because you're a traitor Tweek, and now you're with a whole group of super-traitors!"

Mia pinched her brow, stealth-texting Kyle.

**This whole thing is somehow Cartman's fault isn't it?**

Kyle winced.

**Kind of all of our faults. Long story. But it was** _**mostly** _ **his fault.**

"This was started by  _you!_ " Whoa, Kenny could really make his voice deep and raspy. "By people who thought there should be preferential treatment to certain heroes!"

Mia pinched her brow. Did she really need to be a part of this?

" _We aren't the ones who walked out of the fucking franchise Mysterion!"_

Timmy slowly moved forward.

" _Eric. You must listen to me. I am speaking to you telepathically._ "

Holy shit.

"...Get out of my head, Timmy."

" _Your franchise is going nowhere… Face the truth Eric. You guys are kind of douchebags_."

"...he just called us douchebags. In my mind." Coon paused, before suddenly growling. "Alright you son of a bitch! Raagh!" He leapt with startling speed, claws first.

Timmy was gone.

"What the fuck?" Mia muttered, blinking.

"Timmy!"

Oh okay, so Timmy had psychic powers, but way better ones than what Mia had. That… That was actually  _really cool._

"Motherfucker! Coon friends! Deal with these assholes!"

Throwdown.

Mia turned, sighing and cracking her knuckles.

"...S' three of us n' three of them." She mumbled to Kite and Super Craig, as they fanned out. "Why… are you guys getting  _behind_ me?"

Mysterion moved forward, suddenly delivering several lightning fast strikes.

_OW, Fuck! Okay that explains that!_

Mia backed off, wincing and hurling a fistful of glitter, dazzling the caped hero, growling. Mysterion stumbled, clearly a bit dazed by the sudden flash, leaving room for Wonder Tweek to advance.

"I-I am Wonder Tweek! Champion of justice!" He called shrilly, rubbing his hands together, sparks crackling between them.

"What? That's gay." Craig groaned.

" _You're_  gay!" Tweek screeched, a burst of electricity crackling from his hands.

"Why me!?" Mia screeched as she was zapped alongside Craig.

Human Kite was about to hurl his shield, but stopped.

"Car!"

"Car."

Everyone stepped off the street in a temporary truce, as the car slowly rolled past.

"Get out of the street, friggen kids!"

"Fuck you, it's civil war, dick." Craig flipped him off.

"...Clear!"

"Clear."

And the fight was back on. Tupperware advanced, whirling in a lightning fast circle, knocking Mia away from him.

"Ow! Again?! Motherfuckers!"

"Sorry New Kid, but you're just on the wrong team."

"I will right wrongs and triumph over evil! And that means you!"

"Wait, me?!" Craig groaned, as suddenly he was showered in freezing icicles. "Ugh…" He shivered, hugging himself. "Okay, jesus, this sucks."

After a moment, he seemed to recover, and charged, headbutting Tweek who let out a strangled yell somewhere between rage and pain.

"Tweek's hurt? What a surprise." Super Craig's deadpan words carried over the sounds of fists flailing.

Mia quickly raised her hands, focusing. A pink bubble slowly formed around her, just in time to avoid Mysterion suddenly slithering behind her and delivering a kick that sent her bouncing away, still in her bubble.

"Whoa, shit!" She yelped, crashing into the ground. She rolled to her feet in time to raise her hands, lashing out with whips of fire.

"Fuck you!" She snapped, clearly frustrated, knocking Mysterion away. Kite raised his fists and punched just as Mysterion was knocked into them. Kenny groaned, collapsing from the sudden vicious assault.

Super Craig seemed to not really give a fuck as usual. He just punched whoever was close enough, and bum-rushed whoever wasn't. Mia gave another strangled screech as the zap from earlier suddenly sent sparks from her.

"Ow, ow, shit, it  _still_ hurts! Motherfucker!"

Tupperware suddenly approached and spun into her again. This time, her shield shattered.

Mia gave a furious sort of screech, not quite as shrill as Tweek's, but it definitely sounded mad.

"...He's pissed." Craig smirked, then cringed as a jolt of electricity went through her. Kite wasn't doing too great either. He seemed to have been hit by the aftershock that hit Mia.

"Okay, time for a psionic middle finger…" Mia muttered, closing both eyes, lowering her hands. Slowly, she could see different lights, and her fingers gently took them, pushing them in certain ways, changing just enough…

She felt the pain fade, and a soft glow enveloped her, as a kind of defense.

"Okay, you can stop massaging my chakras now, thanks." Craig grimaced, punching Tweek squarely in the chest. Tupperware awkwardly realized he was surrounded by tree healed and shielded heroes.

"Kite laser!"

And down. But not out. The three were stumbling to their feet, slowly. Luckily, (finally), the other two Coon Friends arrived.

"Sorry b-b-bout that! Had to get mosquito away from Raisins! A-a-again!"

"Already?!" Mia glared. Clyde flinched and looked down.

"Not the restaurant, he means actual Raisins girls. They're super pissed."

"No." Mia deadpanned. "Really. Had no idea." She turned her attention to the Freedom pals, but they had made a tactical retreat, disappearing for now. The girl sighed, pinching her brow. At least it was over. Even with the heal though, the electric shocks and punches still stung.

"Good job, New Kid. You're really getting the hang of this."

"...Where's Coon?"

"Oh  _shit_." Human Kite grimaced. "Come on."

* * *

Mia sat on the floor waiting for Super Craig to finish "Analyzing" Dr. Timothy's phone. She wasn't sure why she was sitting on the floor, she just kinda felt like it. Everyone else just sort of milled about, doing various tasks- some real, most just in-character as "superhero stuff."

Mia, was, much to her embarrassment, secretly meditating a bit. She hadn't really had a chance to just sit and empty her mind in a long while. She liked to do it as a de-stressing exercise. It…

….Sometimes worked.

Right now, it was. She'd had an overall good day. Made some enemies, beat down some creeps, thugs and bullies, got roped into helping Mosquito eat and run (still needed to punch him for that), and finally told someone that she was, and had always been, a girl.

At this rate, if she ever got the guts, she might tell her friends too. She felt like she'd have better luck telling a few of her female friends first. Annie would be easy to tell, maybe. Wendy too, probably.

"What have you found, Super Craig?"

Mia glanced up, thoughts derailed by Cartman's voice.

"Timmy's phone has a bunch of notes on it." He noted. "Something about a girl with information on all the criminal activity in town."

"What girl?" Cartman tipped his head up excitedly.

"It just says, "Find the Girl with the Dick Tattoo."

Mia sighed. Sounds like she was in for another adventure tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you feel up to it! I try to remember to reply to them when I see them.
> 
> Goodnight Everybody!


	9. Home Life/Night Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa. Knocked this one out fast. Anyway, enjoy!
> 
> Some feels ahead.
> 
> Some.

When Mia arrived at home, her parents were fighting. Worse than ever before. She opened the door and her dad was  _shouting_  at her mom.

"What are you  _doing_ even  _talking_ to the school counselor?! Why'd you answer the phone!?"

She flinched, shocked. Her dad had never quite been  _this_ paranoid.

"Have you lost your  _fucking_ mind?!" Her mother snarled, disbelief on her face. "Our child felt the need to go talk to the school counselor- doesn't that bother you at all?!"

"So you told him the  _truth?_ "

Mia felt a mix of emotions. She was scared for her parents, worried, but also- furious. Angry. She had too many feelings and didn't know what to do with them. She just sort of froze up, unable to interject.

"Yes!" Her mother snapped. "I told him she was a girl! Mia  _told_ us she couldn't keep it secret forever and you  _know_ that!"

"You dumb bitch, you'll ruin everything!" He shouted, louder than before.

"I don't have to take this from a stoned out  _pothead! Ugh!"_ Her mother pinched her brow, sighing. "...I need a drink."

"Sure, drown your problems in Chardonnay you  _stupid skank-_ " His eyes suddenly widened and noticed Mia, frozen and shell-shocked in the door. His voice caught in his throat and all the anger drained from his face, replaced with a flash of guilt.

"Oh, hey whippersnapper!" His tone shifted, trying to sound like nothing was wrong. Mia flinched a little. She refused to look up at them.

"Oh…!" Her mother sounded similar. "Did you have a fun day out playing?"

Mia nodded timidly.

Her father forced a clumsy laugh. "Well, I'm exhausted. Gonna get ready for bed…"

Her mother ruffled Mia's hair gently, and Mia uneasily looked up at her.

"Dinner's on the table if you want it, punk." She said, fondly. Mia cracked a tiny, rare smile. She couldn't remember when her mom had started calling her that, but it did provide a tiny bit of comfort. "But then straight to bed, okay?"

Mia nodded and walked slowly to the table, just barely catching her mother and father muttering at each other.

"Pothead..."

"Alcoholic…"

Mia barely could touch her food. A few small bites, but she just-

Everything felt awful. She felt ill, awkward, and just…

This was her fault.

Mia sunk into her seat, resting her head on her hands, trying to get a few more bites. It was good, but she just couldn't bring herself to eat. It felt like every bite was turning to ash in her mouth.

"...Fuck." She muttered softly, as she took one final bite, before taking the plate to the kitchen and stretching some plastic wrap over the plate to save it for later, tucking the food in the fridge. Slowly, Mia shambled upstairs, to her bedroom. With a long, miserable sigh, she sat and set her phone to a silent alarm for later that night.

Mia needed to talk to someone about this, but couldn't bring herself to text anyone. She took a deep breath and slowly sank into the bed, closing her eyes. She needed to get what little sleep she could tonight.

The door opened a crack, and Mia's eyes fluttered open. "Mmh?" It was her mom. Clearly not entirely sober.

"Sweetie… I just want you to know that… whatever happens… mommy always loved you…" She swayed a bit, leaning on the doorframe. "Goodnight sweetie."

And with that, her mother slowly closed the door.

"...I know mom." Mia whispered, hollowly, knowing her mother couldn't hear it.

* * *

It took some effort to sneak out, but she managed it. Mia crept outside, only to be startled by a sudden appearance of the one member of Coon and Friends she hadn't met yet.

"Ah-hah! Fear not, for it is I! Captain Diabetes!"

Mia cracked a little grin. Scott Malkinson. She didn't really know him, but she recalled him being easy enough to get along with.

"Yes! A mild mannered gentleman with the power of Diabetes at his control!" He struck a corny pose and Mia bit back a full laugh at the theatrics. Maybe this night wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

Well… Maybe she'd spoken too soon. Randy was keying his own wife's car, clearly drunk out of his mind.

"Oh. That's who was- dammit…" Mia shook her head with a sigh.

"Fuckin' bitch! Let's see how you like  _this_!"

Scott and her exchanged a glance, and the Captain approached.

"I am Captain Diabetes!"

Randy blinked, dazedly, and for a moment seemed to have lost his aggression. The distraction did the trick.

"Oh okay…" He slurred, trying to walk straight. "Well, move outta the way, will ya, I need to go buy more beer."

The Captain stood fast. "I'm sorry, but Captain Diabetes cannot let you drive!"

"Wh- I'm fine to drive, ok? Get outta here!" He tried to wave the kids off, but Scott snatched Randy's keys from his hands quickly, tucking them in his back pocket.

"Probably a good idea." Mia crossed her arms.

"Hey! Gimme my keys!"

"...Maybe not. Careful." Scott cautioned her carefully, as he stood his ground. "You are in no condition sir!" He called to Randy, louder and clearer.

"I'm fine, OK?!" Randy snapped, nearly falling over. "Look- wait-" He straightened, managing to straighten his back for a moment. "I'm fine- Ok? Gimme my keys. Please."

"Nuh-uh." Mia shook her head.

"I'll return them tomorrow." Captain Diabetes said with an air of finality.

" _GIMME MY FUCKIN KEYS YOU LITTLE SHIT!"_ Randy bellowed, suddenly charging them.

"Shit-!" Mia yelped, leaping out of the way. "Gotta knock him out or he'll kill us and then himself…!"

* * *

It wasn't as bad as it could have been. Randy's coordination was off, and with two kids knocking him back and forth was getting dizzy. Scott proved to be able to hit quite hard, and it only took some careful maneuvering to keep him off balance. Eventually, Randy hit the ground with a thud.

"I'll get those keys… after this short little nap…"

"Goodnight Mr. Marsh." Captain Diabetes shook his head, giving Mia a relieved look. "Let's get to Human Kite's palace so we can use the shortcut to Main Street!"

* * *

Mia hadn't really been out and about at night before. She had to admit, Scott wasn't kidding when he warned her South Park was a much different place. Many adults were drunk or on drugs. Some kind of concert. At least nobody else was belligerent- especially when Scott revealed just how strong he was by hurling a porta potty aside to clear the crowd.

Nobody wanted to mess with a kid who could do that just by ingesting a little too much sugar.

"...Maybe try not to overdo it." Mia suggested dryly, as Captain Diabetes injected his insulin. "Need a sec?"

The Captain shook his head, taking a few breaths, recovering. "And, I am back to normal! You see how masterfully I have learned to control my diabetes!"

"Just mind your insulin." Mia advised blandly, as the duo continued down the streets.

* * *

Mia uttered a shaky sigh. She really wasn't comfortable being roped into sneaking into a stripclub. Too loud, too flashy. Also, she wasn't very good at keeping a low profile. Still, they had managed, after a really stupid series of events (She felt like identifying that the events were stupid in South Park was beginning to be a bit redundant), the duo managed to chase Classi to the back.

"They after me ladies! Stop em!" Classi shouted, pointing. Mia flinched.

"Ah, hell."

"Stand aside ladies! Captain Diabetes and his sidekick need to question that stripper!"

"Oh subtle." Mia muttered, pinching her brow.

"You wanna get to her, you're gonna have to go through us!"

"Bring it on…!"

The women began to advance, clearly looking for a fight.

"Plan?"

"Rush through them!" Diabetes pointed. "We just need to get to Classi!"

Mia nodded, hurling out fistfulls of glitter and flames, while the Captain relied on simply smashing them aside or rushing past them.

"Y'know Captain-" Mia ducked a punch, focusing her shield powers. "I think we probably could'a thought this plan through better." She didn't need to add a shield to Diabetes, but did so anyway to make his life a little easier.

"I think you're right sidekick. These ladies are really mad!" He lowered his head. " _Sugar rush!"_ And charged straight through several of the women. "We have to get to Classi!"

"Agh, shit!" Mia yelped as her shield was shattered by the sharp nails of one of the strippers. "No claws!" She punched the woman in the gut. Not really her "class" but she still was strong enough to stagger her. One stripper was still confused and didn't even know what was happening, and was beating the hell out of another stripper.

They were making progress at least.

"I might need me a plan B." Classi muttered, as she retreated, intent on watching the brawl, but not daring to actually get involved. "...Oh you little bastards done fucked up…  _Get em Bootay!"_

The entire room  _shook_.

"The fuck?!" Mia squeaked as the shaking ground bounced her into the air a bit. "Uh, Cap? We got a problem."

From the opposite wall, the biggest woman Mia had ever seen erupted through the wall with a deep bellowing cry. The massive stripper slammed her weight into the ground so hard that Mia could see the lights flickering.

"Hey honey… You ain't ready for this Bootay. I'm gonna crush you in my booty cheeks."

"Oh my god." Scott squeaked, looking afraid for the first time all night. "She'll crush us alive with her massive butt!"

"Fucking  _go!_ " Mia yelped, as she punched a stripper out of the way, re-focusing her shield. It wouldn't help her against Spontaneous Bootay's massive bulk, but it would protect her from anything else at least.

The strippers were blocking the way still, and Bootay was coming, slow, but steady. Mia quickly ducked past one girl, hurling flames and knocking her backwards, sending the girl stumbling into Bootay's path. The huge woman knocked the other lady aside, not even seeming to notice her.

"You think she's okay? Don't tell Coon I said that."

"Better than we'll be if we don't get outta here!" Mia pushed him along rapidly. "Do the sugar rush thingy and I'll be right behind ya!"

Captain Diabetes nodded, head low. "Right… Here we go!" He charged, knocking several of the women aside. Mia sprinted to keep up with him, skidding as they reached the end of the hall.

"Uh-uh! You'll never take  _me_ alive!" Classi bolted out the door.

"We can't let her get away, sidekick! Let-"

Mia shoved him out the door quickly, slamming it behind her. "Sorry, not sorry. Didn't wanna die."

There was a muffled boom from inside the club, then silence.

Classi was pounding at the door to the italian restaurant nextdoor. "Ay! Lemme in you assholes, the cops're here!"

The door opened, and a man in a suit stepped out. "What? Get inside." And then drew a pistol. Mia skidded to a halt, eyes wide. She didn't think her bubble could stop a  _bullet_.

"Go on, scram! I ain't afraid to use this thing!" He brandished the gun, firing a shot into the air.

There was a low, painful creaking of metal. All three pairs of eyes slowly turned upwards to the large flashing sign.

It crashed down, landing on the man and killing him instantly, crushing him.

"...I would feel bad but he just pointed a gun at us. So I don't." Mia confessed. "...does that make me a psychopath? God I hope not."

There was a long silence.

"Come on new kid. Into that restaurant!" At least she wasn't the only one who felt that way. Scott took out his juicebox, squeezing it and drinking the whole thing. "Stand aside sidekick! It's time for…  _Diabetic RAGE!"_

He gripped the sign with a mighty roar. It creaked a little, but otherwise barely budged. Still, Mia was impressed that Captain Diabetes could even move it that far.

Scott panted heavily, fumbling with his makeshift insulin bandolier. "Even my diabetic rage can't move  _that_ sign. "Oh god… it's too much… I need my insulin… My- I need my…" Slowly his eyes widen.

A ball of dread grew in Mia's stomach.

"Oh no. Oh god…  _Oh god I'm out of insulin!"_  In a panic he gripped Mia, actually lifting her off the ground, pure terror in his gaze. " _You've got to help me! I drank the apple juice but I don't have any insulin! I'm going into diabetic shock!_ "

Mia gave a little cry of alarm, as he dropped her, spasming and falling to the ground. Scott was truly in a panic now, uttering gasps as he collapsed fully, flat on his face. "Oh god, I'm dying oh god… Mom, mom…! Somebody please! Huh… Huuhh… Uhh…."

Mia felt everything sort of freeze up.

Scott was dead and she was all alone and had no idea what to do.

She stood there, in shock, unable to move, rooted to the ground. She heard Coon's voice coming from her phone, but couldn't move to answer it, paralyzed with fear and shock.

Then a soft, soothing, warm voice echoed in her mind. Was that… Morgan Freeman?

"You know what makes my farts super bad? Handcrafted Tex-Mex. Not just any handcrafted Tex-Mex. It's gotta be something extra special… You know what to do, new kid."

Mia still had the enchirito. Not that she knew what it would do, but… Fuck it. She didn't have many options and she'd only eaten part of her dinner. Mia unwrapped it, hands shaking and scarfed it down.

She felt a painful building in her gut.

"Ohhh, you've gotta be fucking with me-"

There was a massive sound, like an explosion. Mia farted so hard, that time seemed to stop.

Then it started going backwards.

Oh.

_I guess this is a thing now._

"A-ah?" Mia's head snapped up. Not only was Scott standing, but so was the mobster. "I'm alive?!"

_So he remembers?_

"What happened? Who are you? AHHH!" And with that, the man fled. Mia stumbled, reeling. That fart really took it out of her. She turned to Captain Diabetes, whose eyes were huge.

"Waitaminute… what happened…? I thought I died from Diabetes!"

Mia wasn't really a hugger, but she did hug the boy something fierce. "You did you stupid asshole!" She let go, embarrassed. "Sorry. Uh. But. Yeah. You died." Mia sheepishly rubbed her head. "You're not an asshole."

"I remember seeing a bright light… the hand of God reaching for me… Then somebody farted in my face and I was back! I can almost still smell it…"

"Ew." Mia cringed. "Sorry. I didn't even know I could do that until now… Guess uh, I have even more powers…"

"Time powers! Amazing!" Scott beamed. "And you used them to save me! Great going sidekick!"

Mia laughed weakly. "Okay, yeah, but no more sugar, okay? I'd rather not do that again."

Scott nodded, picking up his phone. "We're calling for some backup this time."

* * *

Coon, Kite and Mosquito were at a table inside when Mia and Captain Diabetes arrived.

"There they are!" Coon pointed at them with a breadstick. "Where's the girl?"

"You didn't see her come in?" Diabetes looked surprised.

"Uh, no… we were busy uh… syncing our watches."

"No," Human Kite snapped, glaring at him. "We were looking at menus because Cartman made us order  _food._ "

"Fighting crime on an empty stomach is very dangerous, Human Kite!" Carman shut Kyle up by shoving a breadstick at him. "It's for your own good!"

Mia sheepishly palmed one while no one but Mosquito was looking, and Clyde just gave her a little shrug.

"She couldn't have left-" Mosquito gestured to the entrance. "We would have seen her go out the front door!"

Mia snuck another breadstick. She should be a pickpocket, she was so good at stealing these things.

"Well, then maybe she's in the back!"

"Okay you guys check it out! Call us if you need help. We'll be waiting for you with our breadsticks."

* * *

Cartman actually joined the first fight- a group of dangerous, and angry cooks. Coon's sharp claws proved surprisingly effective against them, especially when combined with the various other bits of trickery the heroes used.

"Try not to slip on your guts and fall." Coon sneered at one of the dazed cooks who lay on the floor. "I'd hate to see you hurt yourself."

"I'm pretty sure I could fit your body in a stock pot, you little shit!" Another one reared up, about to bean Coon in the head with a wooden spoon. He gave a shrill yelp and fell, as Mia had simply come up behind him and punched him in the balls.

"You would be shocked how rarely people who aren't me do that." Mia intoned. Beating up these guys was almost dull compared to the panicked fight through the Peppermint Hippo.

"Fresh blood!" Mosquito laughed, dive-bombing another from one of the counters."

"Well that was a massacre." Kyle winced, as they glanced at the unconscious chefs. "I'd say sorry but… I'm not."

* * *

"Holy guacamole! What is THIS!?"

The room was wall-to-wall with cats.

"Holy shit!" Mia scanned them. She didn't recognize any as Scrambles, but she did feel the need to gently open one of the cages and give the cat some much-needed pets.

"Coon! We found missing cats! A whole  _room_ of them!"

" _Dude!_  Is Scrambles one of them?!"

"I don't see him!" Mia called, still cuddling the black, collarless cat who purred noisily.

"Nnnegative." Diabetes gave the room one more once-over. "None of them are fat and old."

"I mean a lotta them are fat, but not "Scrambles" fat." Mia grunted, adjusting her hold on the kitty. "At least these guys are feeding them…"

"What about the girl?"

"We're still tracking her."

"Only one room she could be in." Mia reluctantly returned the cat to the cage. She could let the cats out later.

"We have to find out what she knows! Keep going."

"Kitty litter, food and water dishes, cat toys…" Mia mumbled. "This is weird, right? If you were just stealing cats for like, some shady scheme you wouldn't normally give them all this stuff right? The hell's going on…?"

"Cheesing." Diabetes suggested.

"...What?"

"They use the cat pee for drugs."

"...ew."

* * *

"That ain't no cop! That's Captain Diabetes!"

"Huh. Guess you're famous, Cap." Mia noted, hands behind her back, ready to fire a laser.

"When he was born his mother farted during labor and it gave him diabetes that he uses to fight crime!"

"T- That is  _not_ how you get diabetes!"

"If they ain't cops then we can shoot em, along with this bitch too!"

Mia and Diabetes found themselves with several guns pointed at them. Mia sighed.

"The worst thing about guns is how they make people so damn impolite." She grumbled, shaking her head and preparing either for death or Deus ex Machina.

"Aww shit, y'all turnin' on me?! I knew I shouldn't have went into business with y'all Tony Soprano-looking motherfuckers!" Classi snapped.

Luckily, before said Tony Soprano-looking motherfuckers could shoot the three, Deus ex Machina arrived.

"RAAAGH!" The door was suddenly smashed open, banging into the wall.

"What the-!"

The mafia leader let out a most un-manly cry as he was hefted into the air, gun sent spinning from his hand. Randy Marsh, pants around his ankles and eyes utterly unfocused shook the large man like he was a tiny rag doll.

"I WANT MY KEYS!" He roared.

"I-I-I-" The italian man stuttered, eyes huge. "I-I don't have your keys, man!"

"RAAAAAGH!" Randy slammed him into the wall, smashing his face.

"H-he's wasted on red wine!" One man squeaked.

"Red wine drunk is the worst kind there is-" Before the man could continue that train of thought, Randy went into a berserk rampage, punching and smashing, beating the men down before they could even respond- probably breaking some bones as he did.

"Let's get out of here!" They bolted.

Slowly, Randy turned, breath heavy, eyes dazed, but slowly focusing on Scott, pupils shrinking to pinpricks.

"Alright… Captain Diabetes…" He whispered, voice filled with malice and slurred drunkenness. "...Give me… my fuckin' keys…"

"YOU ARE IN NO CONDITION SIR!"

"...Then  _die._ "

Mia sighed.

"Fuck."

This was more like Diabolus ex Machina.

* * *

Even being ganged up on, Randy drunk on red wine was probably the most dangerous foe Mia had faced in a fair fight.

Okay probably not, but he sure as hell gave her some nasty bruises. At one point, he had bodily lifted her and thrown her into the opposite wall. Mia spent a decent amount of that fight on the floor, about to get back up, only to get trampled by an angry Randy trying to get at Scott. Even Kite's healing didn't do much to keep up with the absolute thrashing she just took.

"Ugh. How the fuck do I explain the bruises to mum n' dad?" She muttered, shaking her head.

"Aight, aight, shit!" Classi was in the corner, hands up. "Look, all I know is that there's a kingpin tryin to get new high-grade drugs out on the streets!"

"Useful info. Not what we need." Mia grumbled. Kyle helped her to her feet, and she dusted herself off.

"You got wine all over your face." He offered Mia one of the napkins from the tables out in the main restaurant and she scrubbed at her face. "No glass though, at least."

Mia had tuned out most of the conversation between Coon and Classi, and pushed open the door back to the cat room. The girl sighed, glancing weakly at her friends. "...How the hell do we get these cats to their homes? We can't just leave them here."

"I'll call someone." Kyle shook his head. "I know a guy who can probably help."

Mia scooped up the black cat she'd played with earlier. "I'll… take this one." She said evasively. "For now."

* * *

Mia had found that even the patient and polite Liane Cartman had her limits, and when she had threatened to call her parents, she fled home at full speed, sneaking back indoors and to her room before anyone ever knew she was missing. She also snuck the cat in, keeping a window open so she could claim that he got in through there if her parents got mad about it.

"Gonna name you later." Mia mumbled sleepily, as she took off her costume and put on her pajamas, clambering into bed. The cat meowed once and hopped on top of her, padding about and curling up. "N' get you a litterbox too." She added, eyes slowly closing.

It had been a very busy night.

And it was a school night, too.  _Fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mia's really in for it now. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> She didn't name the cat mostly because I wasn't sure what to call him, but anyway. If you could name a black-furred very loudly purring stray, what would you call him?
> 
> Leave a comment if you want! I always appreciate it! 
> 
> Goodnight everybody.


	10. Superhero Shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help i cant stop writing these
> 
> they're so long oh god
> 
> Okay just kidding. This is actually a ton of fun.

Amazingly, Mia managed to wake up on time, get to school on time, and functioned fairly well throughout her day(although she did nod off a bit during lunch). She even managed to hide her bruises from last night with a bit of makeup.

...It occurred to her that if anyone saw them they'd assume she was getting abused by her parents or something, and she probably would have to come up with a good enough excuse to avoid getting her family into trouble. They'd had enough problems. They might fight, but they would never,  _ever_ hit her.

Honestly, today had been… decent so far. Her parents, while definitely both inebriated, weren't at each other's throats for now, and both greeted her fondly in the morning, and when she got back from school to change back into her superhero outfit. Her dad was still acting paranoid, but in a much calmer way. Although that could have been the pot talking.

Still, Mia had a mission. Jimmy's house was pretty close by, so it was just a brisk walk there. She knocked twice at Jimmy's door before entering. Classi was sitting on the couch, idly filing her nails. She glanced up as Mia closed the door behind her.

"Oh, it's you again. 'Sup hero?"

Mia just kind of quietly shrugged, glancing about. Classi rolled her eyes a bit and turned.

"Hey Fastpass, one of your superhomies is here!"

"Oh, hey new kid! The Coon told me he wants you to question the witness, so go ahead, have at it."

"Still don't know why he wants  _me_  to do it…" Mia grumbled, giving a shrug. "...Alright, what's it gonna take, Classi? Like, we just want a cat… Well, Coon does. I actually kinda wanna know what else is happening."

"All right, look, I know y'all need my help 'n shit but I ain't talkin till you get my medication."

"Y-your medication?" Jimmy's head tilted a bit.

"Yeah! I can't think straight without my medication! You gotta go pick up my prescription, aight?"

She handed Mia a note. She groaned.

"Medicinal Fried Chicken? What is it with places that have cannabis having kind of stupid names?"

"Until you get my prescription, I ain't tellin' you little heroes fuck all  _nothin'_."

"Oh good, wonderful." Mia sighed as she tucked the note into her pocket. "One more hurdle to leap… among however many more there will be…"

* * *

As she was leaving, she got sidetracked by a call from Human Kite and, seeing how his house was closer than the place where Classi's medication was, she headed there first. Which of course meant…

"I'm BAAAAAACK!"

"Oh jesus, here we go…"

"Will you deal with him, please?" Kyle begged softly.

"Look, Cousin Kyle, it's that mean kid who beat me up before." Kyle 2 pointed at Mia. She sighed.

"Whatcha mean? I was just playing superheroes." Mia said, mock-sweetly. The girl cracked her knuckles slowly. "The real way…"

* * *

Things never were that simple, as Kyle 2 quickly proved, when he called in his "secret weapon"-

Sheila Broflovski. Hell hath no fury like a furious mom from New Jersey. Luckily, several of the Coon Friends seemed rather… eager to have a chance to actually beat the woman up. Apparently she was  _not_ popular. Mia mostly just tried to defuse the situation, but it was pointless.

Kyle managed to keep Sheila from calling the cops at least and they got away with minimal punishment. And Mia figured out another use for her ridiculously powerful farts; pseudo-flight!

* * *

_Shit._

Mia was cornered in an alleyway. Raisins. Really pissed ones. She really didn't want to have to beat these girls up as they had every right to be mad, but why  _her_?

"Come on." She groaned. "I just got roped into this mess. Mosquito's the asshole, not me."

"Sorry cutie! But you ordered the good old-fashioned beating- cold as hell."

Mia growled, quickly bubbling herself as a girl rushed her, elbow-first. Looks like she had to go this one solo.

Luckily, the alleyway gave her plenty of places to quickly scramble to, pelting the girls with glitter and flames, scattering them. There were only four of them at least, and they couldn't get behind her with the way Mia kept to the corners and walls.

"You picked a fight with the wrong bitches!" One of them shouted, kicking the boxes Mia had perched upon and sending her tumbling to the ground. She leapt to her feet, ready to fight off anyone who came near.

"Will you just fuck off?!"

"You really think you're tough shit, don't you? Well, it's time for you to meet someone. Say hi, Rebecca."

"Oh." Mia mumbled, as the huge, powerful looking girl stomped around the corner.

"I'm gonna break you in half and stick you up my butt."

"You know," Mia edged back. "I'd be willing to like, force Mosquito to pay his tab… uh…" The girls advanced, fists and nails raised. "You don't care do you? So unreasonable."

"You messed with the wrong Raisins, sugar. Get 'em girls!"

The girls rushed forward, out for blood, when suddenly, all their phones started going off at once.

"...Oh my god…" Rebecca's eyes went wide as she looked at her phone. "Oh my god!"

"What?"

"A thousand people just disliked the picture of me in ballet class!" Her hands shook. "I'm totally getting trolled right now!"

More buzzes, ringtones and notifications began going off.

"...What the  _eff_?! Heather, why'd you tweet that I was going out with  _Eric Cartman!?_ "

"I  _didn't!_ "

"I'm totally getting trolled right now too!"

"What the fuck-what the fuck?!" Rebecca shook her phone as if it could change what was happening. Mia just awkwardly scooted into the shadows, watching the Raisins all panic.

"I just lost all my followers!"

"I have to get to a computer!"

"What the fuck, what the fuck?!"

They scattered, fleeing the alleyway, ignoring Mia completely, as something much worse was at stake now- their  _social media_. Mia rubbed a nasty scratch one of the girls had given her, wincing. "...ow."

"...Hello New Kid."

Mia whirled. "What the- Wend-" She cleared her throat, shaking her head. Something about the glare Wendy sent her told her that she was supposed to be anonymous right now...

If that was the case the girl might want to use a slightly better mask.

"Don't worry. I'm unfriending their instagrams exponentially. They won't be back for a while."

"...cool." Mia mumbled, genuinely impressed. Wendy flashed a smirk.

"You gotta be careful playing superhero. You can make a lot of enemies."

" _No_." Mia mock-gasped, dripping sarcasm. "I didn't notice-" She winced, realizing how petty she sounded. "...sorry, go on."

"Some boys think girls don't make good superheros… But I've known you were a girl since the day you moved here, New Kid."

Mia's mouth dropped open. "W-what?"

"Why do you lead everyone to believe you're a boy?" Wendy stared at her, genuine curiosity in her gaze.

"...Oh geez… It started for a reason that made sense." Mia rubbed the back of her head. "But then that reason went away but my parents don't think it did. And now I mostly do it cause… Uhm…"

Wendy tilted her head, but patiently waited for Mia to explain.

"...I don't know why I still do." She shrugged. "I just never bothered to correct anyone. No one ever asked 'cept for Mr. Mackey. So I just... kept letting it be, even though it was weird and awkward and just kinda felt awful?" Mia awkwardly shuffled her feet, tugging at her ponytail clumsily. "...Why didn't  _you_ say anything?"

"Well… I thought maybe you were trans. Or agender. Or genderfluid. Or- you know, I thought maybe you weren't cis." Wendy curiously examined Mia. "But I learned you were. And I figured you must have had your reasons... And I was curious."

"Fair enough." Mia shrugged. "But no, I've always been cis and as far as I'm aware will always be that way…"

"Hmmm…" Wendy tucked the phones she held into her belts. "Well, I guess I'll let you figure out whether you actually want to tell people on your own. Look, you've got  _problems_."

"I noticed."

"No I mean-  _really big problems._  Whatever you did last night got a lot of people's attention.  _Bad_ people. There's a crime boss who's been calling the shots here in South Park-"

"Yeah... someone said something about that. Bringing all the crime families together and putting out higher-grade drugs or something."

"It gets worse. Whoever it is is planning to run for office."

"In South Park?  _In this tiny-ass town?!"_

Wendy sighed. "Yes. But whatever you did last night scared him." Wendy lifted a pair of cell phones. "I'm tracking everyone's Instagrams and Facebooks and will continue to cross-reference with Tumblr, while monitoring Twitter and Linkedin… If you need information, just know you can rely on… Call Girl."

"You're like a serious badass, you know that?" Mia marveled, grinning lightheartedly. "Thanks by the way."

Call Girl laughed, nimbly scrambling up to a fire escape. Wow, she was a lot more agile than Mia was.

"Watch your back girlfriend!"

* * *

Mia was stopped outside of the MFC by the two heavy-duty looking machine guns with laser sights. That was… not really something she wanted to test her bubble's durability against.

"STEP AWAY FROM THE DOOR, OR YOU WILL BE TERMINATED."

Mia cautiously backed out of the yellow square. The guns remained, but the sights flicked off. Which she guessed meant they wouldn't shoot her outside the square.

" _Too bad, New Kid… Minors aren't allowed in a place like that._ "

"Mr. Freeman?" Mia glanced about warily.

" _It's alright, New Kid. I am here to help you. Because you aren't just any minor now, are you_?"

There was a click, and the trunk of a car popped open. Mia looked around, before approaching. There was a recipe inside… A burrito with cheese and shrimp. Mia shivered. What kind of power could a dish like that hold for her, if a mere enchirito could let her  _rewind time?_

And holy shit this town just kept getting  _weirder_  didn't it?

* * *

It took some wandering to find the right things to make a good enough shrimparitio, but she managed it. She slowly ate it, savoring the taste, admitting that it was pretty good… Only to feel a familiar roiling in her stomach.

Mia cried out, in actual pain, as her fart tore through time…

And  _froze_ it.

"Okay…" She mumbled, breathing hard. "That's… stupid, but also really  _really_ fucking cool."

* * *

Coon strolled up after time regained its natural flow, and Mia had shut down the guns.

"Ah, New Kid! I see you've also come to assist in ensuring Classi's cooperation."

"I- yeah let's go with that."

"Please after you."

Mia shrugged and pushed inside. The place was wall-to-wall with different kinds of pot. Mia was really clueless about this stuff, she just was there to get Classi's prescription.

"Uh, hello, we're picking up some medicine for a friend?" Cartman approached the counter.

"Oh is your friend looking for an energizing mental feeling, or more of a full body high…?"

"Uh…" Mia and Cartman exchanged a baffled glance. Mia could barely read the words on the prescription paper. "I don't know."

"Well I'll send over our expert budtender who can help you out!"

Mia sighed. "Come  _on_  it's just on the piece of pape-"

Mia really felt like she should stop being surprised by things in South Park. Surely, all it had thrown at her was its strangest and weirdest. Surely it couldn't throw worse her way.

And yet, here she was in a pot store, looking up at a walking talking towel.

She decided to just stop talking.

"You wanna get high? Oh! Hey Eric!"

Cartman seemed mildly surprised. "Oh, wow! Towelie! Thought you went to rehab…"

"I did, but now I'm back in South Park… Clean and sober almost a year. Clean and sober, no drugs at all." The towel smiled lightly, but there was a hint of mania in his eyes. "And I tell you what…  _I don't miss it!_ " There was a strain in his voice. Clearly Towelie was not the most stable individual.

"And you work here in a pot store…" Even Cartman seemed to sense the irony there.

" _Cannabis_  Eric. And yeah, it's great." Towelie's crazed look vanished, back to the light friendliness. "Now I get high helping people cure their insomnia, migraines, back pains and stress... naturally." He began rambling about the various benefits of cannabis for a moment, and Cartman indulged him, seeming to be on eggshells around the towel for some reason. He almost seemed about to suddenly snap at one point, the stress getting to him but Cartman managed to derail him from his rage.

"Okay, we're… we're here to pick up our friend's prescription, her name is Classi…"

Mia put the paper on the counter with the terrible handwriting. Towelie squinted at it, but nodded, seeing it was legitimate.

"Is that "Classy" with a "Y" with the clit hangin off it and lickin' the shit out of the "C"?"

"...No, uh, this is Classi with a dick hanging off of the "I" fucking the "L" out of the "A-S-S"."

"Ohhhh, that Classi… Yeah she likes the Banana Kush for her back pains and some of the platinum OG to- wait, what the fuck?! WHO PUT THE CHILLAX CUSH IN WITH THE OG MELLOWBLISS?! WHAT THE FUCK, YOU RETARDS!"

Mia and Cartman began backing away slightly.

"PEOPLE DON'T WANNA MIX THEIR MELLOW WITH THEIR CHILL! THEY'LL GET ALL FUCKED UP! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!"

"Whoa, Towelie! Hey-hey, it's cool, relax!"

"NO IT IS NOT FUCKIN COOL!" Towelie screeched, fingers wrapping around a knife and scratching it deep into the counter. "FUCK YOU! YOU RELAX! YOU'RE A TOWEL!"

"Oh shit." Mia squeaked despairingly.

* * *

Eventually, after burning a good amount of Towelie's stock, the Towel calmed down, breathing slowly. He quietly approached, handing over a small tube.

"Now this is for Classi… I threw in a few hash nuggets and some Granddaddy Purple Shatter on the house… come by anytime for a hookup…"

"Great, let's never do this again." Mia mumbled, covering her mouth and nose with her shirt as she practically fled.

* * *

Classi rapidly rolled up some of the weed into a joint and light it, taking a deep drag. She sat for a moment, her eyes lidded, voice calmer.

"All right, all right, that's much fuckin' better… All right listen. The place y'all need to go is the U-Stor-It. That where they're takin the cats, you get what I'm sayin'?"

"Huh, I almost expected to be sent through another hoop. Neat." Mia rubbed her head.

"Coon!" Fastpass opened his phone. "Fastpass here. The New Kid got the intel f-from Classi!"

"Not bad! What have you got?"

"It's the U-Stor-It!"

"The U-Stor-It… We should have known. Keep Classi safe! I'll get back to you soon."

"Roger that, Fastpass- Fastpass o-ou… Fastpass… Fa-fastpass-"

Mia heard a click.

"F-f-fastpass… Fastpass out!"

* * *

Mia jumped at a sudden siren. Did she do something wrong? Had she jaywalked or something? Slowly, an old cop car pulled up alongside her.

"Hey, kid! You're that farting vigilante from the news right?"

"...No." Mia lied deadpan. "I'm just a lil' kid playing superheroes…"

"Dang." The cop shook his head, falling for the lie instantly. "Well we know it's a kid. Might be your age. If you see him, our sargent wants to have a few words with them at the station. Let him know, okay?"

Mia nodded, having no interest in this whatsoever. She wasn't going to the police station.

The policeman gave her a lighthearted nod in return, starting the engine back up. "Enjoy your little games kid." And with that, he sped off.

"...Moron." Mia chuckled to herself.

* * *

Next stop while waiting for Coon to fully plan out their assault on the U-Stor-It: Tweek Bros. Coffee.

"Alright, listen…" Craig crossed his arms, glowering a bit. "I have this ex-friend who I hate now, and he still has my goddamn laptop. Go get it from him and tell him if he doesn't let you have it then I'm calling the fucking cops." He shoved a note into her hands. "It's Tweek. Give him this."

Mia sighed, taking the note and heading inside. Tweek was in the back as usual. And as usual, he was freaking out. Kind of. He kept taking little sips of coffee, only to suddenly let out a tiny scream, and then take another sip.

"...uh. Tweek? Got a note thing, for you…" Mia mumbled, keeping her voice low and calm so as not to startle the boy.

"How are those taste tests coming son?" She heard Mr. Tweak call.

"I CAN'T EVEN TASTE A DIFFERENCE ANYMORE!" Tweek screeched.

"Well keep sampling. We need the perfect sunset blend."

Mia winced. That coffee couldn't be helping the poor kid. She silently held the note out for him.

Tweek sighed, but took the note, grateful for a distraction. "...What's this? "Give me my fucking laptop."" His eyes narrowed instantly. "Oh! You work for  _him_ huh?!" He looked ready for a fight, but restrained himself.

"...just the messenger." Mia grumbled. "Don't shoot me."

"Well, you can tell him he can have his fucking laptop back when I get my fucking guinea pig back!" He shoved a receipt into her hands, shuddering as he did. "We bought it when we were together but Stripe is  _mine!_ "

Mia sighed. "Fine, fine. I'll tell him." She paused, noticing Tweek beginning to lose color. "...Take a breath, Tweek." She advised gently. The boy twitched, then opened his mouth and sucked in a huge lungful of air.

Mia stomped outside, wordlessly showing Craig the receipt Tweek had given her.

"What did Tweek say about my laptop- Wh- The fucking guinea pig? Uggh…" He pinched his brow. "...Fine… Can you go get him, New Kid?"

Mia nodded. "Sure…"

"When you give Stipe to Tweek, you tell him that when you  _walk out on someone_  you don't get to make the rules anymore."

 _Eesh. That must have been a nasty breakup._ Mia thought.

* * *

Mia returned, cradling Stripe gently but firmly. She couldn't resist cuddling the little animal a bit. She'd had a hamster before, but he was kind of a dick. Guinea pigs were nicer. She thought that if she wasn't allowed to keep the cat she'd found (She was thinking "Herman" or "Lucas"), then she might get a guinea pig instead.

"Here." She gently handed the small puff to Tweek, who cradled him just as delicately.

"So he finally decided to be reasonable huh? Fine."

Tweek's ordinarily twitchy and shaky hands were oddly calm as soon as Stripe was tucked in them.

"Here's his stupid laptop." He took the device and handed it to Mia before silently leaving. Before Mia could exit, however, Mr. Tweak stopped her.

"Hey, New Kid, right?" He knelt, voice a bit conspiratorial. "Listen, I see you're being a help for my son and his boyfriend… I was wondering if you might be interested in helping get them back together."

Mia raised an eyebrow. "...I'm game if you have a  _reasonable_  plan."

"I so appreciate it. Having a gay son is really good for the coffee business."

"I… really hope that's not your only reason for helping them..." Mia pinched her brow. Mr. Tweak ignored her.

"I think all they need is a little relationship counseling. Maybe together we can both help them out, huh?"

Mia blinked. While he was doing it for the wrong reasons, Mr. Tweak _did_  seem to be trying to help his son...

"...Alright. Dunno if Craig'll be up for it. He seems… kinda stubborn."

* * *

"...Tell him there's no way I'll go to counseling unless  _you_ go too. I need a support team."

"Eh? _Me?_ "

Craig shifted uncomfortably. He seemed unusually vulnerable. "You're pretty reliable New Kid. And you're not a dick. And I don't have many other options."

"Okay, fair. I mean, everyone else I can think of is kinda biased." Mia rubbed her head. "...Okay. I think maybe Tweek'll accept that."

* * *

"...Fine, I'll do it! As long as you're there! You seem to be able to get him to think rationally."

"That was literally the same thing Craig suggested." Mia deadpanned. "I mean not verbatim, and for slightly different reasons but fine. S'tomorrow afternoon, yeah? I'll be like a mediator."

"...F-fine!" Tweek twitched and tugged at a tuft of hair. "Good!"

* * *

Mia was getting far too used to heading to school after it was over. Still, Mr. Mackey wasn't the worst adult in town. Bumbling, but he meant well enough.

"Is the gender you were assigned with at birth the gender you currently identify with?" He read. Mia nodded.

"Yes, female. Cisgendered."

He nodded, examining the paper. "Mmkay, so same as last time. Now, how would you describe the sex of the kinds of people you find yourself uh, attracted to?"

She shifted awkwardly, feeling a bit less comfortable with this topic than the previous one. "Girls" She admitted.

Surprisingly, unlike he had earlier when she admitted to being a girl, Mr. Mackey didn't even seem to blink at hearing that. "Mmkay, s-so you're a homosexual then, that's okay New Kid. I'm sure you can find another girl to be a lesbian with you... Mmkay..."

Mia cracked a weak grin. "Not a lotta people in this town seem to care about that stuff. S'kind of a nice change from... some places I vaguely remember."

Mr. Mackey nodded. "Mmkay, yeah, we're a lot more accepting here than we used to be, mmkay? Just be careful out there, cause- cause there's a lot of people who  _won't_ accept you for who you are, mmkay?"

"Thanks, Mr. Mackey." Mia shook her head, smiling tiredly. "And uh… Confidentiality?"

Mr. Mackey nodded rapidly. Apparently, her words, and the principal's had suitably chastened him from last time.

When Mia made it outside, a familiar shitty car rapidly rolled up.

"Hey! It's that girl!"

"Yeah, they're cisgendered!"

"And she's homosexual too!"

Mia didn't know how these idiots kept figuring this shit out. She sort of wondered if one of them sat outside the window and listened just so they could harass kids.

"We don't take kindly to your types around here!"

"Let's welcome this  _thing_ to our town!"

Mia casually stood with her heel grinding into one of the redneck's face, speaking in a casual tone.

"And the next time you decide to fuck with someone, make sure they can't break every bone in your idiot hillbilly body, got that, you stupid fuckass?" She lectured, punctuating the sentence with a twist of her feet. "Next time, I'll make a necklace outta your teeth! If even have enough... Got it?!"

The redneck just whined.

"That sounds like a yes to me!" Mia cheerily wandered off, waving as if she hadn't just beaten the idiots to a burned, battered pulp.

* * *

Mia got sent to the Microbrewery by Super Craig. And the first thing she saw was a crazed man in sunglasses beating down two guys for what was basically a misunderstanding. If Mia wasn't already worn out from beating down rednecks, she'd probably at least have tried to fight the man out of sheer distaste for his utterly nonsensical grasp of "Social Justice" but…

"You!" She jerked, startled. "You're the new kid right?!"

Mia nodded, warily. The man calmed a little, shifting to face her fully. "I'm the principal of your school my name is PC Principal. I was told you want to talk to me about some race issues."

Ah. That part of her sheet.

"Actually before we do can I ask a question that is related to race but not mine specifically?" Mia asked, choosing her words very carefully.

"All right. Come at me."

"Okay, I'll try to word this right… is it offensive to refer to a person as being "Black"?"

PC Principal stroked his chin. "That is a complex and difficult question. Generally speaking, it is not considered offensive, however it is important to ensure that you have that person's consent to use that term to refer to them as they may identify as a race that many people may perceive to have a lighter skin tone."

"Whoa." Mia blinked. That was more extensive than she expected. Okay, so maybe he could be reasonable sometimes. "...Thank you? I think? I was wondering because there was a person on TV who kept sort of dancing around it. Also wanted to see how serious you were."

Well mostly to see if he'd be able to calmly explain a point in a level manner without attacking her, but she wasn't gonna tell  _him_ that.

"Anything to create more social justice." He nodded. "Now, it's time for you to learn about Microaggressions!"

 _Oh geez._ Mia sighed, flicking her ponytail back. "...Okay? Not sure how this works but I'll try?"

She was mostly going along with it because this guy was… kind of scaring her.

* * *

Mia didn't really like PC Principal, but she kind of understood what he was  _trying_ to do. But he was also just… kind of an idiot. And undermining his own efforts by attacking people physically like that.

She was also kind of scared shitless of trying to explain why that was to him.

Still, next stop: Back at the Coon Lair. Time to see how they could get to the U-Stor-It.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to cut it there because this was getting stupidly long. Anyway, next time: We learn Mia's race/ethnicity, we experience Civil War part 2, and a plan is hatched!
> 
> And parents fight.
> 
> Hoo...hooray...
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment!
> 
> Goodnight Everybody.


	11. Civil War 2 (And Other Things)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a little while longer, but anyway, hope you like it.

"No, no, no, we can't do the Super Craig movie before the Human Kite Netflix series guys! That doesn't make any sense!"

"Well, w-what about introducing Super Craig in the second Coon and Friends movie?"

"...Nnn…" Cartman frowned. "That'd be pretty DC comics of us… I wouldn't recommend it…"

"What'd I miss?" Mia raised a brow as she slid down the banister into the basement, only to hit the support that lead to the ceiling and fell off, tumbling onto her face. "...I meant to do that!"

Coon snickered, but shook it off. "ButtLord! Please, have a seat. Can I have a moment with him please?"

The others, confused, shrugged and left.

Mia dragged herself over to the seat, uttering a subtle string of curses. "That sucked. Whatcha want?"

"ButtLord, I just wanted to let you know that we've decided to let you have your own Netflix series. After the Fastpass Fox miniseries and the third Coon and Friends United movie. Congratulations."

"I'm surprised you think I'm even  _that_ marketable." Mia deadpanned. "Whoo, I shoot fire and throw glitter…" Her eyes widened. "Ah fuck, am I like a shitty combination of Human Torch and- and- and that chick from X-men, Jubilee?"

Coon pursed his lips softly, but didn't say anything.

"Yes, I'm aware my powers are lamer than Jubilee's. Fuck off."

"Okay, well, get out there and finish your goals, just… wanted to tell you the exciting news."

Mia rubbed her brow. "What goals do I even have right now? I've been getting selfies and followers with like, every person I meet…"

"Uh…"

"Don't mind me, just reeling over the fact that even dual-classing I'm still trash."

"You have fucking time-fart powers dude. That is like overpowered as shit." Coon crossed his arms. "There's nothing left to talk about."

"..."

"Don't look at me like that." Coon shifted uncomfortably. Mia's blank stare was incredibly unsettling.

"Oh no, no-no-no." Coon squirmed. "Nobody gets to be three classes at-!" He sighed, realizing that she wasn't stopping. "Fine. If you were gonna add another class, what would it be?"

* * *

Blaster/Psychic/Elementalist worked for Mia. It fit the archetype she was going for, anyway. She was honestly surprised she got away with triple-classing, but hey, she wasn't gonna press her current luck further.

Plus, having more protection in the form of healing powers was kind of nice. As she left Coons house, she got a call from Fastpass.

"New Kid! Get to the playground, one of the Freedom Pals is calling us out!"

"Oh, with them again? Okay, okay… I guess now I technically have a stake in this- kind of…"

* * *

"You sure one of the Freedom Pals wants to  _meet_ with us?"

"Yeah, his text said it was very urgent."

"Does this feel weird?" Mia wrung her hands a bit. "This feels weird right? Like, this is _weird._ "

"Why would the Freedom Pals want to talk to  _us_?" Coon glanced about, baffled.

"Unless… this is some kind of trap." Kyle also looked around, but more worried.

"That  _would_ fit in with my luck the past few days." Mia muttered, toying with her hair a bit.

"Relax Coon Friends…"

Mia's head snapped up. It was Stan. Except he wasn't wearing his usual hat and he had on some safety glasses and a tool belt.

"I didn't come to fight."

"Hello Toolshed…" Cartman stepped forward, fist on his hip. "Long time no see."

Kyle glanced at Mia, who raised an eyebrow.

"Toolshed is a gadgeteer class visionary archetype."

"He's also a butt-fucking traitor." Coon muttered.

"Just listen to me. I understand that the New Kid helped take my dad's keys last night." Stan stared down at Mia, who shuffled awkwardly. "New Kid, I don't know why you were looking out for my dad, but I owe you one."

Mia cracked a grin. "Uh… Thanks? Honestly it was also Captain Diabetes and me but…"

Stan tilted his head, seeming mildly surprised by the admission, but waved it off. "Look, that's all I came to say. You might be in the wrong franchise, but if you ever need help, I'll return the favor."

"Neat." Mia mumbled.

" _HA! HAHA! Ohh!"_  Coon cackled. "You think the New Kid fucking cares about you?!"

Mia backhand-slapped Cartman across the face. "Stop speaking for me, fuckass!"

Coon cringed, hissing angrily and rubbed his cheek, but let it slide, mostly so that he could mock Toolshed some more. "You belong to a loser, zero-income franchise that's run by a douchebag in a wheelchair!"

"Coon, you're literally making yourself look worse and worse." Mia muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.

" _At least he's not a fat little phone stealer…_ "

"Oh not him again..."

"TIMMEH!"

* * *

Civil War part 2 began. This time, Mia got the feeling it was gonna be harder. Sure, Wonder Tweek wasn't there this time, but Dr. Timothy and of course Toolshed were there.

"We need to take Timmy out! Like, fast!" Fastpass warned, leaning on his crutches, shifting from side to side.

Coon advanced at one side, and Fastpass at another. Kite stayed back, but was ready with a shield a heal or a laser for whoever needed one.

"Timmy, Timmy!"

Oh jeez. A handful of little kindergartners suddenly wandered up with violence in their little eyes. This was getting weird and complicated. Coon dove straight for Timmy, managing to slice him slightly with his claws before he vanished, appearing out of Coon's reach.

And right within Mia's. She sighed. "Sorry!" She called upbeat, as she planted a hand against the ground, causing the earth to erupt beneath Timothy's wheels in a nasty Sand Trap. The Doctor vanished again, appearing behind a line of the smaller kids, who rushed forward with their wild flailing slaps.

Mia retreated, but was kicked forward by Mysterion and Tupperware, as well as Toolshed who… shot screwdrivers at her. That- that hurt. And she probably should have expected them.

"Ow ow ow, fuck all y'all!" She cursed, shifting to adjust herself. She took a deep breath and exhaled, cold winds flowing from her hands- She focused on Tupperware- and-

_Crack._

One temporary ice prison. Mysterion glanced at his Chilled friend, turning back to glare at Mia. Shit. He was gonna-

A purple tendril lashed out and yanked her into him, right into his fist.

"Ow!"

"You're dying out there." There was suddenly a rush of air, and Mia was ten feet from where she had been, and she felt… better?

Fastpass. He'd healed her. She cracked her shoulders, fireballs swirling around her hands. She was just a little peeved, yes…

"I forecast light showers with high chances of  _lasers and burning!_ " Kite shouted. There was a huge rush of lasers, flames, and a loud energy noise. Mia covered her eyes as her surroundings were brilliantly illuminated. Toolshed, Tupperware and Mysterion were all blasted with lasers. And a kindergartner who strayed too close, but Mia was too worried about the other kids to pay them too much mind.

Mysterion pushed himself slowly to his feet first, wincing. Tupperware was still down, and Toolshed was trying to stamp out the fire that had sprouted from his pants.

Mia suddenly uttered a strangled yelp- everything was spinning and looking funny. She didn't know who was who or what was going on. Timmy had scrambled her senses. She was hearing colors and seeing smells and tasting sounds and- It really was just really goddamn unpleasant and she had no idea what was going on. She flailed, lashing at anyone who came near, making it clear that it would be best to keep distant from her

Eventually her head cleared. Mysterion and Toolshed were down, somehow. She wasn't sure how. Her ears popped as Fastpass bolted past her, fist connecting with the Professor. Mia gripped her head.

"Ow, shit! Okay! I can see again!" Mia growled, quickly watching for where Professor Timothy would teleport to next. She saw the light phasing, and threw a fireball, so the first thing Timothy would be greeted by was a burst of flame. Timmy was nearly knocked from his chair. Mia would have probably helped him back in if he had been- she wasn't  _that_ much of a bitch. Still, seems like the fight was over.

* * *

"OH YEAH! OH  _YEAH!_ " Coon pumped his fist into the air. "That is  _twice_ we kicked your asses!"

"You guys are  _nothing_  without the New Kid and you know it!" Toolshed called, rubbing at a nasty bruise. "...New Kid, my offer stands. I still owe you one."

"Hmm." Mia ignored Coon's gloating, pondering over what had just gone down.

* * *

Mia realized that she actually had no idea what race and ethnicity she was. She sort of had an ambiguously brown-ish skin tone, which could pretty much mean anything- she was fairly sure, though not entirely, that her parents were both mixed race, so that was what she ended up putting on her Character Sheet. PC Principal seemed satisfied with that much, anyway.

The only thing that really mattered to him was that she fight for social justice, but he seemed hyper-focused on microaggressions.

Mia sighed, but avoided pointing this out to him, considering what had happened to that poor guy who had tried to defend his friend.

Man, PC Principal needed some counseling.

* * *

"There you are! Jesus. Took you long enough. Have a seat ButtLord."

Mia blinked.

"How th' hell am I always last? Don't answer that." She sat down, leaning on the table. "Anyway, we already know where th' cats are now, right? U-Stor-It."

Coon nodded. "We need to infiltrate it  _tonight_."

"It can't be done." Mosquito looked down unhappily. "The U-Stor-It entrance is  _all_  lava."

"The  _whole thing_ is fuckin' lava?!  _Shit!_  There has  _got_  to be a way to get past it."

"...There is… Toolshed." Kite offered, tipping his head up.

"Toolshed?! What's that donkey-fucker got to do with anything?"

"He's got a device that clears lava, remember? It's one of his super powers."

"Hey…" Fastpass's eyes lit up. "And he  _did_ say he owes the New Kid a favor…"

All eyes turned to Mia. She sighed. "...I guess I can text him. Send him a message and say I need his help to investigate U-Stor-It. You guys can just like, show up there and I'll have him meet me at home."

"...Well, looks like you're coming in handy once again Buttlord." Coon mused. He was about to lean his head on the palm his hand, but paused, remembering his claws and shifted to lean it on the back of his hand instead. "Everyone, go home and wait until bed. We meet at the U-Stor-It tonight!"

"To bed everybody!" Mosquito crowed, nearly falling out of his seat.

"Huzzah." Mia deadpanned, pushing out of her seat.

* * *

When Mia came home, she could hear muffled shouting upstairs, and she felt her blood run cold. They sounded… a lot angrier tonight. Maybe she could wait it out. There was dinner on the table. She sat, trying to drown out the sounds of shouting from upstairs, but…

She sighed. At least she managed to get a few more bites than she did last night. The shouting still wasn't quieting down though. Reluctantly, she began to creep upstairs, hoping that maybe her presence would stop them from fighting.

"Why would you tell the school principal anything about us?!" Her dad was yelling, clawing at his hair in frustration. Mia had to admit- her mom was a smaller woman, but she was boldly standing her ground.

"I  _didn't_ tell him, our  _child_ did!" She snapped, fingers curled into fists.

"But you  _confirmed_ it when the principal called you! How long until they find out everything?!"

"Our little girl is confused, don't you get it?" Mia's mother took Mia's father by the shoulders, staring at him urgently. Mia felt torn between the urge to come over the stairs and yell at them, or to just flee outside.

"First, we pretended she was a girl, then we didn't tell her  _anything_ about her race, or anything about who she is, or  _anything!_ "

Her father pulled away from the grip, a momentary flash of guilt in his eyes, but it was replaced with anger and worry.

"Confusion was the point! The more our child learns about the truth, the more dangerous it becomes you stupid-!" He choked on his words at the sight of the top of Mia's head. Mia reluctantly climbed the last few steps, looking up at her parents. Her father's eyes lit up a bit, and again, there was that guilt-stricken look.

"H-hey, look who's here!" He said airily. "Been out playing, squirt? Ha ha…"

"Your dinner's on the table pumpkin… But then straight to bed! You have school tomorrow."

"Y-yeah, you do." Her dad and mom both laughed nervously, before fleeing to their room. But Mia could still hear them bickering.

"Don't even  _think_ about getting high right now!" Her mom snapped.

"Oh are you not gonna drink?" The reply was dripping with condescending sarcasm.

Mia opened her door and retreated into her room. Slowly, she shambled to her closet and tugged on some pajamas, before sitting on her bed, stomach churning. She rolled herself in blankets, wrapped up tight, eyes wide open.

There was silence at last, before her door creaked open and her father poked his head in.

"Hey, kiddo." He called to her gently. "Listen. I know that things might be hard for you right now, but… I just want you to know that me and your mother are both very proud of you." He took a deep, shuddery breath, forcing a big smile. "Night night, punk."

Mia watched him turn the lights out and close the door.

Mia waited until she heard his footsteps fade into his room, before uttering a strangled, frustrated sob.

* * *

"So, we meet again, New Kid…" Toolshed paused, a bit startled by Mia's utterly ragged state. "Dude, are you okay?"

"I'll be fine." She shook her head, looking away. "But um. Anyway. I need your help."

Stan nodded, sliding back into character. "I have to put our petty differences aside. There's something happening to this city and it needs Toolshed." He glanced about. "We'll have to be careful. The U-Stor-It is home to some dangers- and the lair of Professor Chaos…"

Stan took the lead. Mia followed, spirits already lifted. Nothing like nighttime crime fighting to temporarily push her problems away in the desperate hope that they would solve themselves. At this point, Mia doubted her parents would believe her if she said the Government didn't care about her anymore.

All she could do was try and fix what problems she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And chapter end. Tis a bit shorter. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this little part of Mia's adventure.
> 
> Anyway, leave a review. I'd appreciate it.
> 
> Goodnight everybody.


	12. The Chaos Insurgency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for a little... CHAOS!
> 
> Anyway, another kinda long one here. Hope you enjoy.

Mia didn't listen too well to Stan rambling about his backstory- it was pretty straightforward honestly. Power tools, lightning strike, Randy being left mentally impaired. Okay, she had to crack a little grin at that point. Although the grin faded into a look of annoyed disbelief to find Randy keying his wife's car  _again,_ but luckily Mrs. Marsh managed to yell him back inside.

"But this is different. My dad's acting even stupider than ever before." Toolshed's brow furrowed.

"Yeah, he- he was acting pretty on top of stuff a few weeks ago, back during the whole… Stick of Truth stuff. S' he okay?"

Stan gave an honest shrug, and the pair continued down the streets

They were a lot more crowded than usual. More drunk and disorderly people milling about yards and wandering on the road.

Mia and Toolshed kept to the side streets to avoid the small crowds, heading towards the tracks. The old SoDoSoPa ruins were there, along with Kenny's somewhat ramshackle home. Toolshed continued talking about backstories.

"What is your backstory? Did something happen with your parents too?"

"We're workshopping it." Mia sighed. "Coon's idea is… too stupid to bear repeating."

Toolshed snorted, but decided to play along. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, it must be very painful."

"Painfully  _stupid._ " Mia grumbled, as Toolshed pulled some boards, shifting them about so that they could fit through the window.

"This is the home of Mysterion. He has a shortcut to the north part of town."

"Neat." Mia mumbled, carefully maneuvering in case there was any broken glass.

She could hear the McCormick's yelling at each other. At first, Mia cringed, but then the sounds of fighting turned into… affection?

Kenny's family was kind of messed up? But at least they seemed to care about each other... She couldn't say. She'd never met his parents. Although Mia  _had_  met his little sister- she was a good kid.

Stan pushed into Mysterion's room, leading Mia to the closet and revealing a button. He pressed it, and a secret panel slid open.

"...Yeah, okay, that's pretty damn cool." Mia admitted as the pair squeezed through.

"Now I can show you Toolshed's mightiest tool! The sandblaster! Hook it up to an air compressor and it can clear almost  _any_  obstacle!" He hooked it up, aiming it at the lava. Mia nodded, and flipped the switch.

With a hum and a sudden powerful rush of air, the lava was blown aside, and the path cleared. Mia cracked a toothy grin.

"Cool."

* * *

It was a brisk walk through the backyard and through some homeless camp full of jerks, but they made it to the U-Stor-It. Mia didn't discriminate who she beat up- if you were a dick or trying to beat her up, you were fair game regardless of circumstance.

They approached the tall, barbed-wire crowned fence, approaching the entrance. Almost as soon as they entered the light, a large figure dropped atop a car.

"They're here! Coon Friends assemble!" The coon barked. Mia had to admit, she'd never thought Cartman could be so agile, but… there he was.

Mia blinked. Everyone showed up. Coon, Human Kite, Super Craig, Mosquito and Captain Diabetes… Fastpass was probably there too, just too fast to notice.

"Hey, whoa, whoa, nuh-uh!" Toolshed glared. "I said I'd help the New Kid, not you losers!"

Mia sighed and pinched her brow.

"Yeah well the New Kid is a Coon Friend and Coon Friends work together douche!"

"Come on, we need to get inside this fence." Super Craig sounded about as  _done with this shit_ as he always did.

"Yeah Toolshed, that's what the New Kid wants!" Oh there was Fastpass. Man he really was fast, Mia hadn't even seen him run up to them.

"I just want to find out what's here and beat up any bad guys who might be here." Mia said dryly. "I don't really care about whatever stupid squabble you guys all have."

There was an awkward silence.

"Oh wait, not really giving a fuck is Craig's thing usually. Well I do give a fuck in general, just not about that specific thing. I only moved in a couple weeks ago, 'member?"

"Whatever." Tooshed sighed. " _Fine_." He shoved past Cartman to the air compressor, hooking up his sandblaster. "As long as there's a power generator and an air compressor, I can use my dad's sandblaster to clear almost  _any_ obstacle."

"Wow! That is f-faan… fantastic!" Fastpass bobbed his head rapidly. With a sudden burst of air, Toolshed blasted away the lava, clearing the path.

"Cool." Mia deadpanned again, walking in front.

"Coon and Friends, let's go!"

* * *

While searching for cats, or really for any sort of sign of catnapping, Mia's foot landed on something that made a strange crinkling sound. She paused, kneeling. It was… a mask? Or a shape of some kind, anyway, made of tinfoil, placed on a small red "x".

"What'cha find?" Mia glanced up at Toolshed, shrugging, before suddenly the large electronic gates clanged shut.

"What-?" Mia turned, then back again as strings of fairy lights suddenly illuminated the main billboard for the U-Stor-It. Except it had been vandalized, black spray paint blocking out the words.

"CHAOS" was scrawled across. More lights burst on, the same word spelled out on the walls. Blacklight illuminated paint that again simply read "CHAOS". Slowly, the small group backed together, looking around warily.

"...The fuck?" Coon whispered, genuinely baffled.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAH!" A large plasma screen. How had they not seen them? They were placed all over. "Hello Coon Friends!"

...Butters? Yeah, that was Butters alright. Only he was wearing a kind of Tinfoil helmet, and had a cape.

"Coon  _and_ Friends." Cartman corrected, a bit flustered.

"Coon, you literally just called us "Coon Friends" like two minutes ago." Mia grumbled.

"Come into my parlour!" Butters had a manic smile and a surprisingly good evil stare. "I've bought more tinfoil and more minions than you can possibly fathom! I've been given  _twenty thousand dollars_ to keep nosy people away from this place!"

Ho

Lee

Shit.

Who the hell had given Butters  _twenty grand?_

"What?!" Cartman sounded just as surprised.

"Twenty thousand just to keep people from snooping around… But I only need a few hundred for that."

Mia had seen Butters like this before. During the Stick of Truth, and when they battled against Princess Kenny. It was like his evil alter ego.

It was of course, Professor Chaos.

"So you know what I'm gonna do with all the rest?"

"Go to Paris and get a penile enhancement and fuck french chicks?"

Nobody seemed to expect that.

"Super Craig…" Cartman sighed reproachfully, grinding a knuckle against his own temple.

Chaos managed to roll with it pretty well. "WRONG! I'm gonna destroy this town and prove that I'm the bad guy! Not this new kingpin jerkhead! So long, Coon Friends!"

A garage door slid open and a few dozen hamsters in hamster balls rolled out. They shifted forward…

And naturally began harmlessly bumping into things.

"...Minions?" Butters pouted a little, his true personality showing through for a moment. The little hamsters continued wandering about. "...No minions you gotta kill em!"

Naturally, the hamsters continued ignoring him and kept exploring.

"...Aw, dang it."

* * *

"Well I gotta say, the hamster minions aside-" Mia shoved some boxes out of the way so she could clamber between the storage buildings. "You gotta admire his presentation." She glanced over Butter's work. Halloween decorations, mixed with tinfoil structures and strings of lights. It was very bizarre and didn't really have any constructive theme behind it, but then, that's Chaos.

"I seeeee you!" Butter's face suddenly came on screen, smiling deviously. "You didn't think I wouldn't have a backup plan, did you? Do you not comprehend how many minions twenty thousand dollars can buy?"

"Butters, will you just go home?!" Kyle shouted, frustrated. "We're trying to find a missing cat."

"I don't think so, Coon Friends!"

"Butters, actually, if somebody gave you a bunch of money, by law that money belongs to our franchise! All of us."

Mia shot Coon a look. "...Coon, he's a  _villain._  Why the  _fuck_  would he follow a law?"

Coon opened his mouth to argue, but Professor Chaos cut him off.

"You see… More cash means… more minions! Let's see how you handle this!"

Suddenly, from the rooftops and from within the storage buildings, swarms of the Professor's followers emerged, wild-eyed and violent. Some of them even had dogs with tinfoil "armor" on.

"Awh, man." Mia sighed. "Here we go…"

* * *

Mia surveyed the damage. A handful of unconscious or groaning Chaos kids, some spanish-speaking guys and some whimpering dogs who seemed a lot friendlier now that they didn't have Chaos kids egging them to bite. Toolshed gently patted one on the head and it meekly licked his hand before returning to a little dog pen.

"Man, Butters seems almost dangerous with someone paying him enough." Mia noted, brow raised. "...Kinda impressed. Not gonna lie."

"Yeah dude." Stan nodded, equally impressed. "This place is a little corny but it definitely works for an evil villain lair."

The group continued on their way, Coon Friends and Toolshed maneuvering over boxes and around the weird tinfoil structures scattered everywhere.

Super Craig paused, staring at a large truck covered in foil.

"Why would Chaos want to cover an entire truck in aluminum foil?"

"He's called Professor  _Chaos_. I don't think he needs a reason." Mia shrugged. A sudden voice from above made her jump.

"That's not the problem!"

Heads swiveled up to see a very pink figure on top of one of the buildings. It was Call Girl.

"Is aluminum foil really what you guys are concerned with?"

"Not really, it's just kinda all over this place." Mia uttered deadpan.

"Who the fuck is that?" Coon sneered and Mia resisted the urge to smack him.

Call Girl utterly ignored him, gaze locked on Mia. "We were right about the italian restaurant New Kid. The owner is a part of a new crime syndicate."

"Yeah. Sounds like they've got a bunch of sixth graders- that towel guy said- and now Butters working for him too." Mia glanced around. "He had  _twenty k_ to burn on hiring him to keep people outta here."

Coon looked somewhat miffed at being ignored and repeated himself louder. "Who. The fuck. Is that?!"

"I have no idea." Toolshed sighed, playing along so that Cartman wouldn't start doing that angry screechy yell thing he did when frustrated.

"Well she's not in the union! Excuse me are you on Coonstagram?!"

"Someone new in town is bringing all the crime families together."

Coon uttered a frustrated noise at being ignored  _again_  and Mia bit back a laugh. She could see Human Kite struggling not to laugh his ass off too. Really everyone was holding back amusement at Cartman's temporarily impotent rage.

"Ok, cool, thank you, bye." He managed to seethe, rage replaced with weary irritation.

"Y-you mean like a Kingpin?" Fastpass continued the trend of ignoring Cartman.

"You guys do not say anything, we're not playing with her!"

"Cartman," Mia sighed wearily. "If it fucking bothers you that much, quit whining like a little bitch and do something useful like looking for Scrambles _._ "

Cartman threw his hands up and stormed off, muttering and cursing as he turned away.

"Check out storage facility 56-D, New Kid. And here, take this." Call Girl removed one of her many phones, picking a specific one and tossing it to Mia. She barely managed to catch the phone, fumbling and managing to save it.

"Call me if you need me. I think you're gonna need all the help you can get."

There was a pause, as Call Girl vanished over the roof. Mia turned and began looking at the numbers on the buildings. Cartman was leaned against a wall, surveying the facilities.

"So, I guess any fucking  _asshole_  thinks they can be a superhero?"

"Fuck off, Coon." Mia deadpanned, as she searched for the right building.

* * *

"You guys see Scrambles in here?"

It wasn't the building Call Girl had indicated, but the path was blocked by Professor Chaos's various decorations and lava without an air compressor nearby. Suddenly, there was a hiss, and a slow clattering as lava began tumbling down. A low, ominous chuckle filled the room.

" _Will you stop fucking around Chaos?!"_  Coon shouted, frustrated.

"Not Professor Chaos. His partner in crime..."

They all turned to see a tiny red-haired boy, decked fully in tinfoil.

"General Disarray!"

* * *

Disarray was a surprisingly clever little opponent. He knew he was weaker than the Coon Friends, so he kept his distance, using the Chaos minions Butters had hired as a human wall, while pelting the friends with lava from above. He was fast, too, darting between them and repositioning himself whenever he felt cornered, but after some effort, he was subdued.

"I think that's the last of them!" Toolshed called over the sound of lava flooding the sides of the room.

"Don't count on it. We should make a- wait, Super Craig?!" Coon turned. Craig was trapped behind the lava, awkwardly looking down at it.

"Shit, there's no air compressor here, no way I can remove that lava!"

"Hang on Super Craig, we're gonna find something to plug Toolshed's Sandblaster into!"

"You and I both know I'm already dead."

It was really weird hearing him calmly accepting his impending death in that same nonplussed deadpan as always.

"No, Super Craig, we're gonna save you! Do something Toolshed!" Coon whipped about, scanning for an air compressor, or something.

"There's nothing here!" Toolshed looked around, wildly. "My sandblaster needs compressed air to work!"

Compressed… Air.

God. Fucking. Damn it.

* * *

"Jesus christ, that's your asshole?!" Mosquito squeaked as the air burst out of the sandblaster, blowing away the lava and knocking Craig on his ass.

"What- what happened?" Craig blinked, genuinely baffled.

"The new kid shoved a tube up his ass and cleared away the lava."

"Oh." He sounded sorry he'd asked.

"You guys go and get Chaos! I'm gonna try and stabilize Super Craig!" Cartman suddenly pulled out a syringe and jammed it right into Craig.

"OW! Fuck!"

"It's cool!"

"What the fuck?!" Mia blurted.

"What the fuck was that you asshole?!"

"It's an intracardiac injection Super Craig, I had to stabilize you!" Coon casually showed him the syringe.

"Are you fucking serious right now?!" Craig shouted. "You could have fucking killed me!"

"Jesus christ, Cartman." Mia pinched her brow.

"Where the fuck did you  _get_ that?!" Toolshed stared in disbelief.

"Online." Coon shrugged. "Super Craig just stay still, you've suffered a lot. You guys go ahead, I'm just gonna stabilize him."

Mia threw her hands up and turned away, growling "Oh my god, you stupid c-"

* * *

"I can hear cats."

Despite Coon's distaste for Call Girl, he had his ear pressed against the shutter door that she had indicated to them earlier, listening intently. Mia gave the handle a slow wiggle.

"It's unlocked." She muttered. "Everyone ready?"

The others nodded, tensing, before she threw the shutters upwards.

"Hey, what the fuck?!"

There were four men. They didn't look particularly healthy, and the chemicals all over the room didn't look especially safe either.

"Who is that?!"

"Oh my god! That's the vigilante!"

He would have to be more specific because there were actually a bunch of vigilantes right now. Cartman swaggered forward a bit.

"That's right! The Coon!"

"And some little fat kid too!"

Coon deflated a little, but undeterred, yanked out the wanted poster.

"This cat! Where is it?!"

Mia was a bit impressed by Cartman's determination, but she was hoping that he'd at least not whine if she took the time to free all the other cats in the drug lab.

"That's some real high-grade shit there." One of the men said, impressed. "Cat like that would go straight to the boss man himself!"

"You idiot!" Another screeched. "You don't talk about him! Now we gotta kill these shits."

The men spread out, fists and makeshift weapons at the ready. Shit. Meth heads were dangerous. Mia had seen that on TV, how people on Meth could do crazy shit just because their bodies were too drugged out to realize they shouldn't be functioning like that.

Mia, not wanting to get too close, attempted to kick one of the barrels towards them. The thing began rattling violently.

"Duck n' cover!" One of the addicts shouted. The barrel suddenly exploded violently, but luckily it was a fairly small blast and there wasn't too much shrapnel. Still, better to not do that again. Or maybe to do that more, but at a safer distance. That was too close for comfort.

"Looks like you could use some help!"

Call girl suddenly swept into the room, snapping out a selfie stick. Was she… using it like a fighting staff? She was. That was a pretty good use of a selfie stick. Nice.

"Watch it. This place is super unstable!" Mia shouted, as another small explosion rocked the room.

The meth heads seemed undeterred, and advanced towards them. Suddenly, one of their phones started beeping. The man paused, pulling it out, expression confused, then alarmed. And then his phone exploded.

"Oh! Jesus!" Mia jolted in surprise. "That was kick-fuckin'-ass!"

The men were being scattered- despite their drug-induced endurance and rage, they were outnumbered and the place was on fire and this was really just going downhill fast.

"We probably shouldn't be here." Craig noted, observing the blaze as he punched a man in the shins hard, knocking him down.

"All right, all right!" The man squealed, giving in, backing up. "It ain't us! The big man has all the crime families together! The italians, the russians, the sixth graders… they all work for  _him_."

Call Girl snapped her selfie stick aggressively. "Who's the big man?!"

"He don't even do it for the money!" The man's voice was shrill, his eyes utterly panicked. "It's like- like he wants more crime in the streets! We got to do this if they tell us! We're already dead for telling you!"

He began flailing, suddenly, sending chemicals crashing all over the place, spreading the fire more.

"Shit!" Mia squeaked, fleeing.

"Time to go fa-fast!" Fastpass squeaked, as they bolted from the flaming storage unit, the thing making a nasty creaking sound. The whole thing fell apart as flames gushed out into a small mushroom cloud.

"Everyone… everyone alive?" Mia asked finally, sitting up. Fastpass did a speedy headcount.

"Yep! Everyone got out."

"My butt was on fire for a second but it's okay now." Craig muttered, grimacing.

Mia tipped her head. "Holy shit, that just set off like all the car alarms in South Park."

"Aw man!" Coon giggled, somewhere between genuinely delighted and a bit freaked out that he'd nearly been killed in a fireball. "Kick ass!"

Call Girl sighed. "...Well, only one way now." She pointed at the largest storage door. There was red paint in front of it and a giant Chaos emblem on the door itself.

A cackle came from one of the speakers. "It's raining Chaos! You've come far, Coon Friends, but now you're trapped in my inner Sanctum!"

"Man, I never thought of Butters as the supervillain type." Mia mumbled.

"Oh man, he's been Professor Chaos pretty much since the beginning." Human Kite admitted. "I think it was 'cause we were being kinda dicks to him… So he made himself into the villain. And he was… mostly really bad at it."

"Well he sure as heck is doing a bang-up job of being a pain in our asses."

"Got the code." Call girl sighed. "...Oh, Butters…"

"What?" Mia raised her hand to the keypad.

"...Zero-One-Two-Three-Four-Five-Six-Seven."

"Ohhhh, Butters." Mia sighed.

* * *

"Dude, the fuck?!"

There were dozens of trucks. All covered in tinfoil. And all filled with lava.

"That- that's a fuckton of tucks. And lava. One metric fuckload."

"Oh my god, he's gonna declare the entire town lava." Coon stared in shock.

"Well well! You actually made it to the end Coon Friends!"

The group looked around, puzzled. There was no sign of Butters anywhere. Where the hell had he got to?

"And now you know you are too late!  _All_ of South Park is about to be covered in lava! Just think about it! Everywhere will be off-limits! Everyone will have to just  _stay where they are! It'll be absolute Chaos!"_

"Come out and fight like a man, Chaos!" Clyde shouted, indignantly.

Chaos's voice was closer and no longer projected like before. "Oh I am much more than a man now, Mosquito. I have finally got enough tinfoil to piece together my greatest weapon yet…"

Slowly, the Coon Friends turned around to face a huge tinfoil mecha. Made of Chaos Minions, too, but mostly tinfoil.

"Oh." Mia managed to squeak.

" _Greetings!"_  Professor Chaos grinned wickedly. "I'd like like you to meet…"

The mech slid forward, aggressively.

" _Mecha Minion Chaos Supreme!"_

"Es un trabajo…"

"Oh shit, bro." Toolshed mumbled.

Mia nodded weakly in silent agreement, her mouth going dry. That was… Yeah, okay, this thing was genuinely super impressive. This was gonna hurt.

* * *

Mia breathed heavily. She was really getting sick of dodging rockets. Butters had a surprising amount of ingenuity when he chose to really apply himself to something, and this robot was no exception. Still, its legs were beginning to shift- tinfoil can only hold up for so long under a rain of ass-kicking. Suddenly, it crumbled, legs shattering beneath the mecha. Several of the Chaos minions fled, having been frightened away.

"Aw, come back minions!" Butters pleaded, but sighed. "...W-well, okay fellas, this was a minor setback, but Chaos cannot be stopped so easily!"

"Man, really?" Stan groaned, slamming his drill into the ground. "Drillslinger!"

Mia grunted as she yanked a stray chunk of tinfoil from her face and tossed it aside. "Seriously? He's still going?!"

"We have to beat you up all over again?" Super Craig shrugged. "Okay."

* * *

Another crumble, this time, the Mecha's arms and second set of legs were broken from it. Well, the "second set of legs" were just a Chaos minion, but…

"I'm really glad we opted for three phases!" Professor Chaos grinned, perched safely in his cockpit, with a pair of dogs acting somewhat like battle mounts. Mia's ice and flame attacks weren't doing too much, and she couldn't seem to really confuse Chaos either with her glitter, forcing her to rely on her defensive bubbles and healing. Honestly, plain brute force was all that seemed to work on this thing.

The dogs suddenly leapt and spun, and Mia groaned, glad she was a distance from them.

"Jesus Christ Butters," Call Girl scowled. "This isn't france! You can't just let your dogs shit everywhere!"

"Oh don't worry, I have a cleanup crew booked for after."

Mia gritted her teeth. She needed to focus. Butter's mech was almost destroyed. It had been pelted with everything the Coon Friends could hurl at it. It just needed a good solid blow…

Before Mia could think up a plan, Captain Diabetes rushed in, headfirst, bubbled by Mia's shield, and crashed right through the mech, sending it to the floor, crumbling to bits. Professor Chaos uttered a cry as he tumbled from his shattered cockpit to the floor, landing hard.

"Whoa." Mia grinned. "Nice hit!"

The kids quickly surrounded Butters. Mia noted that Call Girl had vanished- probably got a text she needed to answer.

"Alright Chaos, talk! Who gave you the money to do this!" Toolshed growled. Chaos remained still.

"...Butters! Wake up!" Kyle shook him.

"I think he's dead dude."

Coon rolled his eyes. "He's not dead." He gave Butters a little kick and the boy grunted, startled awake partially.

"Uhn!"

"Uh, f-fellas, I think we better get him to base…" Fastpass suggested.

Coon hoisted Chaos to his feet. "Alright, we'll put him in a holding cell…"

"The Holding Cell?" Butters frowned warily. "Oh jeez, it's kind of late fellas. I should get home or I'm gonna be grounded."

"Butters, you just tried to kill us." Mia sighed, pinching her brow. "Or if not kill, at least maim or seriously injure…"

* * *

After an uncomfortable goodbye with Toolshed (she felt bad for Kyle. Seems like he still thought highly of Stan, despite whatever political differences had made them go to different franchises, and likewise), Everyone made it back to the Coon Lair, with Professor Chaos safely locked in a little doggy cage. It was actually a big doggy cage so it was a good cell for him.

"What if the person paying Butters wasn't a kid?"

"I-is that it Chaos? Were you paid by an adult?" Jimmy kept his tone light- clearly going for the "good cop" style of interrogation.

"I'm tellin' ya; I don't know his name fellas!  _Nobody_ does!" Butters flailed his arms a little. "He's just tryin to unite all the crime families in town!"

"Yeah, yeah, we heard that part already." Mia grumbled. "How about something we don't know?"

Butters clutched the bars of the cage, voice soft and earnest. "He- He's everywhere." He glanced about shiftily. "He's nameless. Faceless. He can change his appearance like the wind changes directions."

"Wait, what'd you say?" Coon stood, tilting his head. Mia watched this unfold, frowning. Something was weird about all this but she couldn't put her finger on it.

"He says there is a revolution coming and the darkness of our own hearts will bring about our undoing!"

"...oh my god…"

"...Whoa. Heavy." Mia muttered.

"He… is that which liberates and he knows the true weakness of tolerance, and his coming will bring about a tide of Chaos like nothing we've never seen, you betcha!"

Butters went quiet, taking several deep breaths.

"...There's only one person I know of who can disguise himself so easily… And it's the same person who  _might_ have a motive for tearing South Park apart…!"

"Who?!"

"...Mitch Conner."

"...Mitch Conner?!" Craig sounded annoyed.

"Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no,  _no._ " Kite groaned, pinching his brow.

"Who?" Mia frowned. Luckily, she wasn't the only one in the dark- Diabetes seemed just as utterly baffled.

"Who's Mitch Conner?"

"It's Cartman's dumbass hand puppet!" Kyle shouted, rage beginning to build in his eyes.

Mia slowly pressed her forehead into the table. God dammit, Cartman… She tuned him out mostly, until the end of his little rant.

"It couldn't be Mitch Conner. Conner died in an oil rig explosion in northern Alaska."

Kyle shoved backwards, his chair screeching against the floor. "...Fuck this. I'm going to bed."

"Yeah." Mia sighed. "I'm going home too actually. I gotta lock the door up so my parents don't get paranoid… More paranoid."

"Yes, yes, good idea. Everyone go home. It's getting late. Let's all meet tomorrow… after... School."

* * *

Mia slammed her face into her pillow once she'd snuck back home and re-locked the doors, snuggling into her bed. It was nice to be all cuddled in blankets like this. Even if they were no closer to solving this weird goddamn mess. She felt a bit bad that Professor Chaos had been locked inside Coon's basement, but he at least was allowed to have a blanket in there. And a little dog bed that happened to be the right size for him.

As it was, Mia's eyes were slowly fluttering shut. Tomorrow was another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. I keep writing and I'm not stopping. It's almost a problem. Anyway, Day 3 of TFBW starts next chapter... Man, I'm havin fun. Hope you are too.
> 
> Leave a comment please~!
> 
> Goodnight everybody.


	13. Plans Within Plans (Within Plans)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter. I'm tearing through this. Not a lot for me to say, but please enjoy. It's the longest yet, too...

First thing was first, eating breakfast. Her parents had gone to work early and left her a note. Which was fine, Mia would rather not see them in the same room right now. The day was pretty normal- pretty boring as far as South Park went. No aliens or wars, no threats of nuclear detonations… Just a day that could almost make South Park seem normal.

Mia was greeted by Wendy on the way out. "Hey New Kid!" She called in an upbeat friendly tone, like she usually did when having casual conversations with her. However, when she approached, as soon as anyone was out of earshot, Wendy's voice dropped low.

"That problem Call Girl told you about? It's about to get a  _lot_  worse. The Chamber of Commerce wants to get rid of the vigilante. Call Girl wants to meet you in the park bathrooms  _right away._ " Wendy perked up again, speaking as if nothing had happened. "See you around New Kid!"

Mia shrugged. She guessed she was going to the park before the Coon Lair.

* * *

Mia jumped as her phone vibrated, and a voice that almost sounded like Cartman's but not quite the same rang through, strange and tinny.

"Hello, New Kid." The voice said, nasal and calm.

"Uh… The hell's this?"

"We haven't been formally introduced. I'm Mr. Crime-Syndicate-Kingpin-Guy-"

"That's a dumb name. And this is coming from someone who goes by "Douchebag" and "ButtLord" on a regular basis."

There was a pause, and Mr. Crime-Syndicate-Kingpin-Guy coughed awkwardly.

"...And you are the one who's been farting on all my best people."

"Yeah… I also burn them. And punch them. And- nevermind."

"Are we really so different you and I?"

"Yes."

Another pause. Mia grinned to herself. Man she loved interrupting these dramatic speeches. "...We both want what's best for this city."

"Not really." Mia shrugged. "I just like punching jerks."

"I know you probably got places to be, but why not come talk to me instead?"

"You're already on the phone with me jackass. Just talk here."

"No, I don't think so. I'm at the old SoDoSoPa ruins… come on… what do the Coon Friends really have to offer you?"

Mia hung up.

* * *

"I think it's wrong they make cisgendered people share a bathroom." Call Girl rubbed the back of her head. Mia shrugged.

"I don't actually give a fuck what bathroom I use. If it actually bothers someone that I don't use the one marked for "cis" people, then they're missing the goddamn point."

Call Girl gave a weak nod.

"Also, I got a call from someone claiming to be the Kingpin guy. Wanted to meet me at SoDoSoPa."

"What?" Call Girl's head snapped up.

"Yeah. It's super obviously a trap but… hell, I'm probably gonna go there."

"Hmm." Call girl frowned. "I'd try and help but I've got a pretty big problem right now, New Kid."

"What's up?" Mia tilted her head.

"I'm like you. An outsider. I've been watching as adults act stranger and stranger, but no one will listen to me…"

Mia's eyes widened. "Wait a sec… Stan said his dad was acting… well uh "dumber" but… My parents were acting weird too. They're getting… a lot more aggressive and angrier with each other…"

"Even more confirmation... I've started trying to cross-reference everyone's Instagrams, to see if I could find a connection… And that's when it happened..." Wendy lowered her gaze for a moment, voice distraught. "Somebody… canceled my cellular data plan… My Phone… It's  _dead!_ "

Wendy sounded on the verge of tears. Mia blinked in shock.

"What?! How'd that happen?!"

"I don't know! Whoever did this  _has to pay._ " Her eyes went from nearly crying to burning with a frightening anger. Mia vaguely recalled a saying: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Well that went  _triple_ for "a woman who's phone was just murdered."

"I'm going to the mobile company to find what happened, but I can't go alone."

"I can come." Mia shrugged. "I have time to kill. And you know me! Always up for a fight if there is one!"

"Thanks, New Kid. I think you're the only one who understands." She dug something out. "Here! This bracelet was forged out of the bond of friendship. It'll give you strength."

Mia took it, examining it. "...Uh... Call Girl? I know you probably didn't think about this, but uh… maybe you should think twice before you give a gay chick a  _rainbow_ bracelet that says  _girlfriends_  on it."

Wendy did a double take.

"...Oh  _shit._  I-I didn't even think about that." She groaned, embarrassed.

Mia let out a cackle. "Don't worry too much about it. Honest mistake."

"I feel really dumb." Call Girl admitted, rubbing her forehead in embarrassment. Mia just laughed it off.

"Ahh, forget it. I'll let you live it down." She giggled a little. "Mostly."

* * *

They arrived at D-Mobile fairly hassle free. It was inside the store that the weirdness really began.

"WELCOME TO D-MOBILE, CAN I HELP YOU?"

" _CRAB PEOPLE, CRAB PEOPLE! Look like crab, work at mobile stores like people!"_

Mia's mouth awkwardly dropped half-open a bit.

Call Girl tried to play it cool. "Uh yeah, I'm having a lot of problems connecting to the internet…"

"YOUR NAME AND D-MOBILE NUMBER PLEASE!"

"YOUR NAME AND D-MOBILE NUMBER PLEASE!"

"Inside voices! Yeesh!" Mia scolded.

"Wait a minute, you aren't the people who worked here last week."

"THAT'S RIGHT, WE ARE CRAB PE-"

"SHH! WE ARE  _GLAD_ PEOPLE TO WORK AT THIS FINE PLACE! CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A NEW CONTRACT WITH UP TO 5 GIGABYTES OF DATA PER MONTH?"

"No, I just want my phone to work right…!"

"INSOLENCE! HOW DARE YOU SHUN OUR DATA PLAN!"

"Oh my god  _will you stop yelling, asshole?!"_  Mia snapped.

"I knew it! The phone company's been taken over by  _Crab People!"_  Call Girl glared, reaching for her selfie stick.

"Please tell me you didn't  _just_ realize that…"

"SHE'S ONTO US!"

"Call Girl! Save us!" Oh shit, the actual employees were tied up. Okay, time for a beatdown.

"Come on new kid, let's wipe the floor with them!"

"Ya like cooked crab?" Mia grinned, fireballs beginning to form in her hand.

"HA! FOOLISH HUMAN! YOUR FLAME SHALL NOT HALT US!"

"Not even if I use… this?" Mia held up a stick of butter.

"AAAAH! SHE'S A MONSTER!"

* * *

"I wasn't really gonna eat him." Mia admitted, after smashing the crab person unconscious against a wall.

"TASTE LIKE CRAB, KILL LIKE PEOPLE!" A second one shouted, suddenly snapping its claws into Mia's face.

"Ow, shit!" Mia backed away, nursing a nasty cut. "Oh geez…"

"That better be fucking clamato juice, New Kid!" Call Girl snapped her selfie stick against the Crab Person, knocking it over the head painfully, a worried tone in her voice.

"It's just some blood… Well… A fair amount of blood. My blood. I'll live."

"BEHOLD THE MIGHT OF OUR MANAGER!"

A huge crab emerged from the back room, with a staff in claw and wearing a crown. He was easily twice the size of the others, and looked far stronger.

"Ho boy." Mia sighed, then yelped as a pulse from the staff sent her and Call Girl flying.

"YOUR NAME AND D-MOBILE NUMBER PLEASE!"

" _SHUT-SHUT-SHUT-SHUT UP!"_ Mia roared, creating a quick bubble around herself and Call Girl, following it up with some water-dolphins to patch up the nasty scratches.

Something in Mia had snapped and she wasn't even sure why. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the stress of her parents fighting, but she was full of hate. She lunged right for the King Crab, pouncing on him and slamming fists and head into his face. It stung a bit, but mostly she felt the satisfying give of crab carapace past her fists.

"Is that your blood?" Call Girl blinked, worried. "Oh my god, Butthole!"

"Not… mine…" She heaved, grinning. King Crab definitely looked worse for wear, and reared back, slamming down to knock Mia away. She groaned and sat up. "Oof. That was stupid."

Call Girl's eyes narrowed. She picked up a phone from her belt.

"...Thank god, at least this one works… Time for a flash mob."

"A what?"

It only took a few button presses. Suddenly, a huge crowd stormed into D-Mobile. Call Girl yanked Mia to her feet, dragging her quickly behind the counter. The crowd trampled about, flooding the store, and as soon as they were there, they had vanished.

"Holy shit!" Mia squeaked. King Crab lay in a heap, having been trampled by oblivious idiots.

"I must… D-chat… Mr. Conner…" The King Crab gurgled, struggling to extend a claw towards a phone on the floor- his. "We have failed…"

Suddenly, his body burst, crab chunks blasting about the room. Mia and Call Girl ducked just in time to avoid a shower of crustacean juice.

"Ew! Gross!" Mia shuddered. "At least  _that's_ dealt with… Jagoffs…"

* * *

After saving Call Girl's phone, Mia was sidetracked again. This time by Mosquito.

"Hey, um… ButtLord. I have a tiny problem. I'm outside of Raisins."

"...Oh this oughta be good." Mia growled.

* * *

"So let me get this straight…" Mia spoke, voice level and calm. "They stole your dad's credit card?"

Clyde nodded meekly. Something about Mia's aura was making him nervous.

"Uh-huh. And you want me to help get it back."

Another meek nod.

"...Okay. Are you sure you're being entirely truthful with me, Clyde? Because if you're lying I'm going to be  _very_  displeased with you."

Clyde hesitated. "...I might have… brought it in to buy stuff and… um…"

"And they kept it as ransom so you'd pay off your tab." She said, voice low and cool.

Clyde nodded.

"Alright then bug boy. Get this through your head." She calmly gripped him by the collar. "We're going in there, and we're going to get it back, one way or another. But you're also going to  _pay your tab. One. Way. Or. Another."_

Mosquito gave a tiny squeak.

"I-I-I don't have enough money!"

"Then we're gonna have to fight to get that card back." Mia sighed. "Great. I think I know exactly what to do. It gets the Raisins to stop trying to kill me on the street, and it makes you no longer as much of a liability." She shoved him through the door. "You go first."

* * *

"That's the kid! That's the kid who beat up Porsche and Mercedes!"

Mia sighed, pinching her brow, shoving Mosquito in front of her. To his credit (or perhaps lack thereof), he managed to carry some kind of bravado.

"Ha-ha! That's right! This kid is here to get my father's credit card back from you buxom thieves!"

"You  _gave_ us your dad's credit card when you wanted time in the wrestling pit with us!"

"The  _what?_ " Mia mumbled, rubbing her temples. This was giving her a fucking headache.

"Not true! I just wanted to leave!"

"Cut the bullshit!" Mia snapped, shoving him. Mosquito cringed a bit.

"Yeah, why did you say "hang on, I'll be right back with my dad's credit card, he won't even know it's gone."

Mia's grip on mosquito's shoulder tightened painfully.

"Come on!" Clyde shouted. "Give me the card or there's gonna be… trouble."

"Clyde if you get me in another fight I'm gonna throw you out of another tree!"

"There a problem here girls?" A large-looking man approached. Security, judging by the size of his arms.

"Oh there's about to be… Raisins Girls assemble!"

Mia shoved Clyde forward.

"Go on buddy. Looks like you get to be my meatshield!"

Mosquito lasted about four seconds, as Mia stood back and watched. She posted a picture on Coonstagram.

**Watching Clyde get beat up for not paying his fucking tab. I'll make sure he doesn't end up in the hospital once I think he's had enough.**

* * *

Mia held her own pretty well honestly. Mosquito wasn't exactly great at taking hits. He could hit hard, but like his namesake, he went down easy. After that the girls turned their ire on Mia, who was forced to defend herself from the girls and the bouncer. Still, Mia managed to take down all but one Raisin.

"Well, I guess it's just you and me now, bitch." She sneered. "...Oh wait, I brought a friend."

The ground shook a bit.

"Aw, hell." Mia sighed, as Rebecca stomped in, fists clenched. She had to keep her distance or she was screwed.

"Why don't you hold still a second." Mia advised, grinning as ice suddenly formed around her fingertips, tossing them at Rebecca. She shuddered, frozen to the spot. Mia quickly turned and knocked the other girl back. "Come on, I'm here to make life easier for all y'all. If you're done trying to hurt me, I think I have a solution here that works out rather well."

The girls groaned, bruised and battered, but not hurt too badly. They seemed willing to at least listen now that they'd been knocked around enough.

"This little jackass-" She yanked Clyde to his feet, and he whimpered. "Gets his card back. In exchange, I pay for some of his tab right here and now…"

Clyde's eyes lit up. "R-really?"

"The rest of it comes from two places." She shook Mosquito. "One is every cent in his pockets right now."

Mosquito whimpered, but emptied it out.

"This… isn't even half!" One of the Raisins protested. Mia grinned. "Right. So I'll put down a small amount of money too… And then he has to scrub  _every millimeter of this building until it's spotless."_

Clyde's eyes widened in horror. "W-what?"

"Real simple innit? You're  _working_ off your tab Clyde." Mia yanked off his mosquito gear. "And as collateral,  _I'm_ keeping your dad's credit card, your mosquito stuff and I'm not giving any of it back until I get confirmation from these ladies-" She gestured to the Raisins. "That you've cleaned out every  _speck_  of dirt in this place, washed every pan, picked gum off of every table and scrubbed out  _every toilet._ "

Clyde whined.

"And whatever else these girls decide they need done."

There was a long silence. The Raisins looked at one another. Slowly, wicked smiles grew over their faces.

"You're the  _worst,_ New Kid." Clyde whimpered.

"Oh and if you try to flake, I'm telling your dad."

"Okay! Okay! Just please don't tell him!" He begged. "I'll do it!"

Clyde was dragged into the kitchen with a little wail of dread, eyes wide with fear.

"You're not so bad I guess, New Kid." One of the Raisins commended.

Mia shrugged. "I'm sick of pulling his ass out of this place. It wasn't gonna stop without some trauma. Sorry if I lost you a customer but he's probably caused more trouble than he's worth. So. Fuck him."

* * *

Mia left, texting Coon & Friends.

**Mosquito is not in the hospital but I did kind of force him into indentured servitude. For today at least. I doubt this will stop his stupid Raisins problem but it might slow it down for a while.**

There was a bit before she got a text back from Kyle.

 **Jesus Christ, you are** _ **scary**_   **when you're mad.**

* * *

Mia's next stop was SoDoSoPa. She had some backup though; Call Girl had come along, and Mia had managed to get Fastpass and Human Kite along with her. They waited by the stairs, out of site but within earshot.

Mia slowly climbed, until she reached the top. A large man was waiting, in a fancy suit. Mia knew this probably wasn't the caller, but it was someone.

"Looking for answers?" The man intoned, voice deep. "Mr. Conner sends his regards."

Mia could just barely hear Kyle groan in annoyance.

"He wanted to come himself, but he's a very busy man."

"Yeah, yeah, can we jump to the trap already? I'm on a schedule." Mia grumbled. The man ignored her completely.

"He mentioned some horrible tragedy happened to your mother…"

"Not really." Mia deadpanned. "He's just getting his information from an idiot."

This time it was a stifled laugh from Kyle. The man  _still_ ignored her.

"Funny how a few moments in our lives can completely change who we are-"

"If you don't stop ignoring me I'm gonna rip your fuckin lips off."

The man paused, hesitating, before steadying himself.

"Well… Now you're gonna be taken out by assassins, known as the City Ninja Service…"

"You have  _got_  to be fucking with me."

No. No he wasn't. Those sure were ninjas alright. Crap.

There was a very brief dispute over payment, but it was handled quickly, and then the head ninja drew his sword.

"Okay, hello, we are from City Ninja… I'm afraid we got paid to uh, assassinate you today. So we have to do that of course… unless… You want to pay us not to… Five thousand dolla'?"

Mia blinked. "...So can I pretend to think about that for a few seconds to look all conflicted?" In reality she was buying time for Kite to shift to an overhead position while Fastpass appeared behind the ninjas. Call Girl was scrambling up the wall, not far behind either.

"Oh sure, sure!" Well at least he was pretending to be polite.

"...I don't actually have five thousand dollars I just like wasting time." Mia admitted, making sure she was out of the sword's reach.

"Ok, not enough money for bribe? We still have to murder you sorry."

"It's okay, I was just stalling for something."

"What that?"

Mia grinned. "For your other ninjas to get taken out from behind like the little bitches they are."

"Wha-" He turned. The other Ninjas had been ambushed and taken out from behind by the three who'd come to help. "Oh, no fair! You cheater!"

"Yep!" Mia grinned, slamming a foot into the back of his shins, knocking him forward. Fastpass zipped past the ninja's sword, delivering a smack to his jaw, before zipping back. The head Ninja backed off, nursing a bruised jaw, clicking his sword against the ground.

"I need backup ninja, you other ninjas shit!" The head ninja yelled, and four more smoke-bombed their way in. Mia sighed.

"Geez…"

"New Kid, you're even deeper in this than I thought!" Call Girl shook her head, whipping her Selfie Stick against one's head, knocking him flat.

* * *

"So hard to find good ninja these days." The head ninja sighed, vanishing in a burst of smoke. Mia glanced about.

"Everyone okay?" She breathed.

"I could use a band-aid." Call girl admitted meekly, putting some pressure on a shallow cut. "Or ten…"

"Man, New Kid…" Kyle shook his head. "You must've really pissed someone off."

"You heard the name that mob guy said right?"

"M-mister Conner." Jimmy frowned. "I hope that's just a co-co… coinci… coincide- A… Some really weird random l-luck."

Kyle ground his teeth a bit. "...Right, we'll play along with Fatass for now. He'll slip up eventually."

"Wait, Cartman is behind this?" Wendy's eyes widened a bit.

"Probably." Mia groaned. "He's got some hand puppet he acts like possesses his hand or some bullshit… Kyle you know him better than me, is he even capable of this?"

Kyle sighed unhappily. "...Yeah. Cartman- Cartman's really stupid at most stuff- stuff you learn in school and things like that- but he's really  _really_ good at putting together plans and manipulating people. He's- he can be fucking  _scary_  sometimes. There was this one kid… Scott Tenorman…"

Jimmy and Wendy both cringed. Apparently whatever the story was behind that, they knew it.

"Well uh… Maybe it's better we don't talk about that ever again..." Kyle shook his head. "If fatass is behind this, he's probably gonna have a scapegoat."

"Crap." Mia muttered. "Guess we gotta play into his hands until we have  _something_ we can do. But the thing is, since this is fucking  _South Park_  it really  _could_ just be a stupid coincidence- this fucking town is weird enough for that to happen!"

"I hate to say this, but… you're right. Guess we'll have to see what Coon has planned next and just… I dunno. Be ready for  _something_  horrible and insidious. Or something really  _really_ stupid. Or both." Kyle rubbed his brow.

"G-guess we'll head back to the Coon Lair, f-fast!" Fastpass paused, rolling his eyes. "C-coon's super convinced that Call Girl's gonna try and break in."

"As if." Wendy huffed.

"He c-ch… changed the code. To um… Well you'll probably be able to guess it when you see the labels he's using…"

* * *

It took Mia about five seconds to figure out that the code was "NO GIRLS ALLOWED." She wondered idly if Cartman's head would explode if she revealed she was a girl. It was tempting but she also didn't want to risk having to clean his exploded up, so she refrained from it.

She slipped down the steps and into her seat.

"Coon Friends. These are dark times." Coon's fingers tapped the table, careful not to snag the cloth. "We now know for a fact that Scrambles the missing cat is part of a larger conspiracy…" His mouth twisted into an even deeper frown. "We also know that the fucking Freedom Pals have more information about this conspiracy than we do." There was a brief pause.

"Fuck!" Cartman added.

A very exhausted looking Clyde, smelling of detergent and grease lowered his gaze. "Maybe we should just face it guys. Maybe Freedom Pals have a better super-franchise than we do… bzz…"

"Hey! That's no way to talk Mosquito!" Coon smacked the table. "The only reason the Freedom Pals have more information than us right now is that they're butt-fucking cheaters who sold out!"

"Cartman." Mia sighed, exasperated. "Define "sellout" to me."

Coon paused. "...someone who sold out?"

"Okay, now what does that mean?"

He stared at her blankly, before rapidly changing the subject.

"It's time to be as dirty as them!"

_He barely knows. Figures._

"We have to know what the Freedom Pals know!"

"Well h-how are we ever gonna get the help of the Freedom Pals?" Fastpass leaned on the table a bit.

Mia pursed her lips. "Yeah, hate to say it but uh… I already called in the one favor I had. Also, the last two times we met we all kinda kicked the shit out of each other."

"...We send a spy. Someone in our group who pretends to want to switch sides and join Freedom Pals. Somebody who they don't know very well."

All gazes shifted to Mia.

"...I mean I did betray Cartman once before." Mia shrugged, grinning lightly. "Because I thought it would be a neat narrative shift…" Actually it was so she could beat down Cartman. But she wasn't gonna admit that to his face.

"...The New Kid joins Freedom Pals, then asks for assistance investigating…"

"But you'll never get past their security grid! They change it  _every day!_ " Scott interjected, brow creased with worry.

"...I can get the new kid inside!"

Mia turned to face Professor Chaos, who had been listening in silence the entire time.

"I've got hacking abilities remember? I'm a gadgeteer class with the tinkering ability!"

"No dice, Chaos!" Coon scowled. "You're just saying that to get out of jail."

"You better let him go. The New Kid will need him." Kyle sighed. Mia nodded.

"Sounds like it. I'll keep him on a tight leash. Not literally, I don't have a leash. Because cats hate leashes."

Coon shrugged. "Fine." He flicked a claw into the latch, popping the door open. Chaos emerged, stretching fully out. "Get the new kid in Freedom Pals' base."

"Okay!" Butters grinned.

"-And if you try anything funny, ButtLord will kill you."

"O-okay."

* * *

Mia and Butters had to make a quick stop at Butter's room so he could pick up his "minion". A hamster. Mia wasn't sure how hamsters could help hack, but she had to admit that this one was fairly cute.

"All right, let's get to Freedom Pals' base and then we'll-"

"BUTTERS!"

"AAAAAGH!" Butters screamed in fear, cowering before his father towering in the doorway. He instinctively backed away a bit. Mia felt an instant harsh dislike for the man.

" _Where have you been, Mister?!"_  Mr. Stotch roared.

"O-oh! H-hey dad! I budd- I be- I just been hanging out with my new friend and uh-"

" _You didn't come home last night Butters! Your mom and I were worried sick!_ " Mr. Stotch was practically frothing. "We could  _barely_ enjoy the movie we were watching!"

Oh so he was one of  _these_  parents. The kind Mia would break the legs of.

Butters could only stammer and stutter in the face of his dad, eyes wide.

"Sorry's not gonna cut it mister!" Mr. Stotch growled, whirling on Mia. "And you! What's your name!?"

Mia sighed. Probably had to go with her fake name for now.

"Michael." She growled, voice low and calm. "And you're a wretched failure of a parent. How does it feel knowing that you care so little about your son that if you were in any other town in the world you would be in prison for negligence?"

Mr. Stotch looked ready to explode. "THAT DOES IT!" He screeched. "Butters you are grounded and so is your smartass little-"

Mia shut the man up with a brutal uppercut to the testicles. He cried out, tumbling to the floor, as Mia calmly pressed her heel into his head, voice incredibly low and dangerous.

"I'm not your kid. You can't "ground" me. In fact, you're not grounding anyone. Me and Butters are going now Mr. Stotch. Keep being a bully and I'll break every fucking bone in your body. They'll think you got thrown in a  _grain thresher_ when I'm done."

Butters's dad stared up at her in wide eyes, horror.

"B-but I grounded you…" He whimpered. "You- You're… You have some kind of… _ungrounding_  powers…?! D-darkling! Begone! Get your dark magic away from me!" Mr. Stotch managed to scramble away fearfully. "Butters, you're grounded for life!"

"Really? I'm grounded? But I don't feel grounded… oh my god! I'm ungroundable! I'm  _ungroundable!"_ Butters crowed, awestruck.

Butters's dad wailed. "NOOOOO!"

* * *

Token's house was the location of the Freedom Pals' base. Mia and Butters after short-circuiting the lock, made their way into the base itself. The basement was spacious and full of neat objects and trinkets. It was brighter lit and better decorated than the Coon's basement, that was for sure.

"This sure beats the crap outta Coon and Friends' Base, huh New Kid?"

"Mhm." Mia nodded, fists on her hips. "Gotta say, s'pretty nice honestly. Has some actual lights in it too." She paused, frowning.

"Professor? You get the feeling that we're-"

" _What are you doing here?!"_

Butters gave a little scream.

"...that we're being watched." Mia mumbled weakly. The pair were surrounded on all sides by the Freedom Pals.

"O-oh, hey Mysterion! W-we were just-!" He took a breath, composing himself. "Hoping to speak with Dr. Timothy!"

"Why?!" Tweek hissed.

"Agh! T-the New Kid wanted to switch franchises and I told him I'd help!"

"Hey New Kid. Thought I'd see you here." Toolshed's voice was level, fairly unsurprised.

"Yeah, yeah, it seems to be a theme with me." Mia sighed, shaking her head. "Loyalty to Cartman can only end in misery anyway."

"They're here to spy on us! To steal what Dr. Timothy has been working on!" Mysterion cracked his knuckles aggressively.

"Let's rip em to shreds!" Wonder Tweek called.

"Tweek, you have a counseling appointment today." Mia crossed her arms. "And I have to be there. So if you kill me, that screws all of that."

Tweek winced, but before he could speak, a calm, rational voice rang out.

" _Calm down everyone. Let's hear what they have to say_."

Slowly, Dr. Timothy's wheelchair rolled out from behind the makeshift curtains.

"Oh god, it's him." Butter's squeaked.

" _This is a rather surprising change of heart for you, Professor."_  Timothy mused, " _You really wish to help the New Kid switch franchises?"_

"I...well, yeah, y'know, your franchise seems a lot more progressive and open a-aa-and…"

Timothy stared intently, resting two fingers on his brow. Butters went a little pale and began speaking even faster.

"And I! Ah! You know! We just… thought he should switch! Because Coon and Friends kinda isn't going anywhere!"

Mia crossed her arms. "Really I don't even care that much about the whole franchise thing that much…"

Timothy stared at Professor Chaos more intently, seeming strained. Butters's voice became a little shrill.

"See! The New Kid asked me "how do I quit Coon and Friends" and since I hate Coon and Friends I decided to help out!"

There was a pause. Wonder Tweek glanced at Dr. Timothy.

"...You get anything?"

" _...The aluminum foil on his helmet appears to be blocking my abilities."_  Timmy admitted, before turning his gaze to Mia. Mia shivered under his gaze.

_If you can hear my thoughts, Coon is probably behind the crime wave somehow. Not sure where his resources are from but he's using some dumb alter-ego thing to deflect attention from him. Still don't know why. Don't tell anyone or Cartman will wise up and change his plan. But I need all the help I can get. Call Girl, Human Kite and Fastpass know, but we're keeping it quiet so Coon doesn't get suspicious._

Timmy's eyes widened momentarily. Then he gave a small nod.

" _The New Kid's thoughts are hard to read as well. I can only get bits and pieces."_  He leaned back. " _Something about Eric being kind of a douchebag._ "

"Don't trust them Doc." Mysterion warned. "They can't see what you've been working on."

"What if the New Kid really wants to switch?" Toolshed offered. Mia cracked a small half-smile. Good ol' Stan.

" _We can see if the New Kid's intentions are pure. We're sending Tupperware on an important mission today. You can help him with that. As a test._ "

"What, really?" Tupperware groaned. "I don't need backup! Especially not from a newbie!"

"Tupperware I have kicked your ass twice in as many days." Mia sighed. "Nothing personal by the way, I just like to fight. But point is I don't really count as a "noob" anymore."

" _Easy Tup. Remember the Freedom Pals motto."_

Tupperware sighed. "...Yeah. Retribution, but with Inclusion." He seemed a bit chastened.

" _I'll send the New Kid details on the mission. But for now, I must return to my work_."

"Okay, fine." Mia nodded. "But first up, I gotta get to the school."

"R-right!" Tweek nodded rapidly. "That counseling appointment with Mr. Mackey. I'm so nervous…"

"Easy." Mia gave him a patient half smile. "I'm gonna be there to keep you two from killing each other, okay?"

Tweek nodded, tugging at his shirt a bit, but taking several heaving breaths.

"Let's go!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is 18 pages. I'm gonna cut it here for time. In the next chapter we'll have some pretty gay stuff, some misadventures, and other stuff.
> 
> Leave a comment if you want!
> 
> Goodnight everybody!


	14. A Girl (Also, Some Serious Gayness)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh. Stuff happens. A lotta stuff. But… Enjoy! It's a good one. I write a lot and I seem to be running on unstoppable momentum- which means when I do stop I'll probably crash hard. So let's enjoy this while we have it.
> 
> Also this chapter is a bit shorter than before because I wanted it to be. Also because the next one is looking like it's gonna be really damn long.
> 
> Enjoy.

Mia awkwardly entered the gym and sat between Tweek and Craig.

"Honestly? I'm glad you two showed up." She admitted. "Was worried at least one would decide not to."

"Of all the things I don't give a fuck about, I do give a fuck about this." Craig admitted softly so that Tweek could not hear.

Mr. Mackey came in and sat down, but for once set his clipboard aside. Mia had to admit, for all his faults, the counselor really did have everyone's best interests at heart.

"Ok, apparently we're having a little quarrel, mkay." He looked Mia in the eye. "Craig and Tweek have agreed to some counseling as long as you're present New Kid, mkay… So… now, uh…" He shifted awkwardly. "Craig, is there anything you want to say to Tweek?"

Craig looked down, his expression hard to judge, even for him.

"...I think he has some stuff he should say to  _me_."

Mia bit back the urge to sigh. Great start.

"Mkay, mkay. Tweek, you wanna start maybe?"

Tweek opened his mouth, then closed it and crossed his arms. "I have nothing to say if that's his attitude…"

"Uh. Mkay." Mr. Mackey looked worried and Mia couldn't blame him. "Uh… New Kid, Maybe you should share some of your thoughts."

"Well uh…" Mia hesitated, choosing her words carefully. "...Look you guys aren't gonna get any better if you just shut down. You gotta say… something. Even if it's- being mad at each other. Not saying a damn thing is just gonna make… everything worse…" Mia paused for a moment.

_That… that's what I've been doing. I've just been… shutting down…_

Tweek and Craig looked chastened, but didn't speak.

"...I don't even know what to say or where to start!" Tweek admitted. Uh oh, he was pulling on his hair a bit.

"Mmmkay… Well uh… this isn't really going that well." Mr. Mackey took a breath. "Boys, I wanna do an exercise with you. I have some kids here to help us out… When we're trying to have some therapy, the first thing we need to do is take out our Resentments, mkay?"

Resentment. Mia had plenty of that, mostly towards assholes, but… There was some toward her parents too.

Was it weird that this couple's therapy thing was reflecting her own life a bit, or was that just South Park-ness happening as usual?

"So let's have our resentments come out- Come on over Resentments!"

A kid came up in a shirt that said "Resentments".

Okay?

"Mkay, and then in any relationship we have Expectations, because Expectations lead to Resentments."

Another kid, also wearing a shirt. Yeah, Mia probably didn't have too many of those anymore for her parents…

Because they'd become Resentments.

Fuck.

"Which of course brings about Accusations…"

Well that was more what her parents had for each other, but…

"And then that all of course leads to Victimization and Withdrawal."

Victimization were what her parents seemed to be doing to each other and… Withdrawal was…

What she was doing. She was withdrawing from her home life.

Oh.

"Now you've got to learn to overcome all of these things, mkay. Are you ready? You ready?"

Mia sighed. Mackey made it sound so easy…

" _GO FUCK EM UP!"_

"What." Mia's gaze snapped up.

"THERE THEY ARE, RIGHT THERE TWEEK AND CRAIG! YOU GO BEAT THE  _SHIT_ OUT OF EM! YOU TOO NEW KID!"

Mia's eyes went from melancholy to delight.

Beating up bad feelings?

Hell. Yes.

* * *

"You boys are gonna have to learn to work together if you're gonna eliminate all of those expectations, mkay!"

Mia had to admit, this was going badly. There were a lot of these kids and they punched  _hard_.

"Tweek. He's right." Craig suddenly said. He was looking at the twitchy blonde with a look of calm, gentle determination. Mia had never seen that look before on his face.

"Huh?" Tweek flinched, looking at Craig, startled.

"We're only gonna get rid of these expectations- and everything else- if we do it together."

"C-craig…"

Mia cracked a weak grin. How else would you get through to someone like Craig if not through something like a beatdown.

"Yeah!" Tweek nodded. "Let's do it Craig!"

The two boys hesitated, before their hands intertwined clumsily.

After that-

Mia wasn't even sure _what_  the hell to call it.

But it worked. The Therapy kids were defeated and on the floor. Mia blinked in awe.

"That- that was kinda cool." She admitted.

"Don't you feel better?" Mr. Mackey had a triumphant smile.

"Yeah, I kinda do."

"Me too!"

"Mkay! Well come back anytime you need any counseling mkay. That's uh, that's it. Thanks for your help New Kid." He gave each boy a quick pat on the shoulder, gave Mia a grateful nod, and turned to kick one of the Therapy Kids on the floor.

"Yeah! Fuck you expectations!"

Craig and Tweek walked over to Mia, both with awkward smiles.

"Thanks New Kid. We have a lot of work to do, but I think we both wanna do it now." Craig admitted, a bit clumsily.

"No problem." Mia sighed, lowering her gaze a bit.

Something about what she had said about being willing to talk earlier was still bugging her- and it must have shown on her face, because Craig raised a brow.

"...What's up?"

Mia inhaled slowly, then exhaled.

"...How good are you two at keeping secrets?"

"If this is you admitting you're like secretly gay most people kinda already think you are or whatever-"

"Not exactly?" Technically she  _was_  but… "Fuck this."

* * *

"So… You're a chick." Craig looked very confused.

"Uh-huh." Mia nodded. They were sitting on the bleachers awkwardly. Mia had her arms around her legs and the lower half of her face hidden behind her knees.

Tweek seemed inordinately stressed. "Oh my god _!_ " Tweek  _yanked_ on his hair, and Craig swiftly stopped him before he tore a clump out. "This  _whole_ time we just  _thought_ you were a guy and- and- We were calling you a boy and probably pising you off and- fuck!"

"Easy there." Craig calmed him. "Huh. I always just figured you were a guy with some girly traits and maybe gay."

"Technically you were right about me being gay but I've kinda been out of the closet for a while now so… That's not what was bugging me..."

"So why'd you not say anything? If someone thought I was a girl for like a month I'd be pissed." Craig quirked his head.

"Well uh. Couple reasons. That stupid government bullshit when we played Stick of Truth. But after that… Mostly cause my parents were still freaked out about it… And-" Mia groaned. "It sounds really stupid but it was because I liked playing with the guys. And the  _one_  person who always roped me in to play was fucking  _Cartman._ "

"Oh." Tweek cringed. "T-that- That makes more sense. He'd have tried to kick you out right away."

"Yeah." Mia shrugged. "I didn't really worry about anyone else. But- ugh. I dunno. Cartman goes to  _stupid_ lengths to get what he wants. It just… wasn't worth the hassle. At first. But I've been going goddamn crazy. I know I'm not like, the traditional image of femininity but some days I just wanna wear a fuckin' dress or put on some makeup and actually  _look_  like a girl. Instead of, y'know, kind of in between."

"So like…" Craig seemed to be choosing his words carefully. Normally he wouldn't give a fuck but he was probably not looking forward to being punched in the balls if he pissed her off. "Do like, you want us to just like, keep calling you "Douchebag" and "ButtHole" and stuff?"

Mia snorted. "Yeah, sure. I don't care. Just don't use that stupid fuckin' fake name I gave you. "Michael" isn't my name. It's fine for anyone who has it but my name's  _Mia_  damn it."

"Mia…" Tweek chewed his lip. "Okay! So like why now?"

"Because I had an eerie moment of self-clarity where I realized shutting down and not saying anything was just making it worse. Like three people other than you know now- the principal, Mr. Mackey and Wendy." Mia hunched over. "I figured you two wouldn't care and it seemed like now was a good a time as any."

"So uh, like-" Craig paused. "I'm pretty sure anyone who isn't named Cartman wouldn't care. I mean, I don't give a fuck- you kick too much ass. Seriously, I've seen that left hook of yours."

"Pretty sure you've felt it too." She deadpanned.

"But like, we'll just like, keep our fucking mouths shut if you don't want it to be a big thing."

"Sure. Thanks." Mia said. "And I mean that."

Tweek twitched. "So like- Craig, you're not pissed that she left Coon and Friends?"

"Dude, do I look like the kind of guy who would give a fuck either way?"

"Look, Coon's a horrible brat, but most of the other guys are really fine." Mia shook her head. "Scott's kind of a pain but he's still  _nice_ you know? Kyle's fine, even if his cousin is obnoxious. Craig doesn't give a fuck, which I respect. And I don't really know Jimmy that well yet but he's always been pretty easy for me to get along with..."

"So basically-" Tweek calmly adjusted his headband. "It wasn't a personal thing."

"Yeah." Mia nodded. "Also, I'm pretty sure Coon's gonna turn evil the  _moment_  something offers him more money or power than he has now."

"That… would not be the first time." Craig winced.

"Look, I'd love some perfect world where everyone could coexist under one franchise-"

Tweek twitched very strangely, but Mia ignored it.

"But that's not our world right now."

"Fair." Craig said. "Well uh. I guess we listened to you. Are we done now?"

"Yeah." Mia nodded. "Hearing me out was my payment for helping you guys."

"S-sounds good to me! I'll see you at our mission New Kid. Come on Craig." He stood, smiling meekly. "I'll get you your laptop."

"It's  _our_  laptop, Tweek."

Mia smiled. That felt… good. Really good. She felt a lot lighter. One trial of her life down. The next one…

Helping Tupperware and Tweek at the Senior Center.

If it weren't for where this was happening, Mia would almost think that this was gonna be boring.

* * *

"Heya. Sorry for the wait." Mia apologized to Tupperware as she arrived. Tweek had beat her there somehow.

"Alright kid… This is a very important mission. You sure you're up to it."

She nodded, wearily. "Let's go."

"Well, come on…"

"Let's go Freedom Pals."

They entered the building.

* * *

"...We're here for the community service." Tweek explained to an employee, who perked up.

"Oh wonderful!" She called out. "Everyone! Some of the local children are here to sing for us."

Mia went ghost pale.

"...Guys." She hissed. "I can't sing."

Tupperware gave her a little reassuring grin.. "Don't worry, you're just playing really simple instrument notes."

* * *

This song was... dull. Dull and kind of bad. It wasn't even the quality of the sound, just... A boring boring song. She couldn't blame the old folks for being irritated by it. Still, she dutifully "tinged" on the triangle when she was given her cue. Then, as soon as it had been handed to her, Tweek took it and handed her…

A mandolin. This was a new one. She'd never actually seen a real one that she could remember. Huh. Her fingers strummed when they cued her. Something about this felt… kind of familiar. And right. She began to strum a little more, a bit faster, picking up a little tune. She only played for about ten or fifteen seconds, but Tweek and Token looked a bit surprised and impressed. Even a few of the old people looked kind of impressed.

Then the flugelhorn came out and  _everything_ went to hell.

* * *

"Never give me an instrument that requires air again, okay?" Mia sighed, as they escaped the senior center, sitting outside to catch their breath, where Mysterion was waiting outside.

"Yeah that- that went badly." Tupperware admitted. "But uh... The mandolin was good. Do you take lessons or something?"

"I...think I did once." Mia admitted. "My long-term memory's kind of hazy but… my fingers knew what to do."

"Huh... Well, tell you what- you did as you said and helped on the mission. Keep it. I'm never gonna use it anyway."

Mia shrugged. "Gosh, being a superhero's getting me lots of stuff lately. A cat, an instrument…" She carefully picked the case off. "I'll take this home…"

Mysterion raised a smartwatch. "Doc, this is Mysterion. We had some trouble but the mission is complete.

" _Nice work everyone."_  Dr. Timothy's voice echoed. " _You are officially a member of Freedom Pals. You can join us tonight at the Police Station."_

"We've ascertained that the police are being paid off by whoever is running crime in the city."

" _That's right. We believe we'll find the answers to what's going on there. I need to speak with you personally later, ButtHole… But welcome to the team, friend."_

Mysterion raised an eyebrow but shrugged, hanging up. "We'll see you tonight. Go visit Dr. Timothy."

"Don't tell anyone we're going to the police station."

* * *

Mia sat in Token's basement. The only one there was Timmy.

"Sorry fer wanting to keep this kind of quiet."

" _No need, Mia."_

She blinked, a bit startled, but then if anyone could know it would be someone with telepathy.

"Thanks for keeping  _that_  quiet too. Nobody else can hear you right this second, right?"

" _No. I am speaking directly to you instead of broadcasting thoughts._ "

Mia nodded, then stopped speaking aloud, thinking her message to Timmy, just in case someone might be listening in. She was feeling a bit paranoid.

" _Okay."_  She thought. " _Here's what I know- Toolshed told you about the Chaos Lair, I assume?"_

" _He did. Quite a story."_

" _Right. Well, that night, Professor Chaos told us what little he knew about his employer. Eric said it matched up with that stupid hand puppet of his, Mitch Conner. At first we just thought it was just Cartman being… Cartman."_

" _A reasonable assumption. Eric does enjoy his theatrics."_

" _Right, We thought so too at first… But then when me and Call Girl went to D-Mobile and it was taken over, the Crab People's leader said something about having failed a "Mr. Conner." I thought it was a coincidence. But I also got a call from someone claiming to be the kingpin. He sounded like Cartman a bit, but I just thought it was a coincidence. But then the contact the kingpin had me meet said he was_   _sent by- guess who?"_

" _A "Mister Conner" no doubt."_

" _You got it. So far only Fastpass, Human Kite and Call Girl know this- we've kept it quiet because of two possible explanations: One, it's an insanely stupid coincidence. Or two, the more likely…"_

" _It's Eric Cartman. And he is very dangerous when he has the energy to be..."_

" _Yeah. Look I'm going to tell you the truth. Coon sent me as a double-agent. To tell you I wanted to join to find out any leads you had. If I don't go back to him, he'll get suspicious and he'll change up his plan. I think he_ wants  _us to "thwart" these plans. I don't know everything but at least part of this is a huge ego boost for him. Whatever his ultimate goal is, this stuff won't matter at the end of it."_

" _I see."_ Dr. Timothy wheeled back, lost in thought. " _Tonight… I want you to tell Coon about the police station. Play along with him. As long as possible. We must find a chance to expose the full truth of what he's doing or else he will find a way to escape it."_  The boy had an idea, and jolted. "Timmeh!  _I believe I have at least one bit of insurance…"_

He explained and Mia's eyes widened as she heard his words.

"W-wow." She giggled nervously. "Didn't even think you might be doing something like- I guess this makes me… like- a reverse double agent? A quadruple agent?"

"Timmy!"

"Right. I'll go and do my part. Good luck."

* * *

Mia got home and called the Coon, telling him about the police station assault.

"Ha! Dude, that's awesome New Kid!" He shifted, and Mia could hear him calling to the other kids in the basement. "Attention all Coon Friends! All Coon Friends to the Coon Lair! We know what Freedom Pals know! Great work ButtLord."

Mia hung up with a smirk.  _Check._

* * *

She ended up being sidetracked to help Professor Chaos out at the Bank. The agent had tried to screw her out of her house, but she somehow ended up walking out of the bank with more money than she had walked in with. So that was weird. Her family was considered "Flush" apparently. That was… weird. At least Butters could pay his minions now…

"There they are!"

"Wha-?"

"Those damn kids that hired immigrant workers!"

"Who are you people…?" Mia frowned, baffled.

"Yeah! They got a loan to pay their minions! You know what that means- THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!"

"THEY TOOK OUR JERBS!"

"DERKER DERRR!"

Mia sighed, cracking her knuckles. "And now I'm gonna take your teeth. Funny how that works!"

* * *

"Great job, hero! Those Freedom Posers have no idea we fucked them over."

Mia sat down with a small self satisfied smile. The Coon gestured to the other Coon Friends.

"All right, listen up! The Freedom Pals are infiltrating the police station tonight. We have to get there before they do."

Kite's eyebrows raised. "The police station?! We can't take down the police, are you crazy?!"

"Yeah. Just let Freedom Pals do it." Super Craig said.

"We can't do that guys." Coon puffed his chest up.

"Why not?" Captain Diabetes seemed wary about the idea of fighting police as well.

"...Because at approximately 10:30 AM this morning, Classi was arrested by the police."

Oh.

Well. Fuck.

"How'd you find out?" Craig frowned a bit deeper. Cartman silently pulled up his phone and played a voicemail.

" _YO WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU CAPE WEARIN' LIL BITCHES SAID YOU WOULD PROTECT MY ASS! THEY ONLY GIVIN' ME ONE MOTHAFUCKIN PHONECALL SO Y'ALL BETTA' COME GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! LAME ASS SUPERHERO WANNABE MOTHERFUCKERS!"_

"Ah." Mia winced. "Yeah that's her alright."

"We have to help her fellas." Fastpass looked up, expression serious. "We made a promise."

Cartman ended up giving Mia a fourth class. She didn't even give him the Look or whine about it, he just acted like she did. Mia, who kind of missed being as much of a brawler as she often loved being, picked Martial Artist.

...She wasn't sure how that was a superhero thing. Something about dragons and Chi.

But the crux of it was hitting people, so she had that down.

For now, she had some time to kill... before bedtime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I can't seem to stop myself from writing.
> 
> Anyone have opinions on if I should cover the DLC or not? I don't feel the need for them in the main plot but I might do them as like, bonus chapters later for fun.
> 
> Leave a comment if you're so inclined! Goodnight everybody!


	15. Mia has a Shitty Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is 20 pages. 
> 
> Someone needs to stop me.

At first, Mia hoped the house would be quiet. That for  _one night_  her parents could maybe not fight. For  _one. Fucking. Night._

The moment she walked in, her dad was roaring in her mother's face, and that hope was crushed to dust before her eyes.

" _You stupid fucking cow!_ "

Her hopes dashed right away, Mia pressed against the wall and began trying to creep toward the stairs, desperately hoping to escape notice. If there was one thing that hurt more than watching this, it was the horror in her parent's faces when they realized she'd heard everything.

"Have another glass of Chardonnay why don't you?!"

"I  _have_ to drink to deal with you." Her mother sneered. "That marijuana is changing you somehow."

"At least marijuana is natural! Not like…" He paused, realizing the fallacy of his words but finishing anyway. "G-grapes!"

"You're fucking high!"

"Maybe so but I'm not telling everyone our child's  _secrets!_ "

No, that was Mia's job now, apparently.

" _Go be paranoid some more in your room, Chris!"_  Her mother shouted, mockingly.

"Have another drink, Kelly!"

The two continued the childish back and forth, voices growing shriller and angrier. Mia made it to the first step… and it creaked noisily. Her parents jumped, startled, eyes wide.

"...Oh, h-hey kiddo!" Mia flinched at how fast her dad went from utterly derisive and spiteful to… genuine and kind. It hurt more than if he'd been mad at her. "Daddy is just… going to his room." He gently patted her on the head and practically fled up the steps.

Mia didn't look up at either parent, eyes glued to the floor.

"M-mommy's gonna get a drink…"

She heard her mother struggling to stifle a sob as she fled to the kitchen.

Trembling, Mia made her way up to her room and shut herself inside, curling up in the corner.

She wasn't exactly sure when she had started crying but there were tears running down her face. The fighting was getting worse and her parents were just running away from it all with their…

Drugs and…

Alcohol...

Something horrible began creeping into her thoughts.

New, higher-grade drugs and alcohol. The cats. "Cheesing". Her parents were acting more aggressive and irrational and…

And taking drugs and alcohol.

Mia fumbled her phone fast as possible, quickly dialing Call Girl.

"...Hello?" Wendy;s voice echoed out.

Mia, voice shaky, stuttered. "I-It's me. T-the parents- I just realized- everyone's being drugged. The kingpin's putting cat urine in drugs and alcohol which makes people act crazier, but n-not as fast as cheesing on its own does-"

"Whoa, slow down, New Kid!"

"S-sorry. Just realized. It's happening to my parents. It- It's making them insane." She took several deep breaths. "And they're fighting and it's my fault and I have no idea what the hell to do!"

"Easy." Wendy's voice was calm, and soothing. "Breathe."

Mia took several slow, deep breaths. "Freedom Pals figured out the police station as the next place that has the crime syndicates backing it. It's why the cops have been so useless. They're on the take…"

"Are you going there tonight?"

"Yeah. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone but I don't think they'll mind too much if you show too. I mean their motto  _is_  "Retribution but With  _Inclusion_."

"Count me in. We need to stop this." Call Girl paused. "...But you know that stopping all this won't fix… all the stuff with your parents."

Mia flinched. "Maybe not but it'll make it so that it's actually  _possible_ to… But… We'll be there tonight. After dark. Seeya around."

"Good luck New Kid."

Mia sighed. "I'm gonna need it."

* * *

"Sweetie…?"

Mia looked up from where she was seated on her bed. Her mother was totally drunk, a gentle, glazed look in her eyes.

"You forgot to eat your dinner. Mommy put it down on the table."

Mia silently pushed herself upright. She had to eat  _something_  after all.

Her mother smiled weakly. "Come on honey… gotta eat your supper."

Suddenly, her father was shouting.

"Did you put  _more_ of that stuff in our child's food?!"

What did he just say?!

" _SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!"_

" _How do we know that medicine doesn't have side effects, huh?!_ "

"YOU KNOW SHE NEEDS THE MEDICINE AS MUCH AS I DO!"

Then her mother reeled back and punched her father right in the face.

Mia choked, frozen where she stood. She couldn't move. She couldn't even breathe. Her heart was pounding in her throat and she felt a painful tightening in her chest.

She was  _scared._  She'd been afraid before. Scared for her life. Scared for her friends... But this… This was a kind of raw terror that she had never felt before. The kind of fear that only someone witnessing their life being torn apart in front of them could feel.

"Agh!" Her dad stared at her mother, shocked, then angry, delivering a vicious slap to her mother's face. "You  _drunken whore!_ "

"Fucking POTHEAD!" Her mom screamed right back. "How  _dare_  you make our child choose sides! YOU PUT THE MEDICINE IN HER FOOD TOO!" She smacked him again, harder this time.

Her father rocked on his feet for a moment, taking several heaving breaths.

"I'm not-" He took another breath, steadying his voice. "I'm not having  _anyone_ choose sides."

He turned to Mia, who was still rooted to the spot. Even though he was utterly stoned off his ass, some instinct seemed to tell him that Mia was scared out of her wits. As if her parents had never once argued, her dad spoke to her gently.

"...Go on down and eat some dinner, champ."

Mia slowly, shakily made her way past her parents, refusing to look at them, and nearly tripped down the stairs at least twice, she could barely force herself to walk.

She stared at her food.

Medicine in her food.

Mia made a strange noise, as despair crept over her and sank slowly into her seat at the kitchen table. She managed about half of her dinner, before her stomach told her to stop eating and just lie down.

She lay on her bed, but no tears came this time.

She didn't have any tears left after that.

* * *

Mia was awakened by a soft tap at her window. She sat up, and saw Mysterion perched in it. Mia waved to acknowledge him, before fumbling with the locks and sliding it open.

"New Kid. Get dressed and meet me out front." He growled, like always. "The night awaits!"

He paused, about to hop down, but cast a brief glance at her bedroom. "...Cool room." He added appreciatively, before effortlessly hopping from her window.

Somehow, that made Mia feel a little better.

* * *

Mia stumbled out, yanking on her makeshift cape and cowl. Since her hero persona was being workshopped, so was her costume. Still, a cape and cowl was a good, classic start. She also was wearing some fingerless gloves to act as protection for her knuckles when she punched people. Although it was usually so cold in South Park she would forgo them for mittens.

Oh and colors. She was fairly colorful too, in rather stark contrast with Kenny's more muted colors.

"It's about time." He huffed. "Do you know how hard it is to look mysterious while standing in some kids yard? It's pretty fucking hard."

"Cry me a river." Mia muttered, adjusting her outfit. "Let's do this."

* * *

"Shit!" Mia exclaimed, staring out at the streets. "It's fucking  _bedlam_  out here!"

"Wow. The adults in this town are really out of their fucking minds…" Mysterion dodged a screaming drunk, almost casually. The street was in absolute chaos.

"Jesus!" Mysterion muttered in disbelief as the pair skirted the untamed havoc. "What a bunch of dicks. It's worse than I thought New Kid. This is  _not normal._ "

"Yeah, even for South Park." Mia agreed.

* * *

The police station. Mia had passed the place before but generally avoided going inside. It was a tall building, one of the bigger ones in South Park. Definitely cast an ominous shadow over the town...

"There they are." Mysterion sped up a bit, and Mia trotted quickly behind him, joining the rest of the Freedom Pals. And Professor Chaos.

"Alright Freedom Pals, here's the plan." Mysterion glanced about. "Once we get inside, Toolshed and the New Kid will set off a diversion and then the-" His voice died, confusion in his gaze. "Wait, what the fuck?"

The Coon and Friends were there too. Honestly, it was impressive they had timed their arrival right before Mia and the Freedom Pals were about to head in.

"What are  _you_ assholes doing here?" Mysterion groaned.

"We're here to investigate a hot lead regarding the South Park police."

"Agh! That's what  _we're_ doing!" Tweek growled. Craig seemed a bit uncomfortable. This was… going to be awkward.

"Oh no! No no, this is  _our_ superhero mission Freedom Pals, fuck you guys!" Cartman raised his hands. Mia had to admit his acting skills were actually decent. He was a little stilted, but definitely believable...

"Get lost before there's a fight." Tupperware said, struggling to keep his voice level.

Fastpass moved to slip between Coon and Tupperware. "Fellas! Fellas, come on, there's someone in trouble here."

Coon made a big show of sighing. "Fastpass is right… I suppose that… just this once we should put our differences aside and work together." He looked straight at Kenny. "Alright Mysterion? What's the plan?"

Mysterion seemed wary, and suspicious, but the Coon giving him the lead seemed to give him the confidence to buy into it, for now.

"I… think some of us should cause a diversion. Make the cops head towards it so the rest can sneak in without the cops noticing."

"Good idea." Cartman nodded. "Coon Friends will go up the fire escape, and make a diversion so Freedom Pals can go in the front."

"This seems  _pretty_ coincidental." Toolshed stared. "Did you guys steal our lead again?"

"Innocent people are being arrested Toolshed." Cartman said, self-righteously, puffing his chest. Of course he'd play the reasonable one. It stoked his ego. "That's all that matters to us and that's all that should matter to you."

The Coon Friends made their way up the ladder, slipping up the escape.

"...He probably stole your lead." Mia noted with an air of irritation.

"Probably. Fatass." Stan grumbled.

"We gotta stand by… Take a look at this." Mysterion said, pulling himself up to peer in a window.

Mia crept close and peered in.

"...Are they… doing  _crack_? What the fuck is  _wrong_ with this place?"

"A  _lot_  of things but that's definitely one." Mysterion shook his head. Suddenly the cops jerked, seeming startled by a noise, and quickly darted out of the room towards the stairs.

"All right, come on!" Mysterion hopped down. "The coast is clear!"

* * *

Mia and Tupperware went in first, closely followed by the others, freezing at the sight of a policeman at the front desk. He didn't notice them at first, clearly very tired. Suddenly at the sight of them he jumped up and slammed a hand on a button, setting off an alarm.

"Shit! A criminal! And he has an innocent child! Code red! Assault on the precinct!"

And then he fired his gun and the bullet ricocheted of the bulletproof glass and killed him instantly.

"Wow. I didn't see that coming." Tupperware blinked, baffled.

They pressed onward.

* * *

After roughing up a group of cops- who thankfully seemed intent on non-lethal means- the kids managed to clear the first floor. At the bottom of the stairs, a man stood blocking them. His badge said "Sgt. Yates."

"That's enough! Just stand down kid!" He raised his hands in a submissive gesture as the Freedom pals stood before him. "Look. I know why you're here. You're fed up."

Mia tilted her head. "Uh… beg pardon?"

"You think all cops do is harass black people."

"Well I mean one of your guys did just shoot at Token. For no reason." Mia muttered pointedly.

"Listen. I know that to a young kid it can seem like cops are racist or bigoted. But you can't believe everything the media tells you. Cops are just people. Like you. Your friends. Your family. People who work hard to-"

"SPOOK!" A cop who had been walking down the stairs suddenly whipped out his gun and shot at Token, barely grazing his armor.

"Shit!" Mia dove to the ground, half expecting another shot.

"Whoa!"

"AGH! Tupperware!"

" _Dammit Levinsky!"_  Yates snatched the gun from the officer, shoving him "Get your ass back upstairs and turn on the alarm!"

"S-sir!" The man fled, quickly followed by Yates.

"Holy shit! Are you okay?" Mia glanced at Tupperware, who looked more pissed than scared.

" _That fucking asshole shot at me!"_

"Uhh… Let's get em!?" Tweek offered.

The doors opened behind the group suddenly and loudly, and they whirled, ready to throw down...

Call Girl awkwardly stood there, phones out.

"...Oh. Hey! Geez, is  _everyone_ investigating weird criminal stuff in this place? Well that just confirms it, the police  _are_ on the take!"

Mia had to praise Wendy's improv skills.

"Hey um. Care to help out?" Toolshed offered. "At this rate any hand we can get is a good one."

"Seconded." Mia deadpanned, raising a hand. "As long as we try not to get  _shot_."

* * *

"Are you  _fucking_ kidding me?" Mia uttered in shock when the group arrived at the holding cells.

Every.  _Single_. Person. In this jail. Was black. She was  _mad_ now. She quickly snapped a few pictures with her phone.

"This is going online." She grumbled, texting some to Call Girl. "Can you post these sometime? This shit's gonna go viral. South Park Police are going  _down_."

"Sure, New Kid!" She nods. "Using the internet for justice!"

"Dad! What the fuck are you doing in here?!" Token shouted, eyes wide, running to the bars.

Suddenly, alarms rang.

"Aw, hell." Toolshed readied his drill, as police clad in riot gear burst in the large double doors opposite.

"THEY'RE TRYING TO FREE THE CRIMINALS!"

The group quickly were trapped, flanked on both sides.

"This sucks." Mia growled, raising her fists for the brawl. Token looked furious.

"I'm gonna kick so many asses…"

* * *

Somehow, Mia took the first hit. A stun-gun. And holy shit did it hurt. She let out a rather uncharacteristically loud cry of pain, until she yanked the little metal bits away from herself.

"Pretty sure that's gonna ruin your hair." Call girl noted sympathetically, as she swung her selfie stick, practically fencing with another cop's nightstick. She definitely had the upper hand.

Another cop was stumbling around, punching whoever came near- largely his own allies. Butters was doing his best evil laugh.

"Feel the Chaos and suffer!"

Mia grinned. Her friends had her back. Tupperware was manning a sort of turret, and Mysterion was beating the hell out of a man who had the misfortune of not wearing riot gear. Not to mention Toolshed alternating between healing and drilling, and Wonder Tweek wreaking havoc with his weather powers.

"Time to pull my weight…" Mia growled, focusing all of her newfound chi. Suddenly, the cops could see the image of a flaming dragon, giving them all a massive middle finger. All their eyes turned to Mia, who was perfectly well-defended where she stood. But her defense meant nothing to them- they just were pissed and wanted to hit her. The blows rained down, but did nothing, and Mia sat and smiled.

Her friends instantly took the opportunity. Chaos bolts, laser drills, lightning, darts, punches and selfie sticks flailed through the distracted crowd, belting the cops all unconscious.

"That was cool." Mia admitted, standing, a little shaky, but mostly unharmed. "Man, support "ultimate" powers are sorta fun."

* * *

"Okay, okay! I know this looks bad…" Sgt. Yates was pretty good at bullshitting. Unfortunately, he was not good at bullshitting on the spot like this. He was better at it when he had a few minutes to plan. "You really think cops just go around arresting black people for no reason?"

Mia shot a long, slow and lingering look at the cells, slowly looking back to face him. If sarcasm had a face, it would be her utterly condescending expression right now. Yates cringed and unsurprisingly began digging himself deeper.

"What purpose could that possibly serve?! It's  _reverse_ discrimination, that's what it is! If we were all black cops and our cells were full of white people nobody would say a word. So I guess the real bigots are you, huh kids? Guess you can go home."

Tupperware loudly cracked his knuckles.

"No? ...Fuck." Yates winced.

"I'm gonna shove my foot so far up your ass you're gonna taste where I've been walking the last week." Mia chimed.

"Oh, uh. Shit." He seemed rather unsettled by that and fled. Mia rolled her eyes and punched the button to open all the cells. Token's parents ran right up to him.

"I smell a class-action lawsuit. Supreme court here we come."

"If you'd like photos for evidence I took a few with my phone." Mia called.

"Token, what'd I tell you about playing too rough?" His mother looked at him sternly. She wasn't mad- after all he'd saved her from jail- but she was firm.

"But mom! I was defending justice!"

"I don't care what you were defending, you could have gotten hurt!"

Even after being saved by her kid, a mom would always be a mom, huh?

"But Tupperware can't be hurt! He's impervious to pain!"

His mom stared him down and he withered under her glare. "Is he impervious to getting his butt spanked?"

"...No."

"That's right. Just be careful."

And with that, everyone was out of the cells. Mia sighed.

"Well I learned that tasers suck! Tonight has been kind of terrible!"

* * *

"You know what a cop is New Kid? A cop is a slave."

"I don't care. You're still a dick." Mia said.

Yates paused, mildly put upon, but refused to stop his speech. "A cop is a robot who's told not to think for himself- it's the politicians that are the real bigots."

"Yeah but that doesn't change the fact that you're still an asshole and I'm gonna make a necklace outta yer teeth, now that I have someone with enough teeth to actually make one from."

"Ooh, gruesome." Call Girl murmured.

"Rgg.. .That Mayor has been sitting in her office, telling us to  _change our ways…_ " Yates slammed a fist into the desk. "The only way to have her removed was to raise crime in the streets… And now cops are finally better to do things the  _old_  ways again. Don't you see this is better for everyone?!"

Mia shook her head despairingly. "They never listen. I hope you know a master dentist."

"Wait, holy shit! That's scrambles!" Coon had come in from behind, and he rushed forward and pointed. The fat cat was on the desk, in a similar harness the meth heads had the strays in.

"You found the missing cat ButtLord!"

"Freedom Pals!" Mysterion rushed in. "We've got the police chief! Top floor!"

Freedom Pals and Coon and Friends, fighting side by side? If Yates survived the incoming beating, he'd probably be unable to eat solid food for a week.

"What can I say…" Yates rose, the cat in his arms. "...You kids have me by the balls. Almost. By the balls." He calmly gripped a switch. "You know, not every prisoner we have here is black. We do have  _one_  white guy." Yates threw the switch and the doors sealed shut behind them.

"This is a trap!" Mysterion growled.

"I'm sorry kids." Yates looked almost geniunely regretful. His hand shook on the second lever. "But you've left me no choice."

The cell hissed open.

"Hey kids~! You want some candy?"

"...oh  _fuck._ It's  _Jared._ "

* * *

Jared spilled everything he knew. The threat of a timefart in the face was too much even for that creep. And now, they were below the police station, with Jared in his cell.

Oh and they'd broken his legs but that wasn't that important right now.

"...Anyone getting a very… wannabe Lovecraftian vibe from this place?" Mia frowned. "'Cause that's exactly what I'm getting."

"This place is spooky." Butters said nervously, squeezing his cape in his hands.

"I hope this doesn't take too much longer." Captian Diabetes frowned. "I'm gonna need a short snack break."

"I think I got some of those lil' fruit snacks in my bag." Mia admitted.

There was a little chorus of voices of people who wanted one. Mia sighed.

"Note to self: Never reveal your snack stash." The girl shook her head and passed them out as they went along.

* * *

"I don't like this." Mia muttered, as they went deeper into the tunnels, down the long stairs. Suddenly, she perked up.

"...Is that Yates?"

They sped up, quickly making their way down. Sgt. Yates was at the base of the steps, in a robe, hands raised. "Ia, Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Black goat of the woods, blessed be us your faithful servants, the destroyers of light… Ia, Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Black Goat of one thousand morbid young… Draw down the moon, and extinguish the sun!"

Mia's mouth dropped. It was like. An altar, but with a giant hole. And the cops had a handful of people, all black, all being held hostage over the pit.

"Throw him in."

"NO!"

The first man fell, and there was a wretched noise of flesh and bone tearing, and the snapping and wet fleshy noises of thrashing tentacles, before a low satisfied purr filled the air.

"Uh. Sir?"

Yates turned, glaring at the kids.

"Oh I see. I guess because cops feed African Americans to an Elder God they're… racist."

"Yes actually. That's exactly what it is!" Mia shouted. "And that aside, even if y'all weren't stupid fucking racists  _you're still feeding people to a fucking- whatever it is!_ "

Yates scoffed. "Shub-Niggurath is an Outer God, kids, who must be appeased with black flesh! Her coming was foretold by the great H. P. Lovecraft. But I suppose  _he_ was a racist too."

"Oh, no, he was." Mia deadpanned. "Total racist. Very xenophobic."

"Oh fuck, was he really?" Yates blinked surprised. "Like, how racist?"

"Uh… I think one thing he said was something like "Hitler's going to fail but I admire his spirit". And he also named his cat uh. Well, a racial slur I'm not especially comfortable repeating." Mia admitted.

"Whoa." Even Yates seemed surprised. "Like, really really?"

"Really."

"Yo! It's my homeboys!" All heads snapped up. Only one person that voice could be. "Get me the fuck up outta here! These bitches completely cray!"

"All right… You kids want a battle? Heheh… Let's do this…" He whirled to his men on the steps. "Chuck another one in!"

"Aw, fuckin'  _hell_ no!" Classi snarled, elbowing the man holding her and tackling the other. The man she elbowed yelped, falling and tumbling into the pit with a cry of agony.

"NO!" Yates wailed. "The All Mother can't stand white meat!"

"Oh." Mia squeaked, as suddenly the few tentacles that had been peeking out gushed upwards, in a massive rush. A flurry of waving, thick, curling tendrils with teeth and eyes growing everywhere that teeth and eyes normally would not go. Mouths screeched and tongues emerged from orifices that didn't quite seem to be mouths. It was a thirty-foot tall mass of flesh and hate.

"Oh fuck." Cartman squeaked. Whether he was behind all the nastiness in South Park's crime or no, even _he_  couldn't have expected this.

"So uh." Mia stuttered, feeling creeping dread run down her spine. "We're screwed if we don't feed her more of these cops. Because if what I've read of Lovecraft is right, that's like… The size of her  _eyelashes._ "

"Come on, how bad could it be!?" Call girl shouted, smacking a cultist-cop away with her sticks. "South Park already survived Cthulhu!"

"Uh…" Mia used her dragon chi to send several more flying closer to the hole. A little closer and the tentacles would snap up anything close… "I… sorry to break it to you but in the whole pantheon of elder gods, Cthulhu is kind of a lil' bitch."

Shub-Niggurath roared, the ground shaking.

"SHUT UP AND FEED THE THING THESE FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE!" Coon screamed, dodging a knife and returning fire with his claws.

The huge creature's tentacles flailed, snagging several cops who had been shoved too close, and dragged them into the pit, screaming. Mia flinched. She was disturbingly used to violence at this point. But these were murderers. She cared much less.

The huge creature roared in pain, clearly not liking the meat she'd eaten. She gave a horrible noise, spasming, goo flowing everywhere.

"No!" Yates howled. "I will not allow you to bring harm to the Goat with a Thousand Young! I'm here to protect you my queen!" He yanked on Scrambles's tail, forcing the cat to… well to piss right on his nose. Mia cringed, as the now high-as-a-kite sergeant charged into battle.

"Extra fruit snacks for whoever knocks the chief in!" She called, deciding she might as well make a game of it.

Shub Niggurath roared, rearing high, tentacles slowly rising to lash again and strike any who were within reach.

"Captain Diabetes says: RUN LIKE HELL!"

They backed away, although Mia took a pause to boot Yates in the stomach, knocking him back. He stood, frothing with rage and drug-fueled hate… And then a tentacle wrapped around his ankle. He tripped and fell to the ground.

Sgt. Yate's eyes went wide as the lashing appendage tightened and began slowly pulling him backwards. He scrabbled at the ground, eyes voice cracking.

"No...!" He whimpered, as the tentacle whipped backwards, steadily dragging him to the edge of the pit. "No-no-no no no fuck-!"

There was a horrible wet crunch of bone and the tearing of sinew.

Then a moment of silence.

Then a  _scream._ A howling cacophony of rage and pain and fear. The tentacles flowed down into the pit- and then a geyser of blood and organs and pus burst from the earth in a disgusting slurry.

Shub-Niggurath had retreated from this realm.

It would be a mistake to claim she was dead- Outer Gods do not die so easily. But the pain was enough that the mindless monstrosity that always birthed more monstrosities without even being aware of it instinctively knew to retreat to make the bad feeling stop.

Mia collapsed on her butt, heaving for breath.

"Holy. Shit."

"Bye-bye asshole!" Token called.

* * *

"Coon friends! We did it! We got scrambles!" Diabetes called, mostly to the Coon. Mia remained where she was, heaving for breath.

"We survived an elder god." She mewled softly.

"Scrambles?" Mysterion tilted his head.

"I can't believe you lil' heroes did it! Thank y'all! I finally feel like I'm safe in this shithole town!" Classi turned to leave- Mia couldn't blame her.

"You're welcome? Who are you?" Toolshed frowned, confused.

"Oh my god you guys, we've got a  _hundred bucks_ to get our franchise off the ground! Fuckin' Coon and Friends, fuck yeah!"

"Can someone please help me up?" Mia pleaded. "My legs are refusing to work. Everything feels bad."

Professor Chaos gently propped her up.

"T-thanks Butters." She was still shaking hard. "...Uh. I don't think I can stand."

Butters struggled to support her weight. He wasn't exactly the strongest. Eventually, she was shifted to Captain Diabetes.

"Sorry." She mumbled. "That was- I don't-"

"It's alright partner!" Scott patted her shoulder clumsily as he helped her up the stairs. Occasionally a Freedom Pal or Coon Friend would be forced to wait behind her as they helped her along.

* * *

"Whoa whoa wait!" Mysterion shouted. Mia was still being half-dragged by Diabetes, head down.

"I just wanna go home…" She groaned.

"What's going on? Where are you taking that cat?"

Coon grinned. "Oh yeah, uh, Sorry Freedom Pals." He said, not sorry at all. "There's um, certain intel we have that we can't share with you, you know, it's classified."

" _That's because we've been tricked."_

Mia kept her eyes on the ground, but grinned to herself. Right. On. Time.

"Aw fuck." Cartman sighed.

" _The New Kid played us, Freedom pals.._ _. Wanting to join us was a ruse."_

"What?!" Mysterion's fists clenched.

"Yeah the New Kid totally kinda fucked you guys over, sorry." Coon giggled.

"My interests lie mostly in beating the fuck out of whoever the kingpin is..." She admitted, deadpan. "I just needed a way to shut down more of his uh… contacts I guess."

" _They followed_ our  _lead to the police station… and now intend to get a hundred-dollar reward for that missing cat."_

Dr. Timothy was glaring- he made it seem so intense.

"Well, all is fair in love and war, F-Freedom Pussies!" Fastpass smirked.

Cartman sniggered.

"You  _assholes!_ " Toolshed shouted. "We helped stop the police chief's plan! We deserve that reward!"

 _Really?_ Mia thought, annoyed.  _We_ all _pulled our weight…_

"Oh yeah? Just try and take it from us!"

Mia groaned. Another fight? Now?

"We will!" Tupperware shouted.

"CIVIL WAR THREE, IT'S GOING DOWN!"

"That's it New Kid." Mysterion's hands trembled. "We're gonna rip you apart."

" _No, Mysterion. We won't fight the New Kid…_  They  _will._ "

The air hummed. This… wasn't quite the script. But-

The Coon and Friends turned, raring for a fight. With Mia. "All right New Kid…" Coon hissed. "Time to die!"

This was gonna suck on her own...

Suddenly, Call Girl and Professor Chaos were at her sides, lashing out wildly, forcing the Coon Friends back.

"Get away from our friend!" Call Girl shouted.

"Ha-ha!" Chaos cackled. "My trusty helmet must shield me from your mental powers!"

"Okay, but um, why am  _I_ not mind-hacked?"

"Sorry Professor," Mysterion sounded almost sad to break it to Butters. "But Doctor Timothy can only handle controlling so many brains at a time."

"Aw, hamburgers. Well… Dr. Timothy still made a crucial mistake by failing to control… CHAOS!"

He cackled, electricity crackling from his hands, before unleashing a raw energy beam of Chaos into Fastpass.

Mia quickly leapt past the Speedster, and kicking him hard, sending him flying into Kite. The mind-controlled boy zipped away, delivering a lightning punch to Mia's jaw. She reeled, trying to recover. There was a noise, and Fastpass's phone suddenly exploded, sending him sprawling.

"Oh wow…" He sat up, back in control of himself. "So weird! That was  _not cool_  Dr. Timothy! I'm back with Butthole now!"

Mia grinned a little. "Great, now help us beat sense into the others!"

One by one, the pattern continued. It got easier. Human Kite, Mosquito and Coon were also knocked out. Timmy's shield faded.

"... _Well fought New Kid. I suppose we'll have to settle this the old fashioned way…"_

" _Sorry if I hitcha too hard."_ Mia thought dryly, readying herself, as mind-controlled Super Craig and Diabetes joined the fray…

* * *

Mia felt bad about knocking Timmy from his chair, but… it needed to seem real. Besides the other kids hit him a lot harder. Still, they won.

Mysterion rushed forward. "Doctor Timothy!"

The Coon Friends were still dazed, but alive.

"You fucking animal!" Mysterion hissed, hate in his voice. Mia cringed, but he'd understand eventually. "HE WAS TRYING TO HELP US! HE WAS TRYING TO SAVE ALL OF US! FREEDOM PALS  _AND_ COON FRIENDS!"

"...What?" Toolshed murmured. Even  _he_ hadn't known…

* * *

"T-tim… Timmy… Timmeh…"

" _You okay?"_ Mia thought.

" _I hurt all over, but I shall live."_

Mysterion took a breath, calming himself. His voice was surprisingly gentle. "...He was never your enemy. Doctor Timothy was trying to help us ALL."

"How?"

"With this."

The curtains were drawn back.

The franchise plan was revealed.

* * *

"So while we were trying to stick it to you guys… Dr. Timothy was trying to… include us…"

"Yeah." Mysterion grabbed at Mia's collar. "And  _this_ kid nearly killed him!"

"Kenny, you turned yourself into a fucking magical nazi zombie princess  _a month ago_." Mia growled. Mysterion winced and let go of her collar.

"We're sorry the New Kid is an asshole." Toolshed deadpanned. "That's not our fault."

"Oh thanks for throwing me under the bus." Mia huffed.

Mia knew right away that Cartman wasn't as cool with it as he let on. His ego would refuse to be deflated. But that was okay. Because she and Dr. Timothy knew what he would do. And they had a contingency.

A small one, but a contingency.

Mia snuck home, into her bed and smiled. Maybe her home life was still a mess… But maybe she could at least be able to breathe easy and do her best to help that soon enough. Tired, Mia slowly fell asleep.

She would have a busy day tomorrow, but things were maybe looking up...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breathe easy, huh? Things are looking up?
> 
> Heheheh… Heheheheheheh…!
> 
> We'll see about that :)
> 
> Goodnight everybody.


	16. A Plan Revealed... And Derailed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a touch shorter.
> 
> Because the next one's gonna be long.

Mia yawned as she awoke, stretching and rubbing her eyes. Oh, right. It was a weekend. She had slept in. She checked her phone for messages- nothing to urgent. Plenty of posts from Coo- Freedom Pals. They were one group now. Mia smiled.

It was nice that everyone was trying to get along. She could tell that a lot of the kids really didn't have their hearts in he whole "Civil War" thing, especially Stan and Kyle. Craig and Tweek too, now that she'd helped them with their counselling.

Mia stood and changed out of her pajamas. She always wore her regular casual clothes under her costume because South Park was  _fucking_ cold.

It was quiet out. Maybe her parents were out. She walked to the door and opened it-

The hallway was  _drenched_ in blood.

Mia froze, mouth agape.

"...Wha…"

She slowly stepped out, eyes wide as they could go, casting her gaze about the walls. There was  _way_ more blood than could possibly be in a single human body, surely. She stumbled, darting down the stairs. Here too, there was blood everywhere. Mia trembled. With a fumble she yanked out her phone, mass-dialing the Freedom Pals.

"Uh…" She shifted, not used to using the Coonstagram video-call thing. "I have a bit of a  _fucking_ problem!" Her voice went a bit shrill. "Could someone find me before I have a  _fucking panic attack?!_ "

* * *

The first to arrive was Toolshed- he happened to be passing by her home when she called. He took one look inside her house and his mouth dropped open.

"Dude,  _the fuck?!_ "

"I don't know!" Mia screeched. "This is fucking weird and scary and my parents won't answer their fucking phones and- and-" She took a deep shuddery breath. "What the fuck is going on?! This- this can't be real blood right?! No way a person has this much blood in them!"

Toolshed hesitated, before extending a finger and touching a spatter on the wall. His expression looked relieved.

"It's  _paint_."

"Oh thank  _God_ but still  _what the fuck?!_ "

"Take a breath, New Kid." Toolshed shook his head. "You still are freaking out."

Mia sighed, inhaling slowly, holding it, then exhaling just as slowly. "Okay. Okay okay okay. I am very confused. But not scared anymore." She walked to the kitchen. "Jesus, it's everywhere. Hang on, I gotta- I need an Ativan…" She managed to climb onto the counter and open a cupboard. "I normally need one anyway but jesus fuck- I thought someone had like slaughtered a bunch of pigs in my house. Fuck- Fucking- Sorry! Freaking out still."

Toolshed grimaced. "I don't blame you. You must have really pissed someone off."

Mia sat down, still on the counter, filling a clean glass with water and swallowing the small white tablet.

"That list gets longer every day." She sighed, taking another sip of water. "Okay. Okay-okay-okay…" She took several more deep breaths. "Gimme a minute for it to kick in, then I'll be ready."

"Uh… Sure." Stan tilted his head, a little confused.

"It- It's anti-anxiety stuff." She explained clumsily, voice cracking slightly. "I need that stuff or I go fucking insane. I keep hearing like, people talk about how bad medication is but I say make those people spend a fucking week in a cabin with me off my Ativan, see if they still think that…" She took another deep shuddery breath. "I need this stuff to fucking  _function_ properly."

"Hey dude," Toolshed shrugged. "It's what you need, right? Do what you need to do."

"Okay." Mia sat for another minute, before hopping down. "Alright, brain is no longer telling me to panic. Let's get out of here before I get high from the paint fumes."

* * *

Mia was, as usual, the last to arrive in Freedom Pals' base. Everyone was crowded around Timmy's Franchise plan, wide-eyed.

"It's destroyed!" Tweek shouted, finally breaking the horrified lull. "It's-It's ALL GONE, man!"

The franchise plan had been torn to bits, huge pieces ripped out of it.

"Timmy's franchise plan… All that hard work… It's barely readable…" Toolshed whispered.

"They must have come in the night and got past my security grid…" Token lowered his head, almost guiltily.

"Tim-Timmy…" Dr. Timothy was visibly hurt by the sight of his creation, vandalized like this. Even if...

"Who the hell would do this!?" Kyle shouted, eyes narrowing.

"This was someone who wanted to hurt  _us_. Personally."

Mia hesitated, glancing at Timmy. He nodded once.

"Well um…" Mia said, voice awkward. "Actually this…" She sighed. "...Me and Timmy had a feeling something like this might happen. So… Doc had me take some pictures and put them in an online storage thing."

"Wait-" Coon tilted his head. "Does that mean it's okay?"

Mia played dumb. "Pretty much! It still sucks, but the actual plans themself are safe."

"Wow!" Fastpass nodded. "T-that is fantastic! How'd you know!"

"We didn't- but we had a hunch it was a possibility. Timothy already knew I was gonna "Betray" you guys. Telepathy, remember? So instead of having you guys beat me senseless on the spot…"

"...He talked with you in private about it and made  _you_ into his little contingency."

Mia nodded. "Yeah. That's also why we kinda kicked the shit out of each other last night. Had to keep it looking real. So um. Sorry everyone."

"Are you kidding?!" Kyle laughed. "That's fucking great! We still have the plan in place  _and_ the hundred dollar reward!"

"Y-yeah, that's super cool!" Coon smiled. Mia resisted the urge to cackle at him.

A soft beeping suddenly rang from one of the Freedom Pals' computers. Mysterion frowned.

"Yes, Siri."

" **Incoming Video Message."**

"Play the message. Full Screen."

An image came on Screen. Mia instantly darted forward, accidentally knocking several kids aside.

"What the fuck?!" She shrieked.

"Isn't that your parents!?" Toolshed gasped. Mia gripped the edge of a chair so tight her knuckles went white.

It was her parents. In some kind of warehouse, and tied tightly to chairs. Unhurt, but worried.

"What the fucking FUCK?!"

"Heheheh!" A hand came on screen with a face painted on it. "This is a message for Coon and Friends-"

"Oh god dammit." Kyle sighed.

"Looks like I have something the New Kid wants." Mitch Conner's voice hissed. "Luckily, the New Kid has something I want."

"Conner! That son of a bitch!" Everyone ignored Coon's little outburst.

"Care to make a trade, new kid?" The recording chuckled. "Let's make a deal…

"Hey, listen," Her dad glared at the hand. "You're gonna be in big trouble if you don't-"

The hand clobbered him, and then delivered some slaps and flicks across the face. Her dad didn't seem particularly hurt, just mad.

"He  _hit_ me!"

"Get outside and do exactly as I say New Kid. Or you'll never see your parents again. And there'll be more of that."

The message ended. Mia had her back to everyone, but she could hear Cartman's little "urk" as Kyle grabbed him by the collar.

"Where are they Fatass?!"

"Where are who Human Kite?"

"THE NEW KID'S PARENTS!" He shook the fat boy hard. "WHERE ARE THEY?!"

"H-how should I know?!"

"BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING YOU!" Mia turned slowly. She'd never seen such venom in Kyle's eyes. "YOU AND MITCH CONNER ARE THE SAME PERSON AND YOU TOOK THE NEW KID'S FUCKING PARENTS BECAUSE YOU HATE THAT WE MERGED WITH FREEDOM PALS!"

"T-that's not true!" Cartman squealed. "I want this mega-franchise more than anybody! Tell him guys!"

Silence. Not a single person spoke to Cartman's defence.

"You have  _five seconds_  Cartman." Mysterion hissed.

"I'm on your side! New Kid!" Eric whined, looking around at everyone. "You believe me, don't you?!"

Mia said nothing. Her expression was utterly blank. She couldn't process this properly.

Cartman, frantic now, managed to yank himself free of Kyle's grip, shifting quickly, shielding himself behind Timmy's wheelchair and dragging it quickly in front of him until he reached the stairs.

"I'll prove my innocence you assholes!"

"Come on! We gotta get that fat fuck!" Kyle yelled, as they rushed up the steps.

Only Mia, Timmy and Chaos remained at the bottom of the steps. After a stunned moment of silence, Dr. Timothy rolled to Mia's side and focused, staring at her. She felt something strange within her.

" _...There. That should give you the edge you'll need._ " Timothy intoned. " _It seems our plan was partially fruitless. In our efforts to not underestimate Eric… We still have._ "

Mia shuddered.

"...What'd he do?" Butters asked.

Mia's mouth twisted into a wide, crazed smile.

"Just… unlocked some potential."

* * *

With every class a part of her, swatting aside stray Sixth Graders or other foes was, while not a breeze, far easier. She only had Chaos at her side, the others were desperately hunting for the Coon.

"All right New Kid." Conner's voice rang out from her phone. "I'm gonna tell you where to go and you're gonna go there. First one is easy. Go to the place where people get their coffee fix… Better hurry."

Mia hung up but growled. All she had was his orders to go on. She got a text before she put her phone away- from Call Girl. She was trying to hunt down the origin of the calls.

* * *

While Call Girl tried to trace the signal, Mia exited the coffee shop where Conner had been testing her. She had to do as he said to keep his guard low. Her and Professor Chaos were rather startled when a Ninja dropped down- the head ninja.

"You think you can outsmart the City Ninjas?" He spoke, doing some poses with his own sound effects. Mia sighed.

"Don't think you can run… City Ninjas  _always_ have a backup plan." He turned his back to her. "You have made many enemies in this town, vigilante… Now you must face us… AT SAME TIME!" He whirled his blade. "GROUP LEADERS! TINGIDAO MA!"

"SIXTH GRADERS!"

"THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!"

"CRAAAAB PEOPLE!"

"...Wait wait wait, where the other one? The lil' girl?"

"Oh uh, I made peace with the Raisins Girls." Mia shrugged. "Sold a friend into a day of indentured servitude because he wouldn't pay his bill."

"Oh. _Fuck,_  We one short! Oh well! Everyone else still mad at you! Prepare to die!"

It took Mia and Professor Chaos about two minutes to beat them up.

"Seriously." Mia chided. "Fighting all disorganized. Plan next time!" She stormed off, away from the dazed and beaten group.

* * *

"Ha ha… That should just about do it. Sorry Kid. I have what I need. See ya around."

Mia cussed softly. Naturally. Luckily, Call Girl was always ready to help her friend.

"New Kid! I got him. All of his calls have been from the community center. He was alternating between the public phone there and his cellular, that's why it took me a minute."

"Right!" Mia growled. "I'm gonna make him  _cry._ "

"You heard Call Girl, Freedom Pals!" Kite shouted from his line- Mia really needed to get used to this call system where you could call everyone… "Everyone to the community center, now!"

* * *

"Oh my god! Look!"

Yep. Mitch Conner was literally Cartman's fucking hand.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the Freedom Pals and their newest recruit…"

"What have you done with the New Kid's parents, fatass!?" Toolshed revved his drill.

"Nothin' yet. But when I'm finished with you… I can't promise they'll be exactly safe!"

"This has gone far enough. We end this  _now._ " Mysterion growled.

"The only thing about to end is  _you_ Mysterion." The hand chuckled.

"Cartman put your stupid fucking hand down and stop playing games!"

Coon blinked, moving like he was struggling to control his own hand. "W-we have to stop him you guys! He's got all the New Kid's followers right now!"

Kyle placed a fist in his palm. "...All right Cartman. You want us to kill Mitch Conner?"

Mia stepped up, a bloodthirsty gleam in her eyes as she approached.

"...We'll fucking kill him!"

* * *

"...That makes you bleed too!"

"What?!" Mia yelped. All that had happened was Cartman had punched-

"Ow shit!" She cursed, touching the cuts that appeared. "Fucking- owww!"

"God dammit! You cheater!" Kite yelled angrily, hitting Cartman with a laser.

Was that supposed to be "Conner's" power? Just cheating?

Fuck, it was really sucking.

"Oh and now any I damage I take goes back to you."

"Wait, what?!" Kite's eyes widened- "Ow! Dammit Cartman!"

Mia tackled him, grabbing his arms. "FFff-" To her surprise, Cartman managed to wriggle free. He was a lot more slippery than he looked. Mia had to remind herself that despite his weight Cartman could move fast when he needed to.

"This sucks!"

"Gosh, Fellas! I don't even know what I'm aiming at!" Professor Chaos raised his hands, lightning crackling. "His hands-? His body? What?!"

"Don't worry Butters." Mia shook her head. "Just zap 'im!"

* * *

"Where are they?! Where are the New Kid's parents!"

"Heheheh… You'll never know-knowknowwww…."

"Conner no! Shit he's gone!" Coon hissed. He had managed to rapidly wipe the markings from his hand. Surprising bit of sleight for him.

"Come on." Kite growled, grabbing one of Coon's arms. Mia grabbed the other and Mysterion grabbed his cape. "We're taking this fat piece of shit back to base."

* * *

It took some torture- it would have felt horrifically cruel if it wasn't Cartman- but he spilled. Sort of. He was refusing to take the blame- putting it on Conner. But he finally gave in.

"Conner- I think the farts jogged my memory! He said something about making cats more powerful! Yes, that's it! He wants to genetically modify cats!"

Kyle and Stan exchanged a glance.

"The genetics lab…" Kyle murmured.

"Doctor Mephesto."

"Yes!" Coon flailed in his ropes. "That must be it!"

Mia quickly gestured for the Freedom Pals to come close.

"We need to stoop to his level, or he's gonna be harder to deal with." She whispered. "But we need to go there fast."

"Okay New Kid." Tupperware frowned. "But what about… him?"

Mia looked at Coon, speaking calmly.

"We're gonna have to leave you tied up Cartman. Obviously Conner has some kind of power over your body. We can't risk it."

"But I'm the Coon! I can fight him!"

Mia decided to play to his ego. She was still gonna kill him later. But right now, his cooperation was needed.

"Of course you can." She simpered. "But we can't let you put anyone else in danger when you do. After all, a hero as strong as you could do lots of damage… So we'll leave you here. That way you can have a dramatic showdown."

Coon perked up. "Oohh, that makes sense. All right! Conner must have taken your parents to the genetics lab. Save them, New Kid!"

Everyone left, locking Cartman in the basement.

Once they left Token's house, Mia rolled her eyes. "Dumbass."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only way to deal with Cartman is to stoop to his level or beat him to a pulp. The problem is that it's a lot harder to get information out of a mouth of broken teeth.
> 
> Mia's in for a rough night up ahead…
> 
> Leave a comment if you want. Goodnight everybody!


	17. Oh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is seven thousand words long
> 
> im sorry?

Mia sighed. Why was it always her  _ass_ that was either saving everything or at least making everything more convenient? This time she had managed to speed up time with her farts, changing the day to night. And now they were heading into the genetics lab. While they waited for Dr. Mephesto to arrive- he had probably been on an upper floor- Kyle gave her a brief history lesson of the place. It had been in South Park for a very long time- possibly even longer than the town itself had. It had, unsurprisingly, been the crux of a lot of the weird problems that had occurred in the city. It also used to be  _tiny_. But over the years it grew and grew- and what was once a single-man operation was now one of the few things that kept South Park on the map.

The door creaked open and a somewhat elderly man walked out. There was eccentric excitement in his voice. And did his walking stick... have an  _ass_ on it? Okay.

"Oh! Some young people interested in genetic engineering! Wonderful, please come in!"

The crowd of kids entered. It was kind of nice being in such a big group because even with a mask and costume Mia still could sort of blend in. They were shepherded into the lobby. "Well, I am so pleased you children have taken an interested in genetics! Genetic science began as a simple question: Can a monkey be made to have four asses instead of one?"

"I am almost certain that was not the exact question." Mia murmured. "But uh, carry on."

"The answer was yes. And now we've been able to give more asses to pigs, horses, and everything else."

Super Craig raised his hand.

"Yes little boy?"

"How does that help?"

"Ohhh, you're one of the cynics huh?" Mephesto chuckled, amused. "Well, meet me on the tram for the rest of our tour and I'll show you how."

"Has he… always been like this?" Mia mumbled to Stan.

"Not… quite? He's been here a while."

They boarded the tram, which began hissing through the labs. Mia could almost see the application of giving fruits and veggies "asses"- it made them bigger which meant more food, sure. She got a little mad at the weird "animal fusions" though.

"Wh- That's not even-" She bristled, almost as mad as Super Craig was getting. "G-Genes aren't blueprints or legos. There  _are_  no "ear genes" how did-!?" She blinked. "...Did you just staple animal parts to each other?"

Mephesto looked shifty.

"...Nooooo…"

The tram continued through the rooms, until they reached the human experiments. Mia sank deeper into the tram. That was a little too creepy for her to look at, but she did listen.

"Most people don't remember that I once had a young child named Terrance."

"Oh, yeah…" Toolshed perked his head up. "I remember that kid!"

"I was wondering what happened to him." Kyle admitted.

Mephisto's expression shrank just a little, but he still seemed to have that air of eccentric excitement.

"Terrance was killed tragically in town when some kids were messing about with a relic belonging to Barbara Streisand."

Mysterion winced, whispering. "Oh, jeez, I think that was us."

"I'm trying to give his dead body more asses so he can rest in peace. Now, on to the fourth floor!"

Craig rolled his eyes. "Oh, fuck."

It took a while, but finally things went wrong. The genetically modified and violent cats were horrifying, but it only got worse when the lights went out. Emergency power made dim lights flickered on, and Mephesto dashed to a console.

"Oh… Shit. Someone disabled the security grid!"

There was a crackling.

"Hello Freedom Pals."

"Aw, damn it." Mia huffed. "It only worked for a little bit… So much for that plan."

"What are you doing, fatass?!" Toolshed yelled.

"So, you've figured out another part of my little plan, huh? Think you can stop me?" It was strange how easy it was to tell the difference between Cartman's little personas. "Conner" was a little better spoken, and "Coon" was a little more emotional.

"You've been a real pain in my ass new kid. You should have known better than to mess with Mitch Conner."

"Where the fuck are you?!" Kyle roared.

"Mr. Conner," Mephesto pleaded. "If you shut down the security grid, everyone in this building could die!"

"What?!" Craig looked ready to explode.

"Sorry Doc." Conner chuckled. "Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good of the city… So long, Freedom Pals."

There was a pneumatic hiss at the cat cages opened. One remained sleeping, but the rest lunged out, hissing and yowling.

"Agh! M-many-assed cats!" Tweek yelled.

"So glad my cat is still at home." Mia muttered. "I can't believe fatass didn't bother him."

They took a moment to catch their breath, as Mephesto finally got the door open.

"My poor creatures…" He looked down, before snapping back to reality. "We must escape the lab. Maybe… Maybe we can go through some of the larger exhibits. This way, children!"

He led them back to the "mistakes of science" room, but… Many of the glass capsules were busted open. Mephesto's eyes went wide.

"...Mutant Sixth Graders are on the loose. This was definitely  _not_ supposed to happen."

"RAAAGH!  _School's so dumb!"_  Roared a distant, semi-human voice.

Everyone nervously crowded closer together, backs close.

"Guys?" Mia said, her voice cracking. " _Where is that coming from?_ "

"PARENTS ARE DUMB!" Roared another one, out of sight. They heard a distant scream.

"It's okay! We'll be safe in the tour tram! It's far too strong for-" Mephesto frowned. "Oh. Unless the tour tram is offline… Someone needs to get to the CPU to hit the override switch! It's down on the third level. It was silly to put it there wasn't it?"

"Somebody has to  _walk down_ to the third level to override the CPU? 1-2-3 NOT IT!" Toolshed shouted. Before Mia could open her mouth there was a chorus of "Not-its."

"Of course." She sighed.

"Sorry New Kid, but it really should be you anyway." Human Kite said apologetically.

"Yeah, if you think about it this is kinda your fault." Stan said, only semi serious. Mia sighed, shoving him lightly and walking towards the stairs.

"If I die, I'm coming back as a ghost and I'll make your worst nightmares seem like pleasant dreams."

"Wow, hardcore."

Mia was hidden under a table as sixth graders stormed about. Strange amalgamations of humans and other beasts, they roamed, bloodied hands and faces. They seemed to be even  _dumber_ than regular sixth graders, and she was able to wiggle past them. She managed to get an emergency door open- Which should have been openable from  _both sides_ \- but she managed it and the other kids and Mephesto managed to join her, as they continued towards the CPU.

Cartman had somehow tied himself up save his "Conner" fist.

"New Kid!" Cartman called. "You've got to stop him, he's out of his mind!"

"What are you doing here fatass!?" Kyle looked ready to murder.

"Conner brought me here! Sick son of a bitch- Agh!" Cartman used "conner" to punch himself. This was the dumbest puppet show ever.

"Soon this town will be rid of you and ALL the Coon Friends."

"We re-branded idiot." Mia shook her head. "Seriously  _what the fuck_ are you doing?!"

" _We know you're putting cat urine in drugs and alcohol to make people crazy."_

"We wanna know  _why!"_ Call girl huffed.

"Do I  _really_ have to spell it out?! This city is sick. We all know it. There's only one time of year this town is as it should be- on Christmas! So I joined the chamber of commerce and used them to unleash my master plan!"

Click.

He had a  _slide_  ready.

"Wait, wait, wait, clone New Kid into genetic mutant? You  _do_ know that  _always_  backfires horribly in like every comic and movie ever right?"

"Fuck you!" Conner cackled. "It's a sweet plan!"

Mia snapped a quick picture of the plan. It seemed like it could come in handy later. Call Girl shot Mia a subtle thumbs up, and Kyle gave a sneaky approving nod, before turning to face Cartman.

"Dude, you've gone too far this time!"

"Nobody's gonna let YOU be mayor!" Butters agreed- Even if his whole thing was Chaos and disorder, this was too much.

"Oh no? I've got  _all_  the New Kid's followers. Every one of them is following  _me_  now."

Mia cringed. Okay, yeah, that was pretty clever of him. She still had all her followers but the idiots in this town were so easily influenced...

" _Eric. Christmas every day might sound like fun but it really wouldn't be._ "

Conner paused, pretending to consider it.

"Fuck you Timothy." He laughed. A short, harsh laugh. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an election to run!"

The CPU suddenly hissed, sliding downwards.

"Darn it," Mephesto sighed. "Why did I put that thing on a mobilized trapdoor?"

"Why  _wouldn't_ you?!" Craig huffed.

* * *

This was getting to be too much. Everyone was stressed the fuck out, Clyde was bawling in the corner while Toolshed tried to comfort him. Meanwhile, Mia was stuck wiggling through vents and around debris to try and activate the tram on the ground floor. She could  _still_ hear poor Clyde sniffling and whimpering. She would have stuck around to offer him a pat on the back at least, but she was more useful at getting the path clear so she could pull everyone's asses out of the fire.

She tumbled out of a vent and landed with a soft thump in an empty room, and sighed, sitting up and tugging her phone out, not even sure why. She glanced at her messages, taking a moment to catch her breath.

**Dad, if you can read this, I love you. I'll say hi to mom for you.**

Mia flinched. Clyde really thought they were going to die…

Honestly, she wasn't sure either. This place was a deathtrap even without everything going to shit.

Mia pushed on, managing to shove through another door.

* * *

Each door lead closer to her goal. Even if she had to beat up Sixth Graders to open it, or wiggle through a vent, or what have you, Mia managed. She entered a room- "Genetic Extraction" was on the door. Inside-

She gave out a little shout of relief. Her dad was there. Trapped, but alive!

"Ah! Sweetie?!" He called, and Mia rushed over to him. "I-It's me! It's Daddy!"

"D-dad!" Mia yelped, trying to figure a way to open the tube he was trapped in. It was sealed, and the controls seemed to be fried. "W-what's going on? Are you okay?"

Her father took several heaving breaths.

"They're trying to get DNA from your mother and I… You have to get me out of this!"

He jerked his head and nodded at a machine. "That thing- it needs some DNA from one of us! Go get Mommy, sweetie! She's in the next room!"

Mia bolted, and managed with every ounce of strength to force the door open, and gasped in horror. Her mother had been maimed, legs broken and arm partially ripped. Her head snapped up, eyes wide.

"M-mia!" She choked. "S-sixth graders… Came out of nowhere…" She shuddered. "I can't walk, sweetie…"

"D-don't move!" Mia insisted. "Please! I-I can go find help! H-hang on." She grimaced as she pulled her mittens off, wiping some blood from her mother's arm. "T-the door needs… DNA right?"

Her mother nodded feebly, watching Mia dash to the door and with a shudder, held her hands over the console, letting the blood drip in.

 _Insufficient quantity._  The computer screen flashed. Mia gagged.

"...Sweetheart… Listen to me." Her mother called, voice choked. "They- They were going to use a laser to cut off daddy's head… For his DNA… I'm sorry sweetie, but-"

Mia felt bile rise in her throat- it took everything she had not to puke on the spot.

"I heard that!" Her father yelled. "What the  _hell_ is wrong with you?! I didn't tell her to go and kill  _you!"_

"Whatever, Mr. "never wrong in his life"!" Her mother screamed back, then descended into a coughing fit. "Rnghg-! What else can I do!? If I move I'll bleed to death!"

"What, is nothing  _your_  fault?" Her father countered, louder. "I knew  _something_ like this would happen if you kept telling people about our child! It's why I've told you to keep your  _fucking mouth shut!_ "

Mia clutched her head, eyes shutting tight.

"Shut-up-shut-up-shut-up!" She screamed, so loud that it silenced both of them into shock. "Shut  _the fuck up!_ " She slammed both fists into the metal door, tears pouring down her face. " _This is neither of your fucking fault!_ " Mia took several deep shuddery breaths. "This has nothing to do with "them" or any government assholes! This is one person who is  _totally psychotic_  and doing this because of me! Telling people who I am  _had nothing to fucking do with it! The government has known we've been here for a month!_ "

Mia shuddered, taking several gasping breaths.

" _I_ dealt with them! Because apparently  _I just could! So stop this! Stop being- Stop it!"_

Mia collapsed to the floor, on hands and knees, uttering a wailing sob.

"I-" She scrubbed an arm over her eyes. "I can't- I can't do this anymore… I can't. I can't- I don't want to hurt either of you…"

No more words escaped her lips, just airy, shuddery sobs. She struggled to breathe evenly, to speak, or to do anything. She crumpled where she was for a long while, eyes shut tight.

"...Sweetie." Her father's voice was shaking almost worse than hers. "...I-I…" He swallowed loudly.

"...Cut my head off."

"What?!" Mia's eyes snapped up, horrified.

"It's the only way you can get out of here…" He said, eyes watering as he stared at her, dead on. "And-" His voice shook. "And- I'm so, so scared. But I'm less scared of dying than I'm scared of  _you_ dying. So please… Save yourself while you can." He looked around.

"T-there's… It's going to be okay."

Sometimes, being a parent meant that you had to lie.

Mia shambled, almost on autopilot now, stumbling forward. She couldn't speak, her mouth half-open and dry. Her father closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

"I'm proud of you. It's going to be okay."

Mia, hands shaking, shut her eyes, pressed the button and covered her ears tighty.

* * *

She was covered in blood. This wasn't all that new, but-

This wasn't like the other times it had happened.

Mia shambled through a hall, punching a button to reactivate the tram.

She couldn't see right. Everything was blurry and stilted.

Everything felt sick. It was faint and colorless.

"What took you so long New Kid, you just-" Toolshed's snarky remark died in his throat. "What the hell?"

Mia stumbled, nearly falling on her face.

"Whoa, shit!" Mysterion managed to catch her. "Jesus fuck, what happened?"

Mia struggled to lift her head, eyes glazed and blank.

"Shit. He's not talking again." Kyle sighed. "That's probably bad. We have to get the New Kid out of here."

Mia was only semi-aware of the others practically carrying her, head lolling, eyes still wide and blank and expressionless.

"You came all this way just to die, Coon Friends-"

Mia's head snapped up. The fat kid.

Everything went  _red_. In a moment, she was on top of Cartman, shrieking, fingers lashing like claws, fists flailing. Mia, in a berserk, animal fury rained blows on the fat boy, smashing into his face, his throat- he tried to grab at her with a hand and she smashed her full weight down. There was a wrenching crack of bone as she broke his wrist. Cartman  _screamed_  as the crazed, rabid girl unleashed every bit of energy she had- not even bothering to use her powers, fingers tightly grasping around Cartman's neck. He coughed and choked, eyes bulging as she began squeezing life from him-

"Holy shit, he's gonna  _kill_ him!"

Someone yanked her off- she continued flailing, not even knowing who it was, yanking free and rushing towards Cartman again. He raised an arm to block her and she sank her teeth in, through his jacket and into his arm, drawing blood. Again she was yanked off, this time held down. It took  _six_ of them to stop her.

"New Kid! Stop! Wait! What's going on?"

Cartman, wheezing, managed to stand. He was saying something in his "conner" voice, but Mia didn't hear- all she could see was red and all she wanted was to turn the fat boy into a fine paste on the floor.

Then everything shook, and she tumbled to the floor, as the kids were knocked down by the quake.

The world's colors began to go normal. The earth shook again.

" _I'm BAAAAAAAAAAACK!"_

Kyle 2. But giant. Grotesque. Fleshy and swollen. Roaring and bumbling in a deadly manner.

Mia slowly rose to her feet, the bloodshot redness in her eyes fading, head rising. Cartman had escaped. But right now… She had no idea how she could survive THAT...

* * *

"We can't  _beat_ this thing!" Mysterion shouted, dodging a clumsy swing.

"We have to hold off until daytime! His skin can't handle the sun!"

"How we gonna last that long?!"

Mia looked around.

"...I need an AC unit."

"Oh, hey, New Kid's back! You okay?!"

"F-for now." Mia stuttered, legs shaking. "If I can get to an AC unit… I can do the same thing I did earlier."

"There!" Toolshed pointed. Mia nodded, charging towards the unit in the wall, quickly shifting to the fan.

"Oh geez…" She muttered, closing her eyes.

* * *

"ONE LAST FART NEW KID! YOU GOTTA GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!"

Mia gritted her teeth. There was a massive blast.

Mutant Kite 2 was bested. The huge abomination fell, crushing plants and railways beneath him, but thankfully no Freedom Pals.

Mia keeled over, collapsing in a heap. She couldn't do this. Not anymore. Everything hurt. She hurt in places she didn't even know she  _had_. Mia felt someone pulling her up, supporting her weight.

"Jesus, that last fart could have killed him!"

"New Kid! Are you okay?"

Mia opened her mouth, then closed it, eyes low.

Then opened her mouth again, and threw her head back.

"NO!" She shouted. "I am  _not_ fucking okay! How the  _fuck can I be okay?! WHY THE FUCK DID I EVER THINK I WAS OKAY?!_ "

Mia curled into a ball and sobbed. Shaky, shuddery sobs.

A hand rested on her head and she looked up. Call Girl said nothing, just gave her a pat. Another hand rested on her shoulder. One by one, each Freedom Pal placed a hand on her.

"Easy." Call Girl soothed. "We're here to help."

Mia took a deep breath.

* * *

She blabbed. She told them  _everything._ She fessed about her parents still hiding who she was, about her being a girl, about how they'd been growing nearly psychotic in each other's presence, how she'd found them there, how they'd urged her to  _kill the other_  and-

And how she had killed her own dad. How he had told her to cut off his head to save herself. When Mia got to that part she collapsed in a heap, a string of shaking, broken sobs escaping her.

"Holy shit… If I'd know that- That you'd- that you had to-" Kyle shivered, unable to finish the statement. "I would have  _let_ you kill Cartman." Kyle mumbled, horrified.

"The fatass  _dies._ " Kenny growled.

Mia didn't respond, having lost any voice she had. Suddenly, she shoved several kids aside and bent double over the railing at the gardens, retching violently. That had been coming for a while. Mia took a deep breath, and then bent again, puking even harder. She coughed and shuddered, whimpering.

"...We need to get out of here and rat out Cartman." Kyle grimaced. "What time is it?"

"It's- oh no. Oh shit."

"What?"

"She farted us into next week!"

Butters seemed lost.

"...I kinda missed a lot of that, the New Kid's a girl? I mean uh not that there's a problem with that, I just mean uh, I didn't…"

"Not important Butters." Call Girl chided softly. "Wait- if it's next week then-"

"Cartman's been sworn in as Mayor."

* * *

Every phone went off at once. That was eerie. Eerier still though, was when they answered themselves without any intervention from the Freedom Pals. A calm, smooth voice rang out of every phone. It sounded like the auditory equivalent of a 4K image, regardless of the qualities of the various devices.

"New Kid. New Kid, come in."

"Who is that?" Kyle frowned.

"Pretty sure that's Morgan Freeman."

"New Kid," Freeman's voice was as level as ever. "There's been some kind of time-shift anomaly. I can only assume that it came from your ass."

Mia winced.

"Y-yeah. It did."

"Come to the taco shop. We have to fix this."

* * *

Mia was still sort of… shambling. Her feelings were scattered. She barely even knew what was happening anymore. Still, the Freedom Pals were being… fairly patient with her, which helped. She struggled to remain going in a straight line, but eventually, with some literal physical support, they managed to get her to the Taco shop.

"New Kid." Freeman spoke, "Your farts sped up time. We have to somehow… go back, and stop Mitch Conner from ever rising to power." The man turned, and cautiously lifted a plate as if it were a bomb.

"This… is the Seven-Layer Quesarito Beefy Nacho Supreme."

Oh, so… about as dangerous as a bomb.

"The last time someone tried it, they farted so bad it created a wormhole that made time-travel possible."

"Whoa." Mia shuddered.

"I have to warn you- once you eat it… There is no turning back."

Mia nodded. She took the Seven-Layer Quesarito Beefy Nacho Supreme… And ate it. Big awkward bites. She could barely taste anything. Probably shock, some small part of her brain said, but she ignored it.

Her stomach rumbled.

"You have to fart back before Conner became Mayor. You can do it- You just have to believe in yourself…"

Mia gritted her teeth… And let it rip.

"Oh  _shit!_ " Butters yelped- the fart was so bad, Mia began to _glow._

"New Kid!" Morgan Freeman called. "I don't think it's working! Are you sure you're believing in yourself?!"

Mia-

Mia wasn't. How could she?

"Oh no! You didn't believe in yourself?! YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE IN YOURSEEEEEEEEELF!"

* * *

"Ah jeez." Mia muttered, horrified. South Park was in total anarchy. Was  _this_ what Christmas did to this town?

"Oh god!" Mysterion grimaced. "Okay- This is gonna be fine! You just have to try again New Kid!"

Mia nodded weakly. "Okay. Okay-okay-okay… I…" Mia tensed herself, and squeezed her muscles...

Nothing.

"...Ugh… T-too much." She grimaced. "I-I… Sorry guys. I think it was too much in a day…" She shuddered.

"Shit!" Toolshed groaned. "Something must be wrong. Maybe a fractured butthole."

"That's a thing?" Mia frowned.

"Toolshed might be right. We have to get New Kid to a doctor." Mysterion frowned.

"Just be careful New Kid. South Park is a  _really_ scary place on Christmas."

* * *

Mia was always sort of agnostic, but if anything could provide aid against satanists who were also woodland critters it  _would_ be Christ, she supposed. Mia wasn't sure how to pray. Maybe just begging Jesus to send help- to do something- to aid her and more importantly to save her friends, maybe something could-

"New Kid!" Kyle gasped. "Someone's coming!"

Mia's eyes snapped up. Everyone looked, even the critters.

There was a great ball of fire, and then a crash.

"That's not jesus." Mia noted idly, as Santa Claus emerged from his sled, a bit scuffed and bruised, but mostly unhurt.

"...Santy Claus?" One of the critters peeped eagerly. "Well now maybe we can eat his flesh! Hail Satan!"

"Oh, you lil' fuck critters again?!" Santa glowered, pulling a bat out of a present. Mia began focusing her powers. Now things were looking up… Santa didn't even hesitate, swinging his bat and cracking it painfully against one of the critters.

* * *

"Thanks for your help Santa!" Toolshed was spraying his healing spritz on some of the kids' burns.

"You're welcome kids. Now what the  _fuck_  is this all about?!"

"Sorry!" Kyle stuttered a bit. "We're trying to go back in time to fix this, but the New Kid has a fractured butthole!"

"I see…" Santa turned. "You kids get that ass fixed! Santa'll hold off these drunken fuckwads…" He patted his bat into his hand.

* * *

Her ass  _did_ feel better after the trip to the clinic. And she actually took them back in time for once.

Right in the middle of the Stick of Truth fight with the Drow elves. Shit.

She wasn't even sure  _why_  she was fighting herself anymore.

"You just kinda going with the flow too?" She asked her past self, who nodded weakly.

"It seems to be the only option in South Park."

Mia nodded at Past-Mia. "No hard feelings… uh… me."

"Likewise!" The past her grinned, before punching her hard.

 _Wow._  She thought, reeling.  _So that's how it feels when I hit people. Awesome_.

* * *

It was a goddamn hard fight. Beating herself up was  _not_ easy. But, it was done, and they had managed to storm into Cartman's house and up the stairs. The fat kid was dicking around with his Coon costume, and turned, startled when he saw the others.

"Guys? I was just traveling back in time to find you-" He frowned, confused now. "Wait, why you guys… already playing Superheroes?"

"We know what you're up to, Fatass!" Mysterion bellowed.

"Wait, Mysterion? But you're with the Freedom Pals!"

"We're  _all_ Freedom Pals! We're from the future, you fat turd!" Kyle glared.

Mia loudly cracked her knuckles. Coon, undaunted shook his head.

"No,  _I'm_ from the future, I was just coming back to-"

Mysterion lifted him and slammed him into the wall. "WE AREN'T PLAYING ANYMORE! WE KNOW EVERYTHING! SHOW US YOUR LEFT HAND! DO IT!"

"...Huh." Cartman raised his hand. "Hello Freedom Pals. Time Travel. Ain't it a bitch?"

"Conner?" Cartman stared at his puppet. "What the hell're you doing here?"

"Cartman I swear to god if you don't knock that off-"

"It's okay! Because I know something you don't. How to make someone fart super bad by punching them in the solar plexus."

"What? What does that- uhn!"

Mia was instantly knocked forward when she was sucker-punched right in the center of her chest. This fart was weird. It sent her back- but the others were sent forward...

Slowly, Mia sat up.

"Where are we?" Cartman groaned, looking around.

"...This-" Mia swallowed. "This was my room. I… I remember… bits of this… place…"

"We're in the time when a superhero was born." Cartman's Conner persona said. Mia let out a long suffering sigh.

"This is the night New Kid. The night your dad fucked your mom."

"Conner." Mia deadpanned. There was no point trying to argue with Cartman directly. "Coon made that up."

"...What?"

"I never walked in on  _that._  Not on this night."

"But it's your superhero backstory." Coon complained.

"The one you made up. I wasn't a superhero until South Park, remember?"

"Then what happened tonight?"

Mia shook her head, and stealthily followed her younger self.

* * *

"The bad guys!" Conner hissed. "See? Totally the same backstory."

"What?" One of the "bad guys" looked up, because Cartman was really not stealthy.

"Bad guys? Hey, look, man, we're just some followers."

"What?" Coon looked baffled.

"You're the lil kid with like a zillion followers right?" The two men meekly looked at each other. "We thought- well we thought if you could add us, maybe we could have friends."

"Couldn't you please add us? We don't have any followers."

Mia smiled, a bit sadly, watching her past self shrug, and take selfies with the strangers.

"...Just some idiots who wanted to make online friends, and a little kid who gets a stupid number of them for no reason."

"O...kay."

Mia turned. "See that? There's no backstory here. Nothing. I don't even know why I have what I do… I just am."

Cartman looked confused.

"Forget it." Mia sighed.

* * *

"Wait… Who is that?"

Coon had made Conner "escape" and now her parents were very, very confused.

"This is your child from the future."

"Our child from the future?" Her mother's eyes widened. "O-oh. Oh god. Somehow I knew something like this could happen."

"How?" Mia muttered.

"Then… You know we've been lying?"

Mia hesitated. "Kind of. I- Do you know? Why I am the way I am? Why- Why you two, in the future, why you're so scared? Why you fight all the time? Why you made-" She choked, forcing back the words, refusing to say them. "...Why? Why pretend I'm a boy?! Why anything!"

"...You're right kiddo. We've been dishonest." Her dad looked at both versions of Mia, who awkwardly sat on the floor. "But only because we wanted to keep you safe… The truth is… your mom and I… have certain abilities. That others don't have."

Her father looked at his hands.

"One day, I created a facebook profile… and within a few hours, I had over  _three million followers._ "

"My powers are similar. But they only worked on Instagram. My first photo got over four million followers…"

Mia's eyes widened. "And then the government came…"

"Yes." Her dad looked down. "Separately, but we were placed in the same place. In a facility."

"That's where your dad and I met… And… Fell in love." Mia's mom smiled sadly. "...By day, we were experimented on, but at night, we were together…"

Her parents' hands met, squeezing gently.

"You were conceived there. In that lab. And you received  _ten million_  followers the minute you were born."

Cartman whistled, low and impressed. "Wow. That's a lot."

Mia looked down. "And… You escaped?"

"We couldn't let them use you as a weapon. So we fled. We went into hiding." Her father sighed. "But no matter what we do, or where we go… You gain followers, and they could find us again."

"...Not forever." Mia looked up at them. "They- They give up. Eventually."

"It's why we put medicine in your food, sweetie. To try and curb your powers… But since you're here from the future… I guess it didn't work."

"Then… Were the really bad, time-ripping farts just… Side effects?"

"Well…" Her dad mused. "Probably a combination of that and whatever food you've been eating… They just give you really bad farts."

"Ah." That explained a lot, actually.

"I- We're sorry, punk." Her dad looked down. "We should have told you." He looked at the unlit joint in his hand and flinched a bit. "All we did instead was…"

"We just drugged ourselves." Her mother finished for him, setting her glass of wine on the table.

Mia looked down meekly. Her past self was looking around wide-eyed, confused and worried.

"We have to stop." Mia's dad said softly. "We need to stop doing this, or we're only going to make this worse…"

Mia looked up at her parents.

"But I feel… better. To have told the truth."

"Me too honey, I… We can make things better, this time."

"I feel like… the future can be better this time. I believe in us."

Cartman gagged.

"What about you sweetie? Now that you know the truth…" Her mother ignored the boy, staring at Mia. "Do… Do you think you can believe in yourself too?"

Mia looked at her parents. Then at her younger self. Then, she closed her eyes…

* * *

There was a ripple, and Mia and Cartman were deposited in South Park. For a minute, everything moved weirdly, and things glitched and jumped as time shifted, and finally managed to sort itself out with a pop.

"This is… Downtown? Back in South Park!" Coon looked around, eyebrows raised. "...Where is everybody?"

Mia checked her phone. "...Election day. So they're probably all wherever Conner gets sworn in as mayor."

She wanted to kill Cartman but she was too exhausted.

"We can still stop Mitch Conner from being Mayor! Let's do this!" He tore off. Mia cursed softly.

"Rrgh! So fucking fast!" She complained as she limped after him.

Luckily, he didn't get far. Everyone was there. Apparently the time jump had correctly deposited all of them at the right time as well. They blocked Cartman's path.

" _You're not going anywhere you piece of shit!"_ Toolshed threatened, power drills buzzing.

"You're gonna finally admit it! This was all  _you!"_  Call Girl had her selfie sticks out. Everyone was out for blood.

"I am  _not_ on Mitch Conner's side!" Cartman yelped.

" _Stop this!_ " Kyle leapt forward, eyes ablaze. " _YOU ARE MITCH CONNER! ADMIT IT CARTMAN!"_

"No! I am NOT Kyle!"

" _ADMIT IT!"_

" _NO KYLE! I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MITCH CONNER!"_

Kyle  _exploded_. "YOU  _ARE_ MITCH CONNER, YOU'VE ALWAYS  _BEEN_ MITCH CONNER AND YOU BETTER STOP  _RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"_

"...Then how do you explain this, Kyle?"

Mia's mouth dropped open in utter confusion. It was the same voice, sure, but it was… On  _Kyle's_ hand.

"...Well well well, the plot thickens!"

"...That's not funny Kyle."

Kyle stared at his hand, baffled and freaked out. "...I'm  _not_  doing it."

"Dude,  _fuck you._ " Cartman growled.

"What's the matter Coon? Shoe's on the other hand?"

Mia was extremely confused now and a little freaked out.

"Kyle,  _fucking knock it off!"_

Toolshed looked even more confused than Mia was. "Why are you pissed at  _him?!_ "

"Because he's fucking making it up that's why!"

Mia let out a frustrated sigh. "You gotta be fucking kidding me…"

"I'm not making it up dude!"

"That's your fucking hand asshole stop trolling me!"

"How is he trolling you Coon?"

Mia let out a frustrated little screech.

" _Could somebody tell me what the fuck is happening?!"_

* * *

She wasn't sure how, but they were fighting. Kind of. Human Kite had Mitch Conner on his hand. Maybe? Either way this was weird. Cartman lunged for kite, claws flailing. At first, it seemed effective, but then he straightened.

"New Rule: Any damage I take goes to the Coon."

"What?!"

Cartman reeled suddenly, slashes appearing on him. "Ow, fuck!"

"The bleeding too."

"OW! What the-  _stop that!_ "

" _This whole turn of events has boggled even my giant brain!_ "

"So who's it gonna be Freedom Pals? Me? Or the Coon?"

"I'm pretty open to hitting either of you right now." Super Craig grunted, running forward and headbutting Kyle into Cartman.

"Ow!" Cartman stumbled back.

"You meant to hit the Coon right?"

"Fucking- God dammit you cheating son of a bitch!" Cartman wailed, rubbing his newest bruise. "God… Goddamn you guys! This isn't fair!"

"I'll say." Cartman's left hand rose. "Well, well, well, good to see you again, Mitch from an alternate universe."

"Oh god fucking dammit." Kyle sighed, rolling his eyes. Great, this was just gonna keep going, wasn't it?

"Which hand is Mitch? God I feel stupid for saying that." Call girl sighed.

"Fuck it! Just beat up whoever's closest!" Mia shouted, punching Cartman hard.

"According to further calculations that didn't count." Suddenly he was gone and Kyle was standing there. Mia, who had been flinging another punch, nailed Kyle hard.

"Ooh, sorry? I think?" Mia winced.

"Agh! This is getting fucking retarded…"

" _I agree. The only way to end this is to defeat both of them_."

The air was filled with a low humming.

"...Wait, what?"

"Wait-wait-wait-"

" _I call no cheating._ _ **Go.**_ "

The Freedom pals surrounded the pair.

"Shit." Cartman and Kyle whispered simultaneously, as the ring of kids slowly approached...

* * *

Dude… Dude  _enough_ already! You  _have to drop it!_ " Cartman begged Kyle.

"You drop it… fatass…" He hissed.

"These guys are just gonna keep kicking the shit out of us if you don't tell them you were fucking with me-!"

"Yeah, dude, if you're making it up you have to tell us." Stan shook his head.

"If I was making it up… then so was  _he!"_

"Kyle I already fucking know you're both making it up!" Mia shouted, bristling, fists tightly clenched. "I do not have the patience or energy to deal with this! Both you fuckers own up before I get my hands on you!  _They won't even find your bones and will chalk it up to a polar bear attack!_ "

The boys cringed.

"Alright!" Cartman shouted, still heaving for breath. "We'll both admit it… at the same time… On three, we'll both say "I was just fucking with you!" Fine?"

"Fine."

"Okay fine… One… two… Three…"

"I was just fucking with you- wait, shit!"

Coon cackled and bolted, leaping the fence and dashing to the town square.

Mia patted Kyle on the back. "Don't worry. We'll still go kick the shit out of him."

* * *

Mia was glad she had the picture of Conner's Plan. Call Girl uploaded it to Coonstagram, revealing Cartman- or at least revealing that Mitch was evil? Whatever. It got everyone to not want him as mayor, and it got Cartman to finally fucking kill his Mitch Conner persona. After everyone abandoned Cartman, the Freedom Pals beat the  _shit_ out of him for a solid half hour until they were too tired to hit him anymore, and went home.

Mia shambled to the house and opened the door, exhausted but something put a huge smile on her face.

Her parents. Alive and well. Nuzzling and cuddling like she remembered them doing in the past.

Remembering. Mia could remember things now. That was nice. Not everything, but important things like that.

Although she could do without them  _banging so loud that she could hear it from downstairs, Jesus Christ._

She wasn't sure when Butters got there though.

"Ha ha ha…" He was in full Professor Chaos mode now. "...Did you really think you could stop bad things from happening? Don't you see that Chaos always catches up with you?"

Mia raised a brow, not wanting to interrupt- he was doing a pretty good job.

"You tried being a hero… Why not let your… darker side free?" He was clearly resisting the urge to break into a smile. "There's only one truth in this life New Kid. No matter what you do… How hard you try to change the past… Your dad will have  _always_ fucked your mom."

He finished it off with a quiet evil laugh. Mia waited until he was done to applaud with a little golf clap.

"Okay sorry for breaking character but that was pretty good." She approved.

"Thanks!" Butters was back to normal right away. "So… Are you okay?"

"Hm… No? Yes? Dunno. It's jumbled. I need like, a 10 hour nap and a day off." Mia admitted. "But… I think things will actually  _be_ okay for once." She grinned. "As for the whole "joining Chaos" thing… Hm… How about… a split personality? Hero sometimes, Villain other times. Both sides not aware of the other!"

Butters grinned. "Wow! That's pretty great!"

* * *

They brainstormed for a while while Mia waited for her parents to quiet down, even doodling a few pictures and logos. Eventually though, Butters headed home to avoid risking a grounding (he might be semi-ungroundable, but that didn't mean he should risk it) and Mia headed to her room, collapsing on her bed with her phone.

She had a lot of catching up to do on messages. Most of them were posts she didn't need to respond to, or texts regarding superhero work she'd been too busy to read. She did have one from Annie, though.

" **Are you ok?"**  It read. " **You've been acting really out of it for a while at school."**

Mia sighed, texting back.

" **It's a long and very weird fucking story."**

There was a pause.

" **That's pretty much every story in South Park."**

Mia cracked a little smile. A weak, awkward smile.

" **...Guess I fit right in, then. I'll tell you in person tomorrow. It's not really a "text" story. And I'm kind of exhausted."**

* * *

Mia lay in bed for the rest of the day. Not really sleepy, just worn out. She had taken a moment to put on a few bandages and to ice some bruises, but now she was just on her back, staring at the ceiling.

What a strange month and a half.

She'd been a boy, a fantasy warrior, a superhero, a time-traveler, and now she was a villain. Well, half-villain.

On a whim, Mia opened her character sheet on her phone.

**Superhero Name: The Amazing ButtLord, AKA Douchebag, ButtHole.**

**Alias: Mia Flynn**

**Gender/Sexuality: Homosexual Cis Female**

**Race/Ethnicity: Mixed**

**Alignment/Religion: Chaotic Agnostic**

**Kryptonite: Pretty Girls**

**Power Source: Heart**

Mia paused. That last one… She hadn't changed it from what Coon had set it as… When did that happen? She stared at it.

Heart, huh?

She'd take it.

Her eyes lowered to something on the screen. A single button. "Share."

If she clicked it,  _everyone_ would know who she was. Everyone would know she had been posing as a boy for the past month or so. All the people of South Park she hadn't told...

Her thumb tapped the share button.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, THAT was a thing huh??
> 
> Anyway, this is NOT the end of the story. It is the end of that particular "arc" though. I might do stuff with the DLC but I dunno. Maybe I won't. But y'know. This is a hell of a fun story to write. And while it's not the ending as such it is a satisfying lil conclusion to that part of it, I believe.
> 
> Next time: Mia adds to her villain persona (secretly) and awkwardly tries to explain the weirdest fucking month of her life.


	18. A Much-Needed Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a wind-down. Mia needs a break and some nice stuff to happen to her.
> 
> (And I needed a small, easy chapter to work through.)

Mia awkwardly sat in Annie's room. The girl had cornered her after school, clearly a little worried about Mia- They hadn't had much time to talk the past week, despite being relatively close friends and a  _lot_ had happened in a very short span of time. After getting dragged along to the girl's house, Mia ended up telling Annie the entire tale- from the more benign beatings of bullies and rescuing cats, to the horrific- although she was a bit evasive when it came to specific details on the worst parts.

"So… Uh..." Annie paused, processing Mia's story. "...Where do we even start?"

"What about… the easy stuff?" Mia suggested. "Like me pretending to be a boy. Rather talk about that then most of the other things that've been going on..."

"Hm." Annie pursed her lips, studying Mia's face. "I'm kind of amazed I didn't realize earlier. I just assumed you were a "pretty" boy, if that makes sense…"

Mia giggled nervously. "I've heard that a few times…"

Annie chuckled. "Well… I dunno, you definitely look more like a girl than a boy. Maybe it's just because I know, now."

Mia grinned. "I'm just glad everyone's taking it so well? I mean Cartman's pissed but fuck him. I don't care."

"Why wouldn't we take it well? It's not like you were really given a choice anyway." Annie shrugged. "But I'm surprised you didn't tell me earlier..."

Mia winced. "Yeah… I was being dumb and anxious for a while. For some reason I had the idea in my head that everyone would… I dunno, be pissed that I was quiet about it… Anxiety is a bitch like that."

"Aw, I wouldn't have been mad!" Annie laughed, giving Mia a gentle nudge. "Maybe a little sad that you felt like you needed to hide it from me…" She tangled a finger through her blonde curls. "But I'd have got over it."

"Glad to hear it I guess." Mia hugged her knees. "I did-" She paused and laughed. "Oh I made some girls very uncomfortable though it seems. A couple of girls had uh, flirted a little. Not knowing that I was both a girl and a gay one at that. So…"

"Oh god!" Annie giggled. "Those poor girls!"

Mia fiddled with her bracelet. "Yeah. Most of them took it pretty well, but a few have been avoiding me. I don't blame them."

"Well… I mean the attention was probably nice." Annie teased, nudging Mia. "You had girls hitting on you, after all."

"Nah. It was just really awkward. I'd rather a girl actually be aware that I'm a girl before they hit on me." Mia squirmed. "Besides, I'm not aware of any other girls in South Park who'd actually be into girls. It's just awkward and weird." She sighed. "And it makes my anxiety flare up to think about that stuff too much. Makes me feel like all I'm good at is hurting people who deserve it and getting followers on social media."

"Oh don't be that way!" Annie huffed, fists on her hips. "You can probably do loads of things!"

"Name em." Mia deadpanned.

"You managed to get those papers from the clinic for the other girls! Didn't you say you had to disguise yourself as a doctor or something?"

"I guess… Huh, a talent for disguise, maybe."

"And you're pretty creative. You're making that whole villain persona thing."

"I feel like I subconsciously ripped that off from somewhere though." Mia admitted. "Also, I don't have a costume for her yet. Or a name. Just like a vague concept."

Annie shrugged. "Oh don't worry about it. You'll come up with something. I mean, didn't Craig just tape an "S" to his shirt?"

Mia giggled. "Yeah, he didn't care enough to do much else."

"And!" Annie raised a finger. "You make real friends pretty fast too!"

Mia shrugged awkwardly. "I guess I'm also good at getting into trouble and making people uncomfortable." She let out another nervous laugh. Annie puffed her cheeks, frustrated.

"Damn it, Mia, I'm trying to tell you you're not a total failure and that you're a decent person! Stop undermining me."

Mia cackled a little, but she was blushing a little. "Decent isn't that bad I guess…" She looked at her hands awkwardly. "...I guess things aren't that terrible. I have friends. I have good friends. That's worth something."

"That's the spirit!" Annie patted her shoulder. "So… Can I change the subject and ask you something?"

"Mhm?" Mia tilted her head.

"So… you… like girls?" Annie gave her hands a clumsy wiggle. "How did you… figure that out?"

"Oh, geez." Mia flustered, giggling nervously. "I guess uh… I don't remember when exactly but… I guess it's just a thing that happened. I never got crushes on boys, y'know? Only girls. And my parents never really minded that stuff so it was always normal." Mia chewed her lip. "I didn't realize that not everyone thought that way until... uh… Don't remember when. But I remember getting into a fight because of it."

She grinned. "It was a tie, for sure. Gave as good as I got."

"So it wasn't like, any one girl?"

"Not really? I mean I assume it's different for everyone." Mia shrugged. "I mean, I'm the only uncloseted lesbian I know..." She tossed her hands up. "So fuck it, y'know? I just have always been out of the closet. Never needed a person to act as a closet key or whatever." She paused, grinning toothily. "Why'd ya ask? You're not having gay thoughts are ya?"

Annie flushed. "What? No!"

Mia cackled, and Annie lightly punched her shoulder.

* * *

Mia had doodled a villain logo at least. A butterfly. She also had some doodles of ideas for costumes. She kept coming back to that motif. Butterflies. She wasn't even sure why at first, but then it clicked. It was a goddamn pun. A multilayered pun, however. The obvious was "Butterfly-Butters" but then there was also the butterfly effect in Chaos theory.

So there was that but she couldn't think of a good name. It was hard to sound intimidating with a butterfly-themed name…

Chaos… Disarray… Words for chaos. Madness. Instability. Unpredictability. Discord. Maybe something like a pun of Eris, the goddess of Chaos and Destruction? Apple of Discord? Nah, too long. Bit of a mouthful... Maybe she could-

Maybe... Yeah... She could work with something like that...

Next came the costume-

She had to actually design the thing. As a follower of Chaos it needed tinfoil somewhere. She eventually settled around the wrists, like gauntlets. As for the costume, maybe she could try her own color scheme? Purple was a chaotic color right? Purple and black? Perfect. Purple shirt with a large black butterfly in the center with some stripes around it. Decent. Needed a little work. Also, to hide her identity, a cape and a mask… Perfect.

Now she just needed to figure out how to put it all together. Also, she needed to do an evil laugh and create a bit of a character. Still, she had a good start.

Now she just had to actually make the damn thing.

Mia sighed.

* * *

Life in South Park had a way of "returning to normal". Well, slightly closer to normal than it had been. It was only gonna be temporary- and the place was always weird of course, but this was a much more comfortable kind of insanity- the sort that was easier to become inured to. Get up. Go to school. Play with friends. Go home. Go to bed. Repeat.

Mia was honestly relieved. She really needed the rest. With less insanity going around, Mia could actually spend her nights asleep, instead of darting about the streets. It wasn't always Superheroes of course- they just happened to take superheroes way more seriously than the other games because there was actual franchise stuff included.

Timmy had been working on their plan more- having tossed out Cartman's parts, unless the fatass could somehow prove himself capable of not being a prick for a while.

Weirdly, Cartman didn't seem too mad about it. He had moved on and decided to try and create his own stuff. The kids kept an eye on him, just in case, but for now, he wasn't causing havoc. Mia's urge to kill him on sight actually sort of began to wane- he wasn't worth it. He was a pathetic egotist who was incapable of realizing when he had done anything wrong.

It was rather like she was holding a wounded insect and the energy she'd expend killing it far exceeded the satisfaction that its demise could bring her.

Despite some people occasionally slipping up out of habit, it was also cool being called her name for once. Sometimes people still affectionately called her "The New Kid" but it was beginning to fade a bit, as after a little more than a month, she wasn't as "New" as she had been.

The only thing that was a little confusing at first was where the hell she was supposed to go at lunch. Sometimes she sat with the girls, sometimes with the gang of boys who had initially befriended her. Sometimes, on a whim, she'd just find a quiet corner and sit there. She was hardly a gentle or lonely sort, but sometimes you just wanna eat alone.

And while her friends were all pretty nice and cool, dear god they never shut up.

Life was pretty good though, overall. School was fine. Classes felt… kind of worthless, but it also meant it was easy.

And there was something really liberating about walking out after the final bell rang. She did occasionally get in trouble for beating up bullies, but ultimately, it was never anything too serious. She saved most beatings for after school, anyway.

There was a problem though.

And that it was a really small one. Nothing too serious.

Mia, without all the distractions of her life, with her parents not fighting, and sleeping regularly, she was realizing that she had time for two things that she hadn't before and they were starting to consume her a bit.

One was that she was beginning to actually feel the effects of the trauma she had suffered- time travel may have made it so nothing bad had actually happened to them but… She couldn't get the image of her parents, begging her to kill the other. And the sounds and the blood and the searing heat of the laser and  _oh god that horrible burning smell._

Mia shook her head violently, snapping out of the nastier thoughts- she focused hard on the fact that she had  _fixed_ that. She had  _fixed_ it and helped them  _get better_. She would go home today and her mom and dad would be there, and they'd be happy and they'd have a quiet, comfortable dinner together, and things were going to be  _okay_.

Slowly, this firm, almost violent insistence on things being fine managed to clear her head and she felt better again.

The other, much less important, but still relevant distraction, was that Mia was starting to notice what she would refer to as her own "gay thoughts" more. She couldn't help it. She kept noticing little things about girls. How nice one girl's skin was, or how pretty another girl's eyes were… This one was cute, that one had a nice voice. It had never been so prevalent- even before South Park, it never was to the point of distraction, but now, it was getting kind of ridiculous.

But, problem was, who in the hell was she supposed to talk to about these things?

* * *

After a particularly bad dream, Mia finally caved and posted a message about these strange flashbacks in the chatroom used by Freedom Pals. It felt like a safe place to turn.

**"I think I need help- I keep seeing… bad stuff that happened. Either having dreams or focusing on shit- I thought maybe since everything's better now that I'd be okay but somehow it's making it worse in my head and I think I'm going insane and I need help but what the fuck would i even say to a therapist? "Hi my names mia and i killed my dad in an alternate timeline and can't stop seeing it".**

There was a pause. Kenny was the first to respond.

**"That sounds like it wouldn't go over well. As much as it sucks ass that you're going through that I don't think you should tell a psychologist that you time-traveled."**

**"Noooo. Really?"**  Even through text, Mia's sarcasm could be felt.

" **You can always talk to us!** " Butters typed. Even though he wasn't technically a Freedom Pal, he was still included in the chat. He was considered part of the franchise, if not part of the superhero team.

Mia cracked a smile at his message. Leave it to Butters to be encouraging.

" **Thanks guys. I can't talk about _all_  my problems to you though."**

 **"That's kinda ominous Mia."**  Stan responded.  **"Just let us know if like, you start having flashbacks or start thinking about doing anything that might just make things worse."**

**"I'll try. Although just having a distraction seems to help?"**

**"Speaking of distractions, you kept seeming to space out in school. What gives?"**  Kyle asked curiously.

Mia cringed, but reluctantly explained. She'd said it herself- not talking about things would only make them worse. No point in making herself a hypocrite.

 **"I'm just being a lot more gay than usual."**  She admitted.  **"Anyone have like a nervous thing they do when they see someone attractive? Because I just kind of start spacing out and thinking about like one specific nice "attractive" feature."**

 **"Stan used to throw up whenever he was in love.** " Wendy answered almost instantly.

**"Please don't remind me. So embarrassing."**

**"How many times has he puked on you so far?"**  Kyle jumped the "time to tease Stan" bandwagon almost right away.

 **"A few."**  Mia could almost hear Wendy sigh. " **It's become almost endearing."**

" **Okay we can stop talking about me throwing up now."**

 **"You could always follow the Craig school of thought if you're having problems in general."**  Craig typed.  **"It's easy. Rule one: Never give a fuck about anything. Rule two: Always give a fuck about Tweek."**

Mia giggled.

**"That's a bit too Craig-centric I'm afraid. I have too many fucks to give to not give any fucks at all."**

**"I don't see why it's a problem."**  Kenny typed.  **"I get distracted by chicks all the time. Not as bad as Clyde though."**

**"I'll have you know I haven't been to Raisins all week!"**

**"It's only Tuesday."**

**"Eh, still not bad for him. I'll be impressed if he can make it to Thursday."**

**"As long as you can curb your spending habits. I'm not gonna dig your ass out of the fire anymore."**  Mia typed, grumbling to herself. At least after she'd forced Clyde to pay his tab, she herself got a bit more popular.

 **"The wings are still really good."**  You could just see Clyde looking awkwardly at his feet.

 **"We all know that isn't why you go there."**  When even  _Scott_  knew that, it was clear that you had a problem.

 **"Clyde's weakness to Raisins aside, I'm pretty sure it's at least a little less weird for him.** " Mia's mouth twisted into a frown.  **"Why'd this just start happening _now?_ "**

Nobody seemed to be offering an answer, so she sighed and continued..

 **"I have no fucking clue."**  Mia finally put in the main chat.  **"Everything is different and weird. It's kind of nice though because most things are also better. The fact that these are my worst problems is kind of a good thing in a fucked up way. So I'll just use the fuck-it adjustment, y'know?"**

**"Does that involve anything more than I think it does?"**

" **Nope! Anyway. Is anything interesting happening? I've spent the last few days doing almost nothing but staying home and playing with my cat."**

 **"We have a week off school at the beginning of next month!"**  Butters seemed excited. Mia couldn't blame him. A week off from school would be a nice chance to try and sort things out a bit in her head.

 **"Oh and Jimmy and Timmy are going to camp.** " Token added. **"We won't be able to work much on the franchise stuff without them."**

 **"Oh right. I remember Jimmy being pretty excited about that."**  Mia leaned back in her chair. **"...Fuck it. I'm gonna just play with my cat and pretend my problems don't exist for a while. Later."**

* * *

Mia did indeed play with the cat. She'd given the fuzzball a few different names. Currently she was calling him "Bean". It suited him- he was just scrawny and small, and very light. He had got his shots at the vet, a new collar, and was fairly neat and clean- her parents did force her to try and find an original owner, but without any luck, they let her keep him. He was definitely a housecat before he'd been snatched by Cartman's lackeys, because he was already litterbox trained and everything.

He was also really cuddly and kept snuggling up to her even when it wasn't playtime. She watched him chase a feather on a stick with a small smile, flitting it about… The cat was also not very well balanced. He kept falling over and was incredibly uncoordinated.

"Jeez," She giggled, as he flopped over again, harmlessly. "You're awfully clumsy huh? Hm. Wonder if you've got some brain problems." She scooped the cat up and held him above her slightly. He stared back, tongue poking out of his mouth a little.

"...Yeah, probably. You're still pretty cute though." She snorted, setting him down and watching him totter about. "...Or you're  _super_  drunk. That's possible too."

* * *

Mia wasn't sure when her dad had taught her to hand-sew, but it was a pretty nifty skill- if her favorite clothes ever got frayed or torn she knew how to fix it.

But this wasn't "fixing".

This was making something new.

Mia grinned toothily, as she stitched the black butterfly to the purple fabric. She added a little to the general design, but it was mostly quite plain. She shifted, tugging the top over her t-shirt and studying it approvingly.

"Heheh…" She chuckled, giddy, as she studied herself in the mirror, slowly pulling a mask onto her face. Two tinfoil "bracers" around her wrists, and a cape. Finally, she undid her ponytail, letting her hair cascade about her head before re-tying it into pigtails.

"...South Park's gonna get a new villain in town~" She hummed, grinning wider.

"...And her name's  _Discordia_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As hinted, before Mia gets a chance to be evil, she'll be visiting a certain camp pretty soon.
> 
> I can't imagine she'd be a particularly effective villain, but she'd have fun.


	19. Crunch Time: Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mia's got her work cut out for her down this road...
> 
> This one, compared to the others, is pretty short. Enjoy.

When the bus arrived at the outskirts of the camp, it was early night. Mia hopped off with a sigh. Jimmy had practically begged for help- apparently something bad was going on, and nobody else was able to help out. Ordinarily, it was a summer camp for kids with a variety of disabilities, but they had decided to open for Spring Break, and Jimmy, being an avid fan of the campground and camp activities, eagerly chose to go. However, something went wrong obviously, and he had called everyone, frantically pleading for someone to help him or "camp would be shut down".

So, she bit the bullet. She could spend a day or two at the Lake and help deal with whatever the problem was. Wasn't like she had much better to do other than plan Discordia and hang out with friends. Seemed like she'd have to walk the rest of the way though- the bus had only taken her to the outskirts of the camp, to a gas station. It was a bit run down, and there was only one other person there. An older man, leaned up, watching her, but remaining silent, eyes occasionally flitting to the road that lead up to the camp.

 _Let me guess…_  Mia thought, noting the odd stare he had, and the way he was standing there.  _He's gonna tell me not to-_

"I know what you're thinkin'." The man drawled. "You're thinkin' "He's gonna tell me not to go down that road.""

Mia winced. Either she was really predictable or he gave this speil to everyone he saw.

"Well. You're right."

Oh. Okay. Yeah, It was the latter. He was just a nutty old guy. Mia turned away from him with a drawn-out eyeroll and headed toward the camp. Lake Tardicaca.

Something told her that the general weirdness that loomed around South Park was going to follow her here. Mia sighed. She had the feeling that it was infectious- spreading outward from the town, filling the world with its madness.

"Still gonna go down that road, huh? Well, it was nice knowin' ya."

She rolled her eyes even harder and approached the entrance to Lake Tardicaca.

* * *

"Butthole!" Fastpass was there to greet her. "You came! I was beginning to think  _no one_  would show up."

"Yeah, sorry's just me- Everyone else seemed too busy to-" Mia began, but was cut off by a flash of light and a rolling thunder… And a wild cackle.

"MWAHAHAHAH!" Professor Chaos leapt out with a flashing light that made a booming thunderous sound. "Sounds like you two could use a little…  _Chaos!_ "

Mia gave a polite little golf clap at his entrance.

"Professor Chaos!" Fastpass looked surprised and impressed. "You came to help? I guess villains aren't all that bad!"

"No, I-I'm still  _pretty_ bad. I just wanted to try out my new lightning simulator! Pretty cool, huh?" He beamed, flashing the simulator as it boomed.

Mia nodded appreciatively. "Beats my entrance. I got off a  _bus._ "

"I'm s-sure someone could make a bus entrance work well... If they had good enough background music..."

Before they could continue their talk about entrances, a sudden loud hum echoed through the air. Mia blinked, and looked up.

"What the hell?" Mia frowned, shading her eyes against the light of the moon, and something streaking through the sky.

A bright pink glowing meteor was falling at high speeds.

"It's comin' right for us!" Butters squeaked.

"E-everybody take- e-everybody take cov- every-  _GET THE FUCK OUT THE WAY!"_

The trio scattered, Mia diving behind a fallen tree for cover as the pink glowy meteor crashed into the ground, hard.

Slowly, the three kids peeked out from their cover. Standing there was a… very strange looking kid. He was very… pink and green. And also smelt very refreshing. Like mint. And… fruit. Berries maybe.

Oh. Wait. Hadn't the other kids mentioned something about mint and berries before? The sentence also had contained "Cartman" and "Cthulhu", so... More South Park insanity it seemed.

" _SHABLAGOO!"_  He twirled and pointed to the sky. "It is I! Your old pal, Mintberry Crunch!"

"I uh, haven't met you yet." Mia mumbled but was promptly ignored. Although it didn't seem to be out of malice.

"I picked up your distress call from the berry mines of my home planet and came to offer my assistance!" He grinned at Fastpass and Chaos. Apparently they were well acquainted.

Mia shrugged. "Team of four, then? Sounds good to me. So, what's goin on Fastpass?"

Jimmy got straight to business. "As of 0600 this morning, the second day of camp,  _all_ of the counselors went missing." Fastpass furrowed his brow intently. "

"That's weird as hell." Mia noted deadpan. Fastpass nodded.

"If the counselors can't be found, the camp will be shut down!" He looked devastated by the thought. "And I won't be able to come during this Summer, probably!"

"Geez. Guess we better start looking…"

* * *

Mia's lips were pursed tightly as she studied the mess around the camp. Were those… blood spatters? Fastpass seemed to think it was red paint. Considering what had happened at her own house, Mia supposed it could have been. It shimmered, still damp, and she began following the trail, Professor Chaos nervously wandering behind her.

"This feels weird and bad." Mia grumbled. "This feels like either a dumb prank or a setup for a really obvious horror movie."

"Over here!" Fastpass called. "The paint trail stops here. The counselor's must have buried the empty cans here for some kind of activity…"

"What does this have to do with the missing counselors?" Butters wrung his hands.

"Good question maybe we should ask those monsters over there-  _monsters?!"_

Mia's head snapped up. They were surrounded by tall, horrific monstrous figures. People in costumes? Actual monsters? Who could tell in a crazy world like this? The four kids took on a fighting stance. The monsters fanned out, making nasty chuckling sounds. There was a wolfman, a pumpkin-scarecrow thing, some kind of demon person...

There was a sudden gust of air, and Mia felt a strange refreshing sensation. Cool and pleasant.

"Eh?" She looked around. Mintberry Crunch had vanished, but she was surrounded by a strange glowy light. Suddenly, the pink-and-green hero crashed down, a pinkish glow surrounding the monsters.

"Mint cancels out Berry!" He declared. Mia blinked in shock as one of the monsters swung at him, but stumbled, the blow having no effect.

Mia grinned. Time to break some legs.

* * *

"Shit!" One of the foes cursed, backing away, clearly battered by the storm of supersonic punches, electromagnetism, fresh berry flavor, and just an all around beating. "We need to bring in the big guns!  _RELEASE THE BOOTAY!"_

"Wait, what?!" Mia shrieked.

The earth shook. "Guess who's back honey?!"

"What the  _fuck_ are you doing here!?" Mia and company began to retreat, forced to fall back deeper into the woods as the monsters and the massive form of Spontaneous Bootay approached.

"My powers of Mint and Berry cannot possibly freshen an ass of that size!"

"What the  _fuck_  is she  _doing here?_ "

"We have to get outta here!" Butters shouted, quickly drawing up his device to sow discord among the monsters, buying the kids some time to flee from the earth shaking steps.

" _WHAT. THE FUCK. ARE YOU. DOING HERE?!_ " Mia roared, fleeing backwards, hurling any power she had.

"Get to the Cabin!"

The group bolted, full speed, diving inside, just feet away from the nearest monster, slamming the door behind them. They barely made it- the door shook and rattled, but the hastily put-together barricade managed to hold them off for the time being.

"Oh my god!" Butters trembled like a leaf. "We're trapped! They're gonna  _kill_  us!"

"Butters! G-get ahold of yourself!" Fastpass sounded just as terrified. "We're gonna make it out of here!"

"My alien powers seem to have little effect on the enemies." Mintberry leaned against the barricade, holding it steady against the door. "I must be weak from my intergalactic travels… your kind call it "Jet lag"."

Mia paced, nervously. "Jesus, every horror movie villain and a giant pissed off stripper are out there."

The whole building shook slightly and everyone cringed.

"We're trapped in a cabin in the woods, like the chick at the end of every horror movie."

"Oh, yeah, the girl who lives at the end, right? The one who murders the villain super hard?" Mia nodded.

"Right. No matter how dire the situation, the Final Girl in a horror movie always wins!" Mintberry jumped as something pounded on the door angrily.

...Final girl… horror movie… in a cabin… A shed, really…

Filled with the kinds of tools you'd use for logging and gardening and forestry.

Mia's worried expression slowly turned into a horrific, wide smile.

"These fuckers wanna turn this into a horror show, huh?" She mused, as she picked up sawblades, a set of razor-sharp shears, a hefty sledge, her firecrackers (She had  _so fucking many_ of the stupid things) and… A large, fully-fueled chainsaw. Sticking bits and pieces together, she had crafted deadly, rather sadistic weaponry.

" _I'll give them a fucking horror movie!"_

* * *

The roars and yells of the monsters were suddenly overshadowed by the roaring rev of a chainsaw.

"Ooh." she chuckled, as her friends rapidly moved the barricade aside. "Got quiet all of a sudden."

"Lead the way Final Girl!" Mintberry saluted.

Butters was still shaking. "I-I dunno, guys, maybe we should stay here."

"J-jesus, sack the fuck up, Butters!"

Mia kicked the door outwards, her makeshift chainsaw-buzzsaw-axe weapon roaring violently.

Bootay and the monsters  _scattered._  There was no way in  _hell_ they were gonna try and face off against a crazed, furious nine-year-old with a weapon like that.

"Wow! The Final Girl is kinda scary." Mintberry shuddered.

Mia giggled. "That's the point!"

* * *

Eventually, they managed to corner and beat one of the monsters into submission. He was unconscious, bruised and bleeding pretty bad. Fastpass shook him, failing to recognize the first part.

" _Where are the missing counselors-"_ He paused, as the man's face was revealed. "...It's not a real monster. Just some guy in a mask."

"Man, weird as hell." Mia grumbled. "First missing counselors and now freaks in masks."

" _Fastpass! Butthole!"_ It was Professor Timothy, contacting them from the main campground, where he had remained. " _It seems this may have only been the beginning."_

"Dr. Timothy!" Fastpass tilted his head. "Did you find anything?"

" _It's worse than we feared, Jimmy. Meet me at the mess hall. There's something you all need to see._ "

* * *

Mia wasn't sure why Jimmy gave her the camp sash- but hey, she wore it anyway, along with the two badges she'd been given- one for making the camp more accessible, and one for "sleuthing". She adjusted the slightly too-big sash as they walked up the steps to enter the mess.

It was trashed, but the most unsettling thing was a horribly mangled and bloodied corpse.

Mia turned right around and walked out, not wanting to think about that too much.

"Tell me when you're done, I might throw up."

She didn't, but she still felt pretty awful. Certain memories were wriggling their nasty way to the surface. Time for an Ativan.

* * *

" _I'm sorry about that Mia."_  Timmy admitted ruefully. " _I should not have- well, you seem to be mostly fine."_

"It's-" she grimaced. "It's not "fine" because that's stupid, but I'll be okay. I just uh… Need a minute." She sat by the lightly burning campfire, waiting for the medicine to kick in. "The other three went to check the showers. We'll see how that goes-"

The trio returned, looking vaguely annoyed.

"...What's up?"

"There was a counselor in there…" Mintberry pinched his brow.

"...But?"

"He accidentally flashed his dick at us and then shot himself." Fastpass sighed.

" _God damn it…_ " Mia shook her head. "Is  _anyone_ but us still alive?"

" _I did a quick check._ " Timothy's frown lessened a bit. " _Only the counselors have been targeted so far- apart from us- the kids in the cabins all seem to be fine. And there are still two counselor's unaccounted for._ "

"We could search up on the hill- it used to be a reservation, years and years ago. The tribe just kind of v-vanished and now it's his-his- a histor- a hist- a- a really old important place."

Mia sighed. "...That's another horror movie cliche… If it wasn't for the giant stripper and the fact that the five of us are still alive, it'd be just like one."

"Yeah, instead it's like that one episode of Scooby Doo." Butters grimaced. "Only way bloodier and grosser."

"Er… Sorry about that, at least a few liters(or gallons) of that blood has been my fault." Mia admitted, glancing at the bag of sawblades strapped to her back. "Wonder if these assholes got their tetanus shots?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tetanus isn't funny. Unless it is. And unless the people suffering from it are assholes. Then it's kinda funny.
> 
> Next time, we solve the mystery of Lake Tardicaca and Mia goes home and takes a nap or something.
> 
> I mean a little more than that happens but that's pretty accurate.
> 
> Goodnight Everybody.


	20. Crunch Time (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for beatings.
> 
>  
> 
> Not much to say really. It’s more of the same from the last one.

****  


Mia ground her heel into the face of one of the crazed drug addicts in the monster costume, pulling her shears away from his leg where they’d been jabbed into.

 

“This sucks.” She complained. “We _just_ found the guy and he’s already dead!”

 

“I told ya- ya didn’t wanna go down that road.”

 

“You went down it though.” Mia pointed out, grumbling.

 

“...I guess I did. I shouldn’t have gone down this road.”

 

“Mhm. Whatever.” Mia grumbled irritably, as the four kids stormed off, retreating to the camp.

* * *

 

“Hey, ButtHole!” Fastpass was trying to peek into one of the cabins, but he was a bit too short, and the logs by the window were a little too steep for him. “This one’s locked but the lights are on. Do you think someone’s in here?”

 

Mia clambered up the logs, grunting as she stood on tiptoe to peer in. Three figures were inside. One adult, two kids. Talking. She pressed her ear to the window and could just make out their words.

 

“-hired us to dress up like monsters and scare a bunch of kids! You didn’t say _nothin_ about no dead counselors! I can’t go back to jail, man!”

 

She’d seen that shorter kid at school before. He had Down Syndrome, if she remembered, but Jimmy had mentioned that he was “a lot smarter than he acts a lot of the time.”. Nathan, or something? And the bigger kid was Mimsy.

 

“You know what?!” The meth head trembled, fidgeting. “You’re crazy! I didn’t know we were gonna work for somebody so twisted and evil!” He turned on his heel, but stopped.

 

“You can’t leave now. My plan is almost complete.” Nathan spoke, calm and collected. “...Go back out there and do what I fucking paid you to do, or I’ll call your parole officer and tell him you made me get naked and watch Kevin Spacey movies.”

 

Oof. Yeah, this kid was evil. The flustered and upset man fled. Jimmy and Mia quickly shrank down as he sped past them into the woods, tugging his mask on.

 

“Mimsy!” Mia peeked back in. “... _Mimsy._ I thought I told you to just _tie up_ the counselors.”

 

“I did boss!” Mimsy tossed his hands up a little. “Just like you said! I tied em up real good so they can’t escape, just like that movie- _Saw._ ”

 

Mimsy stared at Mimsy for a moment, incredulously.

 

“...You fucking asshole, I didn’t want you to kill them!”

 

So it was just _fucking blundering_ that led to the counselor’s being killed?

 

Mimsy sighed bitterly. “It doesn’t matter. As long as we get Lake Tardicaca shut down so I never have to come to camp again. _No more mistakes._ And we need to make sure that asshole, Jimmy doesn’t screw things up!”

 

Mia dropped down as the pair turned to leave. She could make out a few words. “Key.” “Boathouse.” and “Loose end.”

 

“Shit.” She muttered, falling from the log pile, in a heap on the ground.

 

“What?! I couldn’t hear anything.” Jimmy winced, as Mia yanked herself to her feet, eyes wild.

 

“Boathouse. On the docks.” She panted. “The last counselor’s hiding out there. I saw that Nathan kid, and the big guy who always tags along- Mimsy. Saying something about shutting down the camp!”

 

“T-time to go ff- faa-- fa-fa--- f- f-fas… fa-fa… fast.”

* * *

 

  


Mia skidded slightly on the docks. There was Mimsy, wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a machete. He didn’t seem to be fully aware of the fact he was threatening the counselor’s life, attempting to corner her at the edge of the pier.

 

“Come here, I’m not gonna hurt ya, I’m just gonna tie you up and throw ya in the water!”

 

“We gotta grab her!” Fastpass shouted. “It’s our last chance to save the camp!”

 

Nathan suddenly lunged, trying to block the pier with his body.

 

“What are you waiting for Mimsy!? Take care of her!”

 

“Oh my god! It’s Nathan!”

 

“Yeah, didn’t have time to say it but all these drug addicts and dead counselors are his fault.”

 

Nathan stomped a foot. “They weren’t supposed to be dead! Whatever. Mimsy! Hurry up and throw her!”

 

The woman managed to dodge a grab from the lumbering child, but she was running out of solid ground, and judging by the way she avoided the water was not the best swimmer.

 

“You’re too late Jimmy. All I have to do is get rid of the last counselor, and the authorities will have the camp shut down for good.”

 

“I mean, no, they’ll just put you in a criminally insane institution and hire new counselors.” Mia noted softly.

 

Nathan ignored her, backing away, shaking his head despairingly. “Mimsy, forget the counselor for a second. We’ve got some assholes to kill.” He waved a hand. “And my minions- the best drug-addicted criminals money could buy… A hundred bucks bonus for whoever kills the Jimmy Kid!”

 

Mia twisted a screw, splitting the shears in two, using each half as an individual blade. “You guys think you can handle most of them? I’m gonna go for Mimsy.”

 

Her allies nodded, Mintberry Crunch leaping skyward, leaving a trail of mint in his wake, surrounding the kids.

 

Mia advanced, dodging aside an aggressive kick, twirling her makeshift “swords”.

 

“Come on Mimsy,” She goaded. “Put that down now. No need for me to slice you up too bad.”

 

“Sorry kid, but Boss’s orders!” Mimsy reeled an arm back. Mia leapt back as he spun, almost blindly, whirling in a fast circle, machete extended.

 

“This kind of horseplay really isn’t allowed on the pier!”

 

Mia rolled her eyes. “Sorry ma’am but I’m a bit too busy trying to prevent your death to care.” She jerked her twin blades up, batting aside a swipe of the machete, cursing. “Shit!” The blow, indirect as it was, rattled her arms. If Mimsy got one solid hit, she was screwed.

 

She slowly shifted, occasionally jabbing or slicing at him, attempting to bait him into rushing her- maybe she could get him to charge off the pier-

 

Or… maybe she could bait him into hitting someone else.

 

It seemed like the other kids were struggling a bit, too. For every costumed man, two more crept from the woods or underwater in the pier. Nathan was calling the shots, so…

 

“You’re gonna love this one boss!” Mimsy bellowed, arm raised, readying himself for another berserk spin. Mia shifted, making sure Mimsy had a clear bead on her… And then at the last possible moment, leapt back and swung her blades wildly, forcing Nathan to dart away from her- right into Mimsy’s path.

 

His eyes widened.

 

“Wait a second… _Mimsy don’t you dare-!”_

 

_Thwack!_

 

Luckily for Nathan, Mimsy’s clumsy swing hit him with the flat, unsharpened edge.

 

Unluckily for Nathan, this was still a very solid piece of metal being swung _very hard_.

 

He lay on the ground, dazed and in visible agony.

 

“...Fuck.” He mumbled quietly. There was an awkward pause. The remaining, badly bruised monsters- one still sparking from Butter’s attacks, several of them smelling of berries, awkwardly milled about, before scattering- their boss was down and they probably were losing a paycheck, so why stick around. Mimsy lumbered to Nathan, picking him up and slowly making his way out.

 

“Jesus New Kid, you almost lost your head there.” Mintberry rubbed his head.

 

“What, it wasn’t that close was it?”

 

“Uhh… Mia?” Butters awkwardly rubbed his head. “You lost like two inches offa your ponytail.”

 

“What?!” Mia pulled out her phone, taking a picture of the back of her head. She shifted, examining it. “Holy shit! That _was_ close!”

 

“You saved me!” The counselor gushed, awestruck. “What about the others? Are they alright!”

 

“No!” Jimmy seemed happy though- giddy for saving his beloved camp. Mia tactfully covered his mouth.

 

“I’m afraid not, Ma’am.” She meekly rubbed her head. “Mimsy’s very good at accidentally causing horrific acts of violence. I don’t recommend you look in the Mess hall.”

 

“Or the showers!” Butters chimed in.

 

“Or the woods, actually.” Fastpass frowned a bit.

 

“Or even the burial grounds!” Mintberry winced. “Golly, Nathan sure killed a _lot_ of people.”

 

“At least the camp will stay open!” Jimmy stood straight as he could. “Nothing! On this planet! Can stop Lake Tardicaca! From being open all summer long!!”

 

There was a brilliant green flash and a burning form crashed into the pier.

 

“Oh god dammit.” Jimmy sighed.

 

“Holy shit! What the fuck is that?!” Butters squealed. Mia snapped her shears back together, and the kids tensed, ready to fight.

 

“Hello, Mintberry Crunch…” A low, menacing growl emanated from the dispersing green fog, and a tall, alien creature emerged. He wasn’t as tall as the Visitors that Mia had… tried to forget (she still had no idea what the fuck happened to that probe), but he was far bulkier looking, and much more dangerous seeming as well. A vicious mangle of sharp teeth poked from his lips, and his crimson eyes burned with hatred.

 

“You!” Crunch growled. “What are _you_ doing here?!”

 

Ah, history. They’d have to ask him about that later.

 

“I followed your mint trail across the galaxy, Crunch.” He made a slow gurgling noise, which Mia realized was a growl of loathing. “I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to strike. The time for… _payback._ ”

 

“Leave this place.” Crunch kept his voice calm, stepping forward. “We shall settle our differences another time. I’m busy right now helping my friends save this counselor so their summer camp won’t be shut down.”

 

“Oh really!?” The alien’s face twisted into what might have been a smile. “Well if she’s what you want-”

 

He lunged, lightning fast, knocking the kids about. “Come and get her!” The alien cackled as he tore off.

 

Mia sighed. “Fucking hell. South Park’s weirdness _did_ follow us out here…”

 

“She’s our only chance at keeping this camp open! We have to save her _again!”_

 

“Dammit,” Butters whined. “I knew you were gonna say that…”

 

* * *

 

Mia groaned. This time it had been  _her_   who got sent sprawling by Mimsy- although it had just been a punch thankfully. Nathan could hit pretty hard too, but not _nearly_ as hard as the giant of a boy. They needed to take out that alien.

 

Mia rolled to her feet, swiftly dropping sawblades as she retreated, uttering a wicked chuckle as they began spinning into the earth. Seeing the trap she’d made, Mintberry moved, and with a blast of berries, knocked all three into them. There was a horrible slicing buzzing sound, and they were covered in painful-looking deep cuts.

 

“Ooh,” Mia grinned nastily, grabbing a sledgehammer and lighting the fuse on her firecracker string. “I don’t think gauze is gonna help with those much.”

 

“I just wanted to share my love of the outdoors with children…” The bound counselor whimpered, unable to do much but watch the bloody melee.

 

“Watchin’ how brave these youngsters are makes me wish I’d gone down more roads when I was younger…”

 

“ _Why are you here?!”_ Mia roared in annoyance, whirling, throwing everything she could think of along with the various improvised weapons.

 

Butters crept up behind the mindfucked Nathan, raising his hands slowly…

 

Then, he let out a mad, howling cackle. “FOR CHAOS!”

 

Suddenly, the starry night sky was filled with clouds, and Butters was gone. But then the sky parted. A huge, massive figure of a man, easily nine feet tall, wielding a hammer that crackled with electromagnetic powers appeared.

 

“MWAHAHAHAH!” He cackled, before crashing down hard. Mia shuddered, impressed. Every Hero had their Ultimate power- it just took a lot of effort to use.

 

“My goodness, who was that?!”

 

“Well that was me!” Butters chuckled, to his normal size again. He’d finished off Nathan and Mimsy- the pair were out cold and the alien- something called a “Zarganor”- was still sparking slightly.

 

The creature growled and began… ew. Milking himself. Gross.

 

But effective, as it turned out- the milk formed into monsters.

 

Mia shook her head in mock despair. “Oh no. More enemies. Whatever shall I do?” She whirled, throwing her shears into the Zarganor, hard. “Oh right! _Kill your ass!_ ”

 

“Xenophobe!” The alien yelped.

 

“I’m definitely still gonna have nightmares about milk monsters you guys.” Butters whimpered. He perked up as he was suddenly Minted.

 

“Join the club!” Crunch whimpered, equally disturbed, but refusing to back down.

 

Fastpass began darting back and forth between two of the milk monsters, pummeling them while the other three attempted to deal with the Zarganor.

 

“Will you just give it up?!” Mia snarled. “I’ve fought worse than you _this month!”_

 

“Oh?” The alien rose, grinning, as he retreated to Timmy’s side, placing a hand on the boy’s head. “Well then why don’t we see if we can’t top that?”

 

* * *

 

“TIMMEH!”

 

“Oh jesus fuck!” Mia squealed, as the giant, roaring form of Dr. Timothy loomed over the “camp”. They were… in Timmy’s mind? In a mix of his mind and theirs perhaps? The Alien squinted at the kids, and each one he looked at, Timmy did as well. Mia jumped.

 

“Wha-” She felt a weird tingle. “Was he reading our minds with Timmy?”

 

“More like… your character sheets!” The Zarganor cackled, beginning to create more mint monsters. They shifted and reformed into… girls? The alien paused. “...Hm. I guess they don’t look the same made of milk.”

 

“Oh, my kryptonite. Cute. Sorry jackass but they’re not _real_ girls. Also, made of milk? Egh. Makes them look super gross.”

 

“Rrgh…” The alien waved a hand.

 

“TIMMY!”

 

The whole place shook violently. Mia suddenly gasped. It was like… Her powers had been nullified. Well, not all of them. But a handful. Of course; if Timothy could unlock her potential before, with the help of _another_ powerful psychic, he could easily lock some of it away again.

 

“Shit!” Mia swore. “Guys, he just shut down like half my powers! Kick the shit out of that alien now!”

 

Everything was on fire, everything was exploding. There were crazed milk-spawn and that stupid alien kept dragging everyone towards him with his milk attacks.

 

_Still_ not as terrifying as fighting an Outer God- or at least a tiny _tiny_ piece of her.

 

Mia irritably swung her sharpened shears. At least she still had lots of dangerous things to use, but she wasn’t sure how well her chainsaw would work here- if she could even get that fucking thing to work with all this madness.

 

“Man!” Butters panted, dodging another attack, hurling Chaos bolts. “This is a lot of Chaos, guys, but it’s the really bad kind!”

 

“Mm.” The alien chuckled, despite his injuries. “Doctor Timothy has quite the tortured imagination. I blame you, Crunch!”

 

“Man, that alien’s an asshole. Sorry guys!”

 

Fastpass gritted his teeth. “...This guy… is gonna shut down. Camp.” He looked up, eyes blazing. “...Nobody. Is gonna shut down. The Camp!!”

 

Lots of things could trigger an Ultimate. Desperation, Fear, Love, simply saving up enough power to use it all at once…

 

In this case, it was a mixture of these things, along with a burning _anger_ that drove Jimmy. The speed he moved was faster than they’d seen- or rather so fast they could _barely_ see. He was a blur with a flaming trail, slamming into the milk monsters, the aliens, even the giant Timmy. Again- and again- and again!

 

If the forest hadn’t been on fire before, it was even more on fire now. The alien was down, his milk spawn melted away.

 

Mintberry crunch raised a foot and stomped on the alien’s head with a horrible wet noise.

 

There was a bright light.

 

And they were safely deposited back at the campground.

 

“Holy-” Mia rolled onto all fours and gagged. “Ew! Ew ew ew! It’s blood! I got someone’s _blood_ in my mouth! Agh! Gross!”

 

“Whoa!” Professor Chaos squeaked. “Did we win?”

 

“Yeah…” Fastpass huffed. “We… won… I need… a sec…”

 

The kids all lay about for a bit, recovering slowly.

 

Professor Chaos sat up, glancing at Crunch.

 

“Hey, why did that guy hate you so much?”

 

“I’m not sure!” Mintberry frowned, confused. He was watching the last surviving Counselor forcing Nathan to roast marshmallows- although Mimsy seemed to be having fun. “That Zarganor and his parents used to be slaves in my family’s berry mines on my home planet until he escaped!”

 

Mia’s eyebrows shot up.

 

“Sla-what?!”

 

“W-wait a second, your family _owned_ his family?” Fastpass winced.

 

“What the hell?”

 

“Sure! How do you think we picked all those cotton berries?”

 

“Cotton berries?!”

 

“So he was a _slave_?” Butters seemed a bit appalled.

 

“Yes! That’s why they hated us! For our freedom!”

 

“That’s not… quite accurate…” Mia mumbled, pinching her brow, but Crunch didn’t hear her.

 

“But with your help, I beat him like a runaway slave! And now he’s dead!” He turned to Fastpass. “This was a good adventure. I am glad I was able to offer my assistance, but now, I must return home! _SHABLAGOO!”_ And with that, Crunch rocketed back into space.

 

There was a long silence.

 

“So he’s like… a _slave master?!”_

 

“Ew.” Mia shuddered. “That’s- I feel dirty inside.”

 

“Huh.” Fastpass mused, lost in thought. He was clearly appalled, but also thinking deeply about the latest revelation. “One of our beloved characters has a dark facet of his past that conflicts with contemporary moral standards but also adds an interesting complexity to-”

 

“Now you _definitely_ don’t wanna go down that road.”

 

Mia gave Fastpass a little shoulder pat. “At least we saved your camp.”

 

Jimmy nodded, pleased. “Yes! Excellent work everyone!”

 

“Now I’m gonna roast a smore and _go home._ ” Mia sighed. Luckily, the next bus to South Park would be here soon enough.

 

* * *

 

Mia and Butters sat on the bus heading back to South Park. On the one hand, they’d helped Fastpass out. On the other, it had been a long and painful night and Mia still had a very dark bruise on her cheek from where Mimsy had clobbered her. Also, she was soaked with milk and still smelled like mint.

 

“The mint smell is nice.” She admitted. “But it’s getting a bit overpowering.”

 

Butters nodded. “Yeah, and it isn’t going well with the milk. I think this stuff’s spoiling already.”

 

There was a brief pause.

 

“I need like, a two-hour bath.” Mia grumbled. “Covered in dirt and blood and probably some meth too.”

 

“Mhm. Me too or I’m gonna get grounded.”

 

Another brief pause.

 

“...Mint and Berry sounds like it would taste _awful_ together. Like if you ate something sugar-sweet right after brushing your teeth.”

 

* * *

 

Mia dragged herself to the door. It was one in the morning. She’d arrived at Lake Tardicaca around six or seven. She had been there for at _least_ six hours. Bringing out the key her dad had lent her, she unlocked the door and went in. There was a note on the dinner table.

 

_Punk,_

 

_Daddy and I decided to drive out to the neighboring town for a show at the theater and are spending the night while you help out your little friend at his camp! Text us when you get home, no matter how late it is! There’s dinner in the fridge. Lock the doors before you go to bed! Love you!_

 

_Mom_

 

Mia laughed, smiling to herself. She sent a quick text to her mother, heated up her dinner- a nice assortment of cooked veggies with some turkey- and devoured it hungrily, having only eaten a few smores and little fruit snacks since lunch. Then, Mia headed upstairs, showered until she no longer could find any bloodstains on her skin and smelled less like milk or mint- there was still a faint minty freshness about her, but it was no longer overpowering.

 

Then she yanked on pjs and collapsed atop her bed without even crawling under the covers.

 

Despite all the stupid, _stupid_ bullshit, life was pretty okay right now.

 

With a whine, she fell asleep and didn’t wake up until two PM the next day.

 

_______________________________

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mia’s probably gonna feel gross every time she so much as looks at milk for a few days.
> 
>  
> 
> I’ll eventually do Casa Bonita, but not for a few more chapters.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, uh, not much to say! More to come! Fun stuff! Shenanigans!
> 
>  
> 
> Goodnight everybody!


	21. Mia is Kind of Dumb Sometimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy that's a chapter title, huh? Enjoy!

As soon as it had come, Spring break had ended. Mia poked at the food on her cafeteria tray. Today, she was sitting with the girls, not really listening. They were talking about boys mostly. Not her thing. She wasn't hungry, either, not sure why. Everything felt kind of… off today. Maybe she was getting a cold.

She heaved a sigh, before realizing how loud it was. The other girls were staring at her a bit.

"Uh… Sorry." She mumbled. "Just feelin' out of it…"

"Geez, you actually don't look so good." Bebe frowned, head tilting. "Like, you're a bit paler than usual."

"Hmm?" Mia pulled her phone out, using the internal camera to look. "...I guess I do look kinda bad huh?"

"Do you think you should see the nurse or something?" Annie frowned. Mia shook her head. But then sighed. Several kids were giving her worried looks.

"I'm sure I'm okay." Mia said, standing, but I'll go just for a sec to like, get my temperature checked or whatever..."

* * *

Annie didn't see Mia until recess was over- when she peeked in the nurse's room, Mia was not present. Eventually, after getting a hall pass, and hunting through the halls, she found Mia curled in a ball in a janitor's closet.

"What the hell?! Mia?"

"A-ah… Hi? Pretty face… Annie? "

"What the  _fuck_  are you doing in here?"

"I'm waiting for nothing and curling up…"

"What?!"

Mia hugged her knees tight. "I can- I'll be fine. I'll be okay! I'm okay! I just needed somewhere small and quiet to hide. And then I'd be better..." Her voice kept wavering in pitch.

Annie scowled a bit, kneeling and pressing the back of her hand to Mia's head. She winced.

"Jeez! You're burning  _and_ delirious!"

"It's just me being a trashfire..." Mia slurred. Annie sighed, grabbing the girl and practically yanking her to her feet.

"Come on!" She huffed, managing to get Mia to walk somewhat- staggering her to the nurse. A bit later, they had determined her temperature- 102 degrees. Ouch. The nurse called Mia's parents, while Annie sat with the girl to try and keep her semi-lucid friend from leaving or doing anything else stupid.

"I…" Mia's eyes fluttered, momentarily shining with clarity. "Everything feels awful right now."

"I can see that."

Mia's phone was buzzing. The girl fumbled with it. "Nnh… Mom's calling…" She hit the button. "Mommy… Hi…"

Annie's brow furrowed at the voice on the other end.

"Nooo… I'm fine- fine… nooo... Just sitting on this... bed..."

Annie gently wiggled the phone away from Mia.

"No she's not fine." She said, a bit sheepishly. "Um... sorry ma'am. I'm Mia's friend. I uh… Took her phone for a second."

"Oh, dear…" She heard Mia's mother sigh deeply. "I assumed so. Her father just called- he's busy at work so I'm picking her up. She always gets a bit… like that when she's sick."

"Well um, I'll make sure she doesn't fall and break her nose or whatever."

"Thank you, umm…"

"Annie Knitts, ma'am."

"Thank you Annie."

Annie hung up the phone. Mia tried to snatch it back, but her movements were sluggish.

"Geez, you're  _really_ sick. You looked almost fine a few hours ago…" Annie sighed, giving the girl back her phone, watching her try to fumble it back into her pocket.

Mia just made an incomprehensible mumbling noise in response. Annie rolled her eyes, forcing Mia to lay down.

"You rest." She scolded. Annie started to stand, but Mia whined, sort of clinging to her. Annie groaned, but relented, sitting on the edge of the bed, letting the delirious ill girl nestle against her hand. She stared at the half-conscious Mia for a bit.

Annie had never really thought about it much but Mia was sort of pretty in a way. Despite how tough and aggressive she could be, Mia had a surprisingly delicate face, framed nicely by her black curls of hair. Her expression looked much more gentle when half-asleep. She was cute like this.

Annie paused, mouth curling downwards in confusion. Why was she thinking of Mia like this? Sure, objectively she was pretty but…

Oh.

_Oh._

Annie realized she was being  _very gay_  right now.

_Oh shit._

She'd never known she had liked girls before now. She'd always liked boys… But looking at Mia's flush and sleepy face…

Yep. She was developing a serious crush on her friend... Guess that made her bi then…

...Oh god, she was blushing and staring at Mia's face. Good thing the girl was out cold now, because she would never let Annie live it down.

Mia mumbled faintly, fingers curling around Annie's hand.

Annie smiled meekly. Maybe this wasn't so bad.

* * *

Eventually Mia's mother arrived. Annie reluctantly was sent back to class, giving her time to mull over her revelation, while Mia was whisked home. Her mother, with a strength that belied her small frame, lifted her daughter up and carried her to bed. She checked her temperature, damp-mopped her brow, and left her to sleep, and to fetch some medicine for her.

Mia's sleep was only fitful, and she awoke with a groan. She had actually fallen asleep in the nurse's office. She must have got something nasty. Mia sighed, sitting up a bit, rubbing her eyes wearily, glancing at the clock. School would be out by now.

She remembered bits and pieces of the day. Most prominently Annie dragging her to the nurse's office.

Mia grumbled, grabbing her phone and texting her friend.

" **Hey. Sorry you found me like that. I kind of took a detour to get some water and then everything went to hell."**

" **Oh! You're making sense again."**

" **Yeah."** Mia flinched. " **Mom says I apparently act black-out drunk when I'm sick."**

" **I'd believe it."** There was a pause. " **You kept trying to cuddle my hand."**

" **Oh geez. Sorry Annie."**

" **Don't worry about it. You were super out of it."**

Mia set her phone down, taking a deep breath.  _Oh geez._

" **Was I being super gay?"**

" **No more than usual? I think you roundabout called me pretty and that was about it."**

Mia wasn't sure if that was reassuring or not.

" **Sorry if I made things uncomfortable."**

" **Forget about that stuff, are you okay? You were doing awful!"**

" **I'm fine for now. Mom's probably getting me medicine. Just laying in bed right now. Napped for a while."**

" **Okay. Take care of yourself! I'll visit tomorrow after school to make sure you're still alive."**

" **Ok. Thanks Annie."**

* * *

Mia wasn't very hungry but she did managed to spoon down the warm soup her mother brought her. Apparently her temperature had lowered a little, to a safer degree. Mia didn't know, but she definitely felt warm. At least most of the sickness seemed to be in her head and stomach. She  _loathed_ stuffy noses.

Despite the fact she was sick and hot and sweating a little, she didn't bother to kick her blankets off, instead opting to roll around in them a bit, burrito-ing herself up, so she could ponder the day's events a bit. Specifically how embarrassed she was that she had to be practically  _carried_ to the nurse's office, and probably acted like a dork around Annie.

...Well, more of a dork than usual anyway.

Her train of thought was derailed when her dad poked his head in.

"Hey, kiddo." He walked inside, with some medicine in one hand and water in the other. She sat up and groaned, but didn't complain too much.

"Hi…"

"Feelin' pretty lousy?" He carefully read the instructions, before wiggling the cap on the bottle. "...Hang on, it's child-proof... Which means it's everyone-proof."

Mia giggled feebly, smiling a bit. Her father grunted as he struggled with the cap.

"I can't ever get those open either." Mia sighed. "Makes takin' my Ativan such a pain…"

"Well the whole point of them being hard to open-" He growled, wiggling it angrily. "Is so kids can't get into them!" His expression softened. "But you're pretty mature. We've always trusted you."

Mia nodded. Her parents were awfully lenient sometimes. She'd been punished before of course. Grounded once or twice. Been put in time outs when she was younger. Once, she recalled, she'd thrown a monsterous tantrum over something stupid, and her dad shut her in her bedroom. He'd tied a jump-rope to the door, and left it there, so she couldn't get out. She had  _roared_ and screamed and trashed her bedroom until she was all out of energy.

Her dad then opened the door, ordered her to clean her room, then shut her in again.

She had to admit, it worked on her. She hadn't thrown another real tantrum like that again.

"Got it!" He grinned, popping it open. "Now this should keep your fever from going back up, but it won't get rid of it."

"S'fine with me." Mia mumbled, taking the pills her dad gave her, washing them down. "Thanks daddy."

He ruffled her hair. "So…" Her father grinned playfully. "You do anything silly while out of it? I know how you're like when you first get sick."

Mia groaned. "Daaaaaad…"

"You wouldn't be groaning if it wasn't true!"

"Go to hell."

Her father laughed hard, patting her back. "There we go. You'll be back to yourself in no time."

Mia sighed, finishing off the glass of water, crawling back into bed with a grumble.

* * *

She was still a bit too sick to go to school. Probably contagious. That didn't stop Annie from visiting her after school, by climbing up the tree next to her window.

"You could have knocked." Mia scolded dryly. "Mum and dad don't get home till late."

Annie flushed, but laughed as she closed the window behind her.

"Yeah but that was a lot more fun."

Mia just sighed, smiling. "Well… thanks for visiting. I'll be able to go back to school tomorrow, but I have been bored out of my skull. So the company's nice."

"I wasn't gonna leave you alone and miserable all day." Annie shook her head. "Besides, with how little homework we've been getting, I could do with a sick day myself. Maybe I'll catch yours."

Mia snorted. "Rather be home, sick and bored than at school, healthy and bored, huh?"

"Mhm." Annie sat on Mia's bed, opposite her. "...Wow, you've got tons of stuff just from the last few months, huh?"

"God, it's really just been a few months? Feels like a fuckin year." Mia shook her head wistfully. "Yeah, um… gosh, guess I do have a lot of junk in here. All the stick of truth weapons. Failed costumes- and successful costumes… the crown…"

"...This thing is real metal. Like, not real gold, but actually made of metal." Annie noted, poking the crown on the support on Mia's bed. "Where the hell did you get that?"

"...You don't want to know." Mia cringed. "It was really gross and weird. Basically I got it for… well, not letting South Park explode."

"Man, I feel like it eventually becomes like, a requirement to help save South Park from destruction if you live here for any amount of time." Annie laughed. "Even  _Cartman_  saved us once. Probably more, but I only remember the one."

"Wait, seriously?" Mia giggled. "On purpose?"

"Yeah… Sort of? Basically Kyle's mom went insane and at one point had a doctor put a chip in Cartman-"

"Oh! Yeah! Saw that thing." Mia rubbed her neck. "Got zapped by it. Finally got forced to take it out though."

"Uh-huh. And he used that to help save the world."

"Figures." Mia chuckled softly. "I don't know if I've saved the world- but I've done some neat stuff."

"You're kind of selling yourself short there!" Annie flushed for some reason. "You're like… actually super badass and cool and I wish I could be like that…"

"It's not that hard." Mia laughed. "You can be a badass and not be like me, y'know!"

"Hmm?" Annie frowned a bit, still flustered.

"Well, I mean-" Mia sighed. "Look, I'm kind of a bitch? To a lot of people. I don't put up with shit. I make fun of everyone. I'm violent. I'm  _super_  rude. I swear like a fuckin' sailor and I have the worst fucking anxiety."

"You don't seem like you have anxiety." Annie tilted her head.

"I'm good at keeping a lid on it." Mia admitted, hugging her knees. "...I just… some days are better than others. It used to be worse. Before the… retcon thing I did… my parents, fought every night. And maybe I could have… made it easier." She looked at her feet. "I didn't. I just hid. I ran and shut down and hid and- I just withdrew from my family. I used everyone else as a way to escape."

Annie scooted a bit closer to listen to Mia, eyes intently locked on her.

"I… Sometimes, I couldn't eat." Mia continued, babbling now. "I-I could have maybe two or three bites of my dinner. And then I'd skip breakfast…" She noticed Annie's eyes widen in concern and looked up. "I-I'm better now! Three square meals and all that! And snacks."

Annie relaxed a little, but the concerned frown didn't go away.

"That's… all stuff anxiety did?"

"Well I dunno if it "did" that but… it sure as fuck didn't help!" Mia twirled a finger or two into her hair. "...We got a lil sidetracked though." She shifted, making eye contact. "Basically, I'm sayin' I'm amazed you're acting like you wanna be like me. Why can't you just be you?"

"Well… I'm sorta boring." Annie shrugged. "I'm just like… every other girl around."

"I dunno about that." Mia shrugged. "You were one of the girls who pushed hardest to keep hanging out with me back when you thought I was a boy."

Annie blushed.

"...Waiiiiit a second…"

Annie refused to make eye contact.

"Did you… like…" Mia looked like she would either burst out laughing. "... _like_ me then?"

"N-no…" Annie mumbled.

"You did, didn't you?"

"No!" Annie insisted. "...I did not… have a crush on you… back then." The blonde put a weird emphasis on "back then".

"Then why all shy?"

"I don't know, you're the one who made this weird."

"Fuck! I did, didn't I?"

There was a pause, then both girls giggled.

"Okay, for real, you didn't?"

"No, but I know at least one girl might have and was a little disappointed when she found out."

Mia grimaced. "Oh. Geez."

"Pretty sure someone else was more… uh… relieved? Glad?" Annie fidgeted awkwardly.

"...Eh?" Mia blinked.

"I'm saying at least someone had a thing for you and still does…?"

"Oh geez… Uh…" A blush crept across her cheeks. "That's a weird feeling…"

"Oh my god you're blushing. That's  _adorable_." Annie laughed aloud. "I've  _never_  seen you blush like that!"

"S-shut up!" Mia stuttered, hiding her face, blush getting worse. "It's just my fever!"

Annie snickered. "How are you feeling, anyway?"

"Better than I expected, worse than I'd hoped." She sighed, drawing her hands away. "Changing weather hasn't been helping… Haven't stayed in a place for very long before." She shifted with a meek half-smile. "...Gosh, I think… within a few weeks, I'll have officially lived in South Park longer than anywhere else. Spent a couple months in Australia- felt like maybe we'd actually stay there, but… nope."

Annie chuckled. "Bit of a change from a place like that to a place like South Park huh?"

"Oohhh yeah." Mia cringed. "We actually were in Cali before we came to Colorado. That wasn't too much of a climate shift, but this place is so  _cold._ "

"You get used to it." Annie giggled. "Summer is pretty pleasant."

"I hope so." Mia nestled into her blankets with a small grin. "Winter was fuckin' freezing."

"You spent the last month running around wearing a costume- and that was  _over_  your winter clothes." Annie pointed out. "You of all people should have been pretty cozy."

"It is pretty warm." Mia admitted. "I recommend it. I also recommend being a cool superhero person but nobody seems to be taking me up on that."

"I'd need a costume." Annie said airily.

"You made a decent one for the Stick of Truth stuff." Mia pointed out.

"Mm." Annie blushed. "You think so?"

"Sure. You kinda had this nature cleric thing going." Mia chuckled. "Weird as it sounds, as much as I like hitting people, I actually used a lotta support and defense stuff… That bubble shield and dolphin heal-y thing were probably the two most useful things I had?"

"Aren't your powers basically "whatever Cartman and later Timothy said I can get away with"?"

"Yeah, pretty much…? I think it was something like "Potential"." Mia shrugged. "...Considering I was at the verge of a constant mental breakdown…"

"Hmm… Seems kinda overpowered."

"Well, I'm nearly useless on my own." Mia shrugged weakly. "I only had to do maybe three or four fights by myself… I uh… am not comfortable being alone most of the time."

"Aww." Annie giggled. "You're precious."

Mia huffed, puffing her cheeks irritably. "Am not."

"You act all rough and tumble but you really are just a sweetheart."

"Noooo…" Mia hid her head under a pillow.

Annie giggled. "Sorry, Mia, but it's true."

Mia groaned. "I can't be a cool badass superhero lady if people call me "sweet" all the time."

"Well it's just me so far." Annie grinned. "And once I've got momentum going… I'll never stop~!"

Mia just sighed, curled into a ball on the bed. Annie gave her head a single pat.

 _Fuck, I am being so gay right now._ Mia thought, cheeks bright.  _Stop being gay for someone you have no chance at you useless lesbian._

The thing about this whole mess was that Annie was trying to be at least a little bit subtle- and when it came to flirtation, Mia was  _seriously_  dense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhh Mia...
> 
> Hope you enjoyed. I urge you to leave a comment! I appreciate it~!
> 
> Goodnight Everybody!


	22. Rise of Discordia (Also Mia is Still Being an Idiot)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for a little chaos!
> 
> Also, Mia being clueless.  
> Bit of a short one, but things happen!

Butters wasn't  _that_ much of a threat, in the grand scheme of things. However, the Freedom Pals did get some amusement out of his outlandish schemes- when they weren't lame- but it was rare they were a serious threat.

And the kids did feel the need to humor him- to include him. After all, there was going to be a Professor Chaos movie. Even if he was a villain, it was only right to keep him at least somewhat in the loop.

So it wasn't any surprise one Saturday night, that a few of the Freedom Pals went to see what Professor Chaos's latest scheme was. Tupperware, Human Kite, and Toolshed, all together on a recon mission.

Eerily, the U-Stor-It facility where they knew his base was located was deathly quiet. While he certainly could not afford the legions of minions he might have had once, it didn't explain why the entire place was so… quiet. Sure, there were stretches of tinfoil still left from when Butters had completely taken over the place, but by now it had mostly been cleaned up.

"This one's open." Tupperware noted, Toolshed shining a flashlight in. They could just make out all the tinfoil.

"Come on Butters, we know you've been up to something." Kite huffed. "It better not be lame."

There was trio advanced slowly inside the large building, when the shutters suddenly slid shut behind them.

"...Guys?" Stan sighed, fumbling for the lightswitch. "...I think we're idiots and just walked into like, the most obvious trap ever."

"I'll say!" Chaos's voice was above, but out of he up on the roof again? "I actually even set up a better trap for when you foiled my first, easy one!"

"What are you doing, Chaos?!" Kyle shouted, as the lights flickered on, and…

Whoa. The whole room was devoid of boxes, but the walls and floor and even the ceiling were covered in strange patterns. Everything was black and purple. The floor was covered in party ribbons, and there were some of Professor Chaos's odd tinfoil-cardboard structures.

"Just testing out the abilities of my latest partner in crime!" He cackled. "Nobody even knows who she is! Not even me!"

"Oh great." Tupperware sighed."Where's this "partner"?"

As if to answer him, one of the ribbons on the floor snaked back, looping his ankle and yanking him forward. Token yelled, as he was dragged forward toward the sculpture in the center, where a purple-and-black clad figure burst out, twirling wildly, her twintails dyed bright cotton candy pink and electric blue.

"Boo!" She cackled, face largely obscured by the mask and bandanna around her mouth and nose. Before Tupperware could react, she twirled him around in a fast circle, spinning him up in ribbons. "Heehee~! How's this for a lil chaos~?"

Her every word was sugary and lilting, high-pitched, and frankly  _really_ grating. It was like a rubber duck mixed with a kid's show princess. And she had butterflies all over her costume.

"Behold!" Professor Chaos cackled, as she lightly bopped Tupperware on the head, knocking him down, unable to free himself. "My newest partner! Lady Discordia!"

"You gotta be kidding." Stan muttered, trying to see the girl's face, but he couldn't see any recognizable features. She danced about Toolshed and Human Kite, twirling a ribbon off the floor.

"If I was kidding, I'd be laughing! Oh wait! I  _am!_ " Discordia cackled, lashing her ribbons out like whips. Unlike Tupperware, Toolshed was ready, and quickly lanced his screwdrivers through the ribbons like knives, tearing them before they could ensnare him. Discordia attempted an acrobatic lunge to catch him off guard.

She tripped over her own ribbons, and tumbled in a heap on the floor, yelping. She sat up, Toolshed revving his drill in front of her.

"Well that went tits-up fast!" She announced, before snapping a palm upright- there was some kind of dusty powder atop it. With a puff, Discordia exhaled, spewing it right into Toolshed's face. He reeled, confused and dazed, unsure of where he was.

"Wha- what the- where is she?" He shook his head, trying to clear his swimming vision. He sneezed, some of the dust having gone right up his nose.

"Bless you." Discordia tittered, pokinjg him gently on the chest, with just enough force to nudge him on his butt.

During that time, Kyle managed to get to Tupperware and tug him free of the ribbons, turning to face her.

"On her belt! That's the key to get out of here!"

Discordia whirled, sidestepping so she could keep all three boys in her sights at once. "Oopsie, saw that didn'tcha~? Yep yep! To get free, you have to get the key from me!"

"God! Shut up!" Tupperware snapped, suddenly switching places- she found herself right in front of Kyle, who immediately blasted her with a laser.

"So rude!" She pouted, rubbing the scorch mark on her face.

"Your voice is so fucking annoying!" Kyle retorted.

"Good!" She giggled, suddenly darting forward and kicking him in the chest, following up with a quick spinning kick.

Kyle was knocked to the floor, groaning. "Fuck…"

Discordia turned, only to be nailed with a screwdriver… so… screwed? With a…? She'd work out the semantics later. It seemed Toolshed had shaken off the effects of her dust.

"Kid, you're really outgunned."

Discordia huffed. "Yeah, I didn't get the door timing right. I coulda got you separated from one another~!" She hopped away to evade a drill, and took cover behind the tinfoil sculpture to dodge from Tupperware's turrets. "Still can't believe that worked~!" She giggled. "I shoulda just dangled some meat over a pit if I knew it'd be that easy!"

"Yeah, I gotta admit, we were pretty stupid to fall for that." Kyle muttered, embarrassed as he pushed himself up, tossing kite shields to his allies, Stan returning the favor by spritzing and healing him.

Discordia was in a bit of a bind- the dust hadn't lasted long enough, and Tupperware had managed to get free of the ribbons with Human Kite's help. If she didn't think fast, she'd-

Tupperware slammed into her as he leapt around the sculpture, knocking her into Stan who shoved her forward again. She whipped about, lashing her ribbons, managing to disorient them for a moment so she could back off. Discordia cursed. Her keys had fallen off the belt.

"I appear to be slightly outmatched…" she huffed. "So I suppose I'll just have to train more~" She tossed a ribbon upwards, snagging it on the rooftop hatch, beginning to rapidly shimmy up. "Until next time boys~! Ta!"

Token picked up the keys. "...What the  _fuck_  was that?"

* * *

Mia managed to sneak home without any Freedom Pals noticing her. It was a decent trial run of her persona. She practically skipped her way back, sneaking back up to her window and opening it, slipping in with a little giggle. She slipped her mask off and removed her outfit, tucking it into her closet and changing into pjs.

She hopped into bed, checking her phone. Everyone who was awake was confused. Mia snuggled into her bed with a dark chuckle, setting the phone aside and yawning.

Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, her stomach hurt. She'd been punched there pretty damn hard… Actually her face was a bit scorched. She'd need to do some makeup for that or she'd totally get caught.

Being found out in a  _day_  would be so dumb.

Also, she'd have to figure out how to play both herself and Discordia and avoid getting caught.

This was gonna be weird. Hard to figure out. She was probably gonna get caught and everyone would either laugh it off or beat the crap out of her.

Or both. She could give as good as she got of course, but all of them together at once would totally win against her. Hell, just three at once had her on the ropes.

It was kind of fun though. Having a fight where the odds were stacked heavily against her but without her life being in danger.

* * *

The next morning, Mia got a text.

" **You know, if you thought I couldn't figure you out, you really underestimate my skills with phones."**

Mia sighed. Wendy. Maybe she could figure something out.

" **Well that was fast. Who else knows?"**

" **Nobody. Just me. I wanted to ask you first. What are you doing?"**

" **Oh just messing around. Having fun. I'm not gonna hurt anyone aside from the bruises and stuff."**

" **I guess that's okay."** There was a pause. " **As long as you don't start doing** _ **actual**_ **evil stuff."**

Mia snorted. " **I'm working with** _ **Butters."**_

" **Fair enough."** Mia could practically hear the shrug. " **Stan's super confused. It's** _ **adorable**_ **."**

" **So are you two dating? I'm not sure."**

" **It's been sort of off-and-on, but right now we are."**

" **Huh! How about that. I actually had a suspicion about something romantic that was correct."**

" **Never thought you cared much about that stuff."**

" **It's my darkest secret. I may be a proud nerd, but romantic stuff… Yeah, I like it."**

" **You should talk about that stuff with Annie. She has a couple of those books and movies."**

" **Ooh."**

" **I'm amazed you haven't tried to ask her on a date or something."**

" **What?!"**

" **You're not very subtle about liking her."**

Mia's cheeks flushed brightly.

" **She's my friend, of course I like her, but…"**

" **Mia, you blush every time she says something remotely nice about you. I** _ **never**_ **see you blush except around her."**

" **Even if I did,"** Mia's fingers flew furiously over her phone, cheeks bright. " **I don't think Annie's into girls."**

" **Why, do you have some kind of Lesbian Sense that isn't going off?"**

" **Not that I'm aware of."**

" **I'm like 80% sure she likes you."**

" **I'm going to put my phone away now."**

Mia, flustered and a bit embarrassed, tossed her phone back onto her bedside table, sighing. Too early for this. She had just barely finished breakfast. At least Wendy was a good sport about Mia playing a villain and a hero. She turned on her GameSphere. Today, she just wanted to relax.

* * *

Wendy scowled. Dammit, Mia wasn't answering anymore. She sighed.

"Those two are fucking idiots." She shook her head in mock despair.

* * *

Mia growled, dropping her controller in frustration. Man, she was way better at hitting people in the face than she was at video games.

Today was… a quiet Saturday really. Mia was more used to days like this being Sundays, but she didn't mind that much. It was a pleasant sort of quiet. Calm and easygoing, despite her failings in the digital world.

She sat back, turning off her TV for the time being, humming a riff from some metal song she had heard, as she went through her things on a whim. Her superhero and supervillain outfits tucked into her closet, her various outfits she'd worn through the Stick of Truth, a bunch of makeshift LARP weapons and armor, clothes she hadn't worn in a while.

She cringed as she came across the black goth dress, pushing it to a back corner with a grimace. It wasn't a bad dress, really; it was just the associations Mia had with it and her really brief, really lame phase. Just another facet of her past, she supposed.

Maybe she could work on Discordia's abilities. She'd created two pretty effective tools that fit well- the tangling ribbons and the Dizzy-Dust, as Butters called it. She needed an Ultimate, still. And a charm skill would fit into her style nicely. But she was just drawing a blank on what they could be…

Maybe the Ultimate could be something indirect. A little chaotic, naturally… but… She was drawing a blank. She wasn't being very creative here.

...A storm. A storm of butterflies…

Now that was something… A chaotic storm of butterflies, inflicting all sorts of nasty ailments upon her foes…

Yeah, Mia could think of some applications here… She just had to iron out the kinks.

And hey, if all else failed she could just hit someone in the face really hard.

On a whim, Mia went back to her phone, snapping it open. A number of missed texts. The first were from Wendy.

" **Mia, you're being an idiot about this. Both of you are being dumb.**

**Mia, you better come back I'm not done**

**That does it, I'm just gonna call Annie and tell her you like her"**

_What!?_  Mia glanced at when that last one was sent. Almost half an hour ago.  _Shit_.

The next text was from Annie.

" **Um. Hey. Wendy texted me a thing. It's um."**

There was a pause, for about two minutes, then another text.

" **We should talk."**

Mia gave a flustered little noise of despair. That was a  _scary_ phrase.

She hesitated, before reluctantly texting her back.

" **Ok."**

Fuck, she was panicking. She was freaking out. She went downstairs. Mia hadn't had an Ativan today. She took one, swallowing and washing it down, ignoring her parents worried expressions. Mia looked at her phone.

" **Um, can you come talk to me at my house?"**

Mia swallowed.

_What the fuck am I doing?!_

" **Ok. Be there soon."**

She pulled on her coat, and began walking outside once the Ativan had kicked in.

Only to realize she had no idea where Annie's house was, sheepishly calling her for directions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna be enjoying my Thanksgiving. Hope those of you who celebrate it are too. 
> 
> Goodnight everybody!


	23. Easier Than She Thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo!
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry for the long wait. Was sort of hectic.
> 
>  
> 
> Mia, who was being kind of a pussy about it before, now is being forced to confront her kryptonite head on:
> 
>  
> 
> A pretty girl.

 

 

  
  


Mia awkwardly sat in Annie’s room, fingers awkwardly trailing through her hair, eyes low. She had been let in by Annie’s mom, who had pointed her upstairs to the blonde’s room. The girl was perched on a low chair, and directed Mia to sit by her.

 

They sat for a while, in silence for a lot longer than what was comfortable. Mia wasn’t even sure what all Wendy texted to Annie, but she had an inclination...

 

“So uhh… Just so we’re on the same page… What all… did Wendy tell you?”

 

“Well uh… She told me that you have a crush on me, among other things…” Annie sheepishly nodded. “So… I guess we can start with… that… So um… I guess... Do you?”

 

“I mean uhm…” Mia flustered, babbling. Oh jeez. What the hell was she gonna say? “I mean I guess maybe a little bit of one because you’re really nice to me and everyone and you’re really pretty and just fun to be around and- and- oh fuck… Fuck- I can’t even-” She took several heaving breaths. “...Yes? Yes. Okay? Oh god, I- I’m sorry, I’m kinda being anxious right now. Please don’t be mad.”

 

“I’m not mad!” Annie blurted, startled. “Why the hell would I be mad?” 

 

“I don’t know, I’ve never told anyone I liked them like this before! I didn’t want Wendy to say anything but she said we- that I was being an idiot and that I should just- She just kind of-” Mia squirmed in place. “...Sorry. This is probably super weird…”

 

Annie studied her, a slow blush creeping across her cheeks. “It’s… not that weird. And ...I wouldn’t be mad at you...” She timidly admitted. “Not for this anyway.”

 

All of Mia’s usual confidence and energy was gone. This wasn’t what she was normally like. Now that the cocky grin and easy-going nature were brushed aside, Annie saw something else. Someone vulnerable, someone shy, someone… scared. Scared of being hurt. It was something she’d never seen before in Mia’s eyes... 

 

And  _ holt shit  _ the sight of this small, meek, worried and vulnerable girl was making Annie’s heart pound in her throat. 

 

Annie reached out and wrapped her hands around Mia’s, pulling her to her feet, staring at her intently. She took several breaths, squeezing her hands.

 

“If I had found out- about you having a crush on me- just when I found out who you really were, I-I wouldn’t have been mad, back then I would have just been… kinda flattered.”

 

“...Why are you… qualifying it like that? That whole “back then” stuff?” Mia suddenly felt far more nervous than normal. 

 

“Because I realized between then and now that I like boys  _ and  _ girls and I really  _ really  _ like you specifically.” 

 

Annie leaned forward and gently pecked Mia on the cheek.

 

Mia looked like she might faint, and her legs were shaking

 

“Y-you… what?” She whispered, eyes a little wide. Pink rushed to her cheeks.

 

“...I like you too and that felt right.” Annie smirked. “Also, I didn’t think I’d get to say this, but you are fucking  _ adorable _ when you blush, you know that?”

 

Mia stuttered, blushing hotter.

 

“I-I-I-”

 

“Oh wow, you’re even  _ redder _ !” Annie giggled, a bit nervous, but excited. “You’re so adorable… How could I not have a crush on you?” 

 

“Y-you have a crush on  _ me? _ ” Mia whispered, voice a bit hoarse.

 

“Mia? You okay?” Annie smiled. “...And yeah, I do.”

 

“You. Have a crush. On  _ me. _ ”

 

“Saying it over and over again won’t change it, Mia.” 

 

Annie leaned in and pecked her other cheek with a smile. Mia swayed a little, trembling a bit. She took a deep breath, and finally managed to smile back, clumsily. 

 

“I just- it’s just hard for me to believe.” Mia admitted, cautiously lacing her fingers around Annie’s. Annie tittered, grinning at Mia. Up close, much to Mia’s disbelief, she was actually a bit shorter than Annie. It felt odd. She was looking up at the blonde.

 

“I like you and you like me. And that means… We should go on a date.” Annie smiled. “Or a few.”

 

“Was that something else Wendy told you?” Mia asked, mildly irritated. She had a small smile on her face though. Annie just giggled and hugged Mia gently. 

 

“She... implied it.” Annie sighed comfortably, and Mia took a slow breath, relaxing against Annie. 

 

“...This is good.” Mia smiled a little. “I’m sorry. For being an idiot. And for… Being all… like this. I… I don’t really know how to react to this and my brain is kind of… lagging behind.”

 

Annie shook her head playfully. “I guess I’ll learn to cope with that.”

 

“Okay so um…” Mia blushed. “Dating huh?”

 

This was going to be a bit of an awkward ride… but… it was going to be fine, Mia could tell. A good start.

 

___________________________

 

Mia wasn’t really sure what to do on a date. Sure there was some obvious stuff. Go outside, get lunch, talk, but you could do those things with anybody, surely. What made this so special?

Maybe it was the fact that Annie was sitting across the table from her and shooting her a smile that made Mia’s heart do stuff she didn’t know it could do. She was flustered. She was nervous. She didn’t have a real reason to be either, she just sort of was.

 

Annie on the other hand seemed awfully calm and confident. She had a serene grin, but now and then would blush a little, clearly a little awkward.

 

“I’ve never really dated a girl before.” Annie admitted sheepishly. “But I didn’t even know I liked girls until pretty recently…”

 

“I haven’t dated  _ anyone _ so…” Mia squirmed. 

 

“Guess I’m a step or two ahead of you, then.” Annie admitted. “I’ve been on like, on or two casual things that didn’t really go anywhere.”

 

“If we were anywhere but South Park I’d get the feeling that not dating anyone by fourth grade is normal.”

 

“Really? I’ve never lived outside of South Park.” Annie tilted her head.

 

“Well uh… I don’t know how to explain it, but… This town is weird.” Mia admitted. “It’s just- The place is… It’s like the rest of the world has a fair bit of weirdness. But this is… It goes beyond that. Like, for god’s sake, there was a  _ friggin’ Outer God  _ living under the town until recently. I’ve seen aliens, superpowers, time travel, giant mutants…”

 

“Literal wars, threats of nuclear detonation, zombies…” Annie continued. “...Huh…”

 

“Never really thought about it, eh?” Mia giggled.

 

“This has just been… our normal.” Annie admitted weakly. 

 

“...Your normal huh?” Mia leaned back in her seat. “...Feels… I dunno, “right” somehow.”

 

“Well you did fit in real quick.” Annie giggled. “You’re just made for South Park!”

 

“Or it was made for me!” Mia grinned, gesturing broadly. 

 

“Guess people can get used to anything.” Annie cracked a grin, trying not to laugh at Mia’s antics. The other girl was clearly a bit nervous about this, and it was filling her with shaky energy.

 

“Hey can I ask something like, probably kind of dumb…?” Mia asked meekly.

 

“Shoot.”

 

“Why… do you like me?” She glanced awkwardly aside.

 

“You mean aside from you being a total badass? And also really cute when you get nervous like this?” Annie giggled. “Geez, Mia, why so down on yourself?”

 

“Because I’m kind of always half-convinced that things are gonna go down in flames.” She admitted. “Anxiety likes to throw your logical thinking out the window.”

 

“That bad?” Annie frowned sympathetically. 

 

“Annie, I need pills to  _ stay sane. _ ” Mia smiled a bit. “It’s- just part of me.”

 

“Aw.” Annie reached over the table and gave Mia’s hand a squeeze. “Well is there anything I can do to help you out?”

 

“Just… be patient with me once in a while.” Mia grinned clumsily. “That helps a lot.”

 

“I can do that! You kidding?” Annie giggled. “You’re too awesome for me to give up on you just ‘cause you’re bein’ anxious.”

 

“Geez.” Mia mumbled with a tiny grin. “You trying to just get me wrapped ‘round your lil’ finger or something? ‘cause, like, it’s totally working.”

 

“Well I mean someone’s gotta be able to rein you in~” Annie winked which made Mia feel incredibly flustered. She shifted, looking down and quietly finishing her food. Annie giggled at the sight of the blushing silent girl.

 

“...Kinda amazed how easy it is to get you shy like this.” Annie shook her head with a smile. “When I realized I liked you, I didn’t think you’d be this easy to get all blushy. I thought  _ I’d  _ be the one blushing all the time.”

 

“Yeah, well…” Mia mumbled meekly. “I’m not exactly smooth.”

 

“Maybe not but you are endearing.” Annie said, honestly. She smiled and stood, placing her money for her half of the bill on the table. Mia did the same, and Annie shifted close, taking her hand. “And I do mean that.”

 

Mia smiled meekly as they walked out once the bill and tips had been dealt with. They didn’t say anything for a bit, just quietly walking hand-in-hand. They didn’t need to speak- it was nice just to be walking like this, feelings out in the open instead of hidden away out of some unfounded nervous fear. 

 

They just went on a  _ date,  _ Mia realized. A date that went  _ well _ . They might do  _ more _ dates! The possibility was making her quietly buzz with excitement.

 

“You doing okay?” Annie glanced at her, smiling.

 

“Very much so.” Mia giggled awkwardly. “Things are actually going my way for a change, heheh. I’ve got a decent number of friends, am holding hands with someone awesome and just- life feels good.”

 

Annie rolled her eyes with a grin. “Don’t jinx it. Knowing this town something weird’ll turn up.”

 

“Well now it absolutely will!” Mia huffed. “Now that we’ve acknowledged it.”

 

“Oops. Sorry.” Annie laughed softly. “I guess we’ll be ready for it at least…” 

 

“I’ll be ready.” Mia smirked. “You’d have to become a superhero.”

 

Annie’s eyes gleamed. “What’s stopping me?”

 

Mia got the feeling she might have just caught a whirlwind by the tail. This was gonna be… interesting.

 

“I’m a bit burned out on creating new characters, so you’re on your own, but I’m sure as hell not gonna stop you.” Mia giggled.

 

“You couldn’t if you tried~!”

 

__________________________________

 

“So…” Mia was perched in The Freedom Pals’ base, sitting idly on the banister that led down the steps, balanced precariously. “You guys got beat up by some chick with  _ ribbons _ .”

 

Token huffed and looked aside. “We still  _ won! _ ”

 

“You also said it was  _ three against one _ .” Mia grinned, rapping her knuckles idly on the wall. “Whatcha say her name was, like Dis- dis-whatever?”

 

“Discordia…” Toolshed sighed, cleaning off his screwdrivers.

 

“I’m less surprised they had a tough time fighting and more surprised you fucking idiots walked into a stupid-obvious trap.” Craig rolled his eyes, arms crossed.

 

“What’d they do, leave a trail of candy to a giant cage labeled “not a trick”?” Mia giggled. 

 

“I liked you better when you talked less.” Human Kite grumbled, but it was pretty clear he wasn’t serious.

 

“Aw, fine, I’ll lighten up.” She huffed, rolling her eyes. “It’s not like a few of you guys haven’t kicked my ass before…”

 

“You got t… the hell beat outta you a couple times!” Tweek squeaked. “Remember how hard Mysterion hit you?”

 

“Which time?” Mia rolled her eyes. “I’ve also been electrocuted, puked on, burned, bitten,  _ shot _ , frozen…”

 

“Nearly eviscerated, maced, flashbanged, pissed on….” Craig added helpfully.

 

“Lasered, slapped, acid-burned, stabbed, psychologically tortured…” Stan was smirking. God dammit, they were all making fun of her now.

 

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Mia snapped. “...On a lighter note I think I accidentally got a friend to wanna be a superhero so that happened.”

 

“Apparently you were so gay you convinced her without even trying.” Wendy grinned. 

 

“That doesn’t seem like a joke you’d make.” Mia tipped her head.

 

“It does when I’ve been watching you two being idiots for weeks now.”

 

“Okay, okay, okay, whatever.” Mia shook her head. “What’s on the agenda for the week?”

 

“I was thinking we should try and figure out who the crazy purple chick was.” Toolshed suggested. “Maybe try and flush her out over the weekend or something.”

 

“I’ll be busy the weekend.” Mysterion said. “My little sister’s going to some birthday party and I have to make sure she gets picked up on time.”

 

“...Does anyone else feel like that was foreshadowing something?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was so short, but I wanted to post this one quick after the amount of time it took me to actually sit down and write it.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, have a happy holidays, or just enjoy the end of the year best you can in case you don’t celebrate any. Goodnight Everybody.


End file.
